Bonsoir

Well I have been suffering through a sinus infection all week and today was the worst because my whole right side of my face had so much pressure that I felt it in my teeth. I'm taking so many pills now..

I also got a new job at Panera Bread. I may just quit JC Penney's Portrait Studio since they never put me on the schedule anyways.

I'd just like to say that I miss Erik very much and hope he's made lots of new friends in Texas.

"Mind over Matter"

The car alarm across the street is going off. The wind and rain beat at the window as the cold tries to creep in. My keyboard isn't working completely and I put all my frustration into it.. I am still recovering from this cold, or whatever it is, that I have. I have been getting over a guy during this break. I am fortunate enough to have such a great family. They are the only reason I am able to get through life. The disgust I have for those who steal is more than ever growing since the incident with my car. I am trying to understand why people choose not to communicate with others. I am going crazy without human contact and communication is the key to keeping sane. I can feel that I am growing up. If I ever get to a New Years where I don't feel that I have grown in the year past then I should have failed. I am proud of myself and continue to grow in every way towards becoming who I want to be. It's sad that others will try to bring someone down when they see that they are succeeding. I pity those who think they are in the right when they should be focusing on themselves instead of others. I am eager for the future, even if it is uncertain because that makes it all the more attractive. I finished another book, Infidelities: Stories of War & Lust by Josip Novakovich, which I borrowed from a friend, and I plan on buying his book April Fool's Day. I wish I could sit in bed all break reading books but I have to work because giving gifts makes one very broke. I am trying to do normal things because I believe I can undo my sickness if I can make myself believe I am not sick. I will report back with those results.

Ciao.

Christmas Blues

I had a great time this week. The week before Christmas is always filled with fun and good times. Friday I had the best luck when I was hanging out with my friend Lauren and I got home late after dropping her off at her house. The next morning I got up early to go pick my cousin up in Newport News.

I got into my car and was reaching for my Paris cigarette case when I noticed it wasn't there. I check my purse, it wasn't there. I went back into my house, it wasn't there. I then checked my glove compartment and not even the Camel cigarette box was in there. I was pissed because I thought my brothers did it. I noticed the passenger door was unlocked. I had to leave to get my cousin so I drove all the way there, angry and upset at myself for leaving the door unlocked.

When I pulled into my cousin's driveway I reached down to check the side pocket of the driver's door and noticed it was completely empty. I thought oh no! what was there?! It was my iPod video, the adapter, and my autographed Mae: Singularity cd. At that point I began to really get upset. Someone had broken into my car and stolen some of my prized possessions. I'm sad that I don't have my Mae cd anymore. I love that cd. I was just thinking the other day about how I should bring my iPod in because I don't use it in my car.. and the next day it gets stolen. And I loved my Eiffel Tower cigarette case. It was a real photo of it in Paris.

I woke up this morning hoping that yesterday was a nightmare.. But it was real. It happened. It's sad that people do this. Especially around Christmas time. Now everyone in my immediately family, my mom , older brother and me, have all had our cars broken into and had something valuable stolen. This is a sad sad world. It has ruined my holiday.

It's "see you later"

I just got home from driving in this terrible weather of rain, wind and cold. I had the most depressing goodbye of my life with one of the most amazing persons I have ever known.

I have never had this sort of event occur in my life; the one where a friend moves away. I remember the first day I talked to Erik on the bus ride home from GSA and I'm so glad I sat by him that day.

I know it's not goodbye forever. But I could not help the tears that streamed down my face as I drove home tonight.

Through all the changes in the past year he has been a constant positive force like sunshine on a cloudy day.

I love you honey and I'm so happy for everything that is happening in your life right now! I can't wait to share another adventure with you someday in the future.

I guess I missed that part

I think I missed the part of growing up where I was supposed to join a clique.

I seemed to have tried so hard to not try so hard that it's backfired.

People are jealous of my easy schedule but I really am more apathetic to it.
I am jealous of them hanging out with their friends.
Mine seem to have vanished into thin air.

These times have really opened my eyes.
You can see who people really are and whether or not you want to be their friend,
or why you would or wouldn't want to be their friend.
You can picture what you'd really like to do,
but is it what you can do
or what you can afford to do?
But would you be happy there
or would you cripple and die
without the normal structure of life
you've had since you were born?
I can say how much I want to leave and how much I want to travel the world
but I am scared that when I come back I won't have any friends to visit.
No places of memory or love only hate and lonesomeness.
I look around at school at all the middle-class teens
who have been involved in after-school activities
and go to parties with their friends
and have a huge circle of best friends
and they laugh and they cry and they fight for each other
and I wish I was one of them.
Is it pathetic that I go through my day to day routines
of school, dance class, and driving home in rush hour traffic by myself every day?
I know we all are born into our parents arms
but we seem to travel through life alone;
are we destined to die alone as well?
Will going to college really change this feeling inside me?
Will I find happiness
or will I find I made it up all too much for it to really make me satisfied?

I can only wonder..

Recently VDOT is trying to "crack down" on speed violaters

a.k.a. people like me who go 70mph on the 55 mph highways.

I tried to take a picture with my camera phone but I was hard to get a close enough picture.

They now are putting messages on the signs like "OBEY SPEED LIMITS". I really think a more subliminal message would work better than that. We have been speeding for so long that I don't think it's going to change because of a few little signs that could, instead, be telling us if there was an accident ahead.

Photo Update

I built a gingerbread house with TJ last night.
Today I went to Sandbridge Beach and took photos with Lauren.

I know I've been down in the dumps lately

but it's not like I want to be..

I've gotten on "solid" ground with my manager at work.. but i'm still looking for something else.

I want to get my mom a massage gift certificate for Christmas so that's about $65 I need to make happen. I get paid this friday plus I'm babysitting now which is good.

I just got slammed with english homework as soon as I'm trying to hangout with people. Codie has a new boyfriend and is being lame about it like usual.

Of course my mom cleaned the teeth of the mother of one of my old "bestfriends" and she lost like over 100 lbs. Well the biggest shocker was that her daughter was sent to live with her dad in Richmond because she couldn't handle her promiscuousness and she ended up getting pregnant and got an abortion. However this did not stop her from continuing this slutty streak. Now really.. I am starting to see a trend in all my biggest ex-"bestfriends". It's kinda of creepy and weird.

December 4, 2007

I'm honestly unhappy with my life. I don't like school because of the people. I guess I'm weird and actually want to learn something. I've never been good at socializing. When I was younger and struggled to maintain friends, I told myself it would get better. I wanted to be Miss Popular in middle school or high school. Of course, I was always the loner. Especially when my parents decided to move us ion the middle of elementary school for something that wouldn't really affect us for years to come (SOLs). I was scared that I wouldn't make friends, which I really didn't because everyone had their cliques since kindergarten. So a fresh start mind set was wasted. Same thing in middle school. It was a little better in high school but I still felt like an outsider. If I had a close friend they were never in any of my classes and of course hanging out was hard because of Governor's School.
I've never really had the same mindset as most Kellam kids or high schoolers in general. I don't have a lot of money so i don't make myself up or wear the most fashionable clothes like everyone else. People immediately judge upon first appearances and impressions and since I don't look like them or think like them they ignore me. Half of the time I get nasty looks from people who I don't even know and they don't know me, but since we share the same class they think they know me. Now it's my senior year and I was told to vote for senior superlatives and I honestly didn't know 90% of the people on the lists to choose nominees from. While everyone else is thinking about after-school activities, going tanning, highlighting their hair, getting ready for prom, shopping, getting high, getting trashed, buying a new car, going to Europe after graduation..
I'm thinking of how to get a job, how to pay for the gas in my car, trying to get a scholarship, what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and how I will ever pay for it?.. I'm worried about if my life will ever be something I actually want and if I will be happy.. I'm tired of struggling financially. I'm tired of being pushed aside by friends. I'm tired of being overlooked and ignored in all aspects of my life. I'm tired of not beign good enough.
I don't like that my family isn't a warm, loving, connected group of people with a mom & dad still married. I don't like that my mom can barely make her monthly bill payments because my dad screwed us over and he is unemployed living off his senile mother in a different state. I don't like that because of that I will most likely not be able to pay for college.. which makes me feel like I have no chance of having a career or making a decent living ever. I feel like my life is black hole that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I just feel so alone and invisible and helpless and I'm just not sure what to do anymore..

Giving Back and Staying Broke

I worked at the portrait studio for the first time in a week. I finally talked to my manager and she told me they have me on a floating schedule. I'm not exactly thrilled at this; I need a schedule, it's the way my life works. Needless to say I am looking for a second job..

I babysat today for the first time in quite a few years. I went straight from work to babysitting. I did meet this lady online on a babysitting website and she is absolutely normal, even a little cool. I made $25.

I went to Wal-Mart tonight to buy much needed chapstick and my Angel Tree gift. I bought this little blue dress and a t-shirt and yoga pant set. I spent around $22.

So I earned money and then I gave back.
How gratifying it is to be broke..
:)


On a different note, I got a free ticket to see a show at the NorVa friday and I am really glad I didn't have to pay for it. Brand New was the headliner and they have always been one of my top favorite bands. I actually had tickets to see them about 4 years ago but never got the chance. I now wish I had seen them then instead of now because I enjoy their older music more than their newer stuff. They played one old song and the rest was new songs.

Anyways, the other bands playing were MeWithoutYou, who were kinda blah, and Thrice, who I've seen 2 times before when I was more into them a couple years ago but could really care less for now. The worst thing about the show was that during Thrice, the set change between, and Brand New I was squished from all sides thanks to the retards pushing at the back of the crowd. I was in the second row of people from the front barricade.

I was so pissed off at the people and the security guards for their lack of help or acknowledgment of the problem that I didn't enjoy the music at all. I e-mailed the NorVa with my complaint concluding the fact that I am seriously thinking of never coming there again, because I've never had to tolerate that shit. It's really sad that they don't care about the safety of their guests, especially when they could definitely get sued for someone passing out from their lungs being collapsed.

Happy Hump Day

Good Morning everyone!
(a little John Stewart/Katie Couric humor)

Thank you blog for letting me vent these feelings that I cannot express to any one person in my life for fear of offending them or changing their opinions of me for the worst. I have come to the conclusion, thanks to the influence of friendly conversations, that I should not date right now. I am busy and I should just stick to my schedule. I will only attempt in dating if an amazing opportunity comes up and the world would slap me if I missed it. I admit that every time I see a happy couple my heart beats faster and warms at the thought of someday having the same experience. But I am young and I have, hopefully, my whole life ahead of me.

Everyday I get closer to figuring out exactly how that will go, with graduation in view and college topic being thrown into every conversation at every possible chance (kill me). At least I have my mom who understands, more than any other adult I know, how much pressure teenagers have these days with college.

As for friends and being sad about leaving them behind, I am much more at ease with this because there is only one person who I fear losing and that is Erik because he is leaving me first and he is older. The others I have friended in high school I will miss their presence as I always do but I am used to them coming and going so it will feel the same when we all part. I hope that I see them again later in life but I wish them happiness and success no matter what happens. I am prepared to lose people because I have been losing people my whole life. I have learned to let go even if it takes time to heal the wounds they've left in my heart.

I have replaced friends with books and knowledge as I do. I am currently reading Pride & Prejudice and I love it! I borrowed it from a girl in my english class. I also have borrowed four other books from my friend Katie: Go Ask Alice, Five Quarters of the Orange, Water For Elephants, and Infidelities; Stories of War and Lust. And of course as I start reading for pleasure I am told by my english teacher that I am about to be assigned another novel next week. I forget what it is. Right now our current assignment is to annotate T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland and the online author's notes are very interesting.

Au Revoir!

My weekly feelings report..

Lately I've been feeling down.. I feel like my teachers are disappointed in me.. I hate the wrath of Todd. I feel like I'm letting people down more and more everyday for trying to be myself. I feel the pressure from every angle to be something I'm not. I'm sorry that I smoke and don't give a shit because we're all going to die some day.. I'm sorry I'm not one of your best friends or one of your favorite dancers.. I'm sorry I'm not blind to all the negative in my life holding me back from smiling 24/7 and being optimistic about my future.. I'm sorry I suck at hanging out and can't entertain you because I'm extremely nervous and always think people are out to get me or dislike me off the bat.. I'm sorry that you do hate me for no reason.. I'm sorry that I sound mean when I really don't mean to .. I'm tired of not being good enough to be one of your "top" friends, ever. I wish I could just never see my dad again for the rest of my life.. but it's not that easy when I live with people who are willing to be in his presence even if they despise him as well.. they don't believe in the same things as me and it's the reason why i can't wait to live my own life without them

le sigh.

I'll just stick to books instead of friends.

VOTE FOR ME SO I CAN WIN MONEY FOR COLLEGE!

My mind continues to crank and churn thoughts

So I just finished my workout-- gotta get back my pre-thanksgiving bod! I decided that since I had my "internet safety" lecture at school on Wednesday I would test out something. I "googled" my name! Yes I know, I'm the last person to do it. However I was pleased to find that nothing "dirty" or "scandalous" came up about myself. But I found out that a man who shares my same name was a breakthrough political scientist and there are quite a few rooms named after him in various prestigious facilities such as Columbia University-- how ironic because I am thinking of pursuing that major in college. Then there was a myspace link to some 20 year old in Canada who has some of the same musical tastes as I do. Of course many Lindsay Lohan links popped up too.

So this was fun minus finding out that lindsayrogers.com and lindsayrogers.org are taken.
Touche.

I feel the need to put my opinion somewhere.

I just saw a myspace bulletin about our troops and comparing our complaints to their daily lives overseas, telling me to repost if I support the troops like if I didn't it meant that I don't.

I support my country and I'm proud to be an American citizen. However, I am for peace not war. If we didn't have a war they wouldn't be over there and wouldn't have to be dealing with the things they deal with everyday.

This is the point I tried to prove in my english class last year and got bombarded by ignorant assholes and called expatriotic and told to leave the country. As my government teacher says: the way we deal with our foreign policy is a step above gangs.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I'm thankful to be able to spend it with my family today.

VCU audition turned bad but Richmond is good.

I woke up bright and early at 6:30am and picked up my friend Erik. We got our 24oz Wawa coffee and pastries and headed to the interstate. We were well on our way and I was starting to actually enjoy myself. Besides being incredibly nervous, I was really excited to be taking this big step in deciding my future. We got thought the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel before 9am so I thought we were doing well so far. Check was at 10:30am so I was shooting for 10am. We just passed by where my family lives in Newport News and traffic started to slow. Erik said it was probably just the Fort Eustis traffic. So we sat and sat until I started to notice the time. I began to worry plus I had to pee really bad! We would sit there for20 min and move 5 feet. I ended up turning the car off every time we stopped to try to save gas. It got to the point where I was freaking out because it was past 10am and we still were 60 miles from Richmond. I told myself that I would not cry because I would be a wreck in my audition. Erik called the VCU Dance Department to tell them about how bad the traffic was for all the eastbounders and to ask if they would let me in if I got there late and also if it would effect my scholarship qualification. They said if we came any later than 12 that I would not be admitted but they were nice and positive and said that we should make it at least by 11:45am. I tried to calm down by smoking a cigarette but the lighter was fussy. I finally got it to work but realized that it did not help that I had to pee so bad. We passed a rest stop exit but I couldn't get over to the lane so I decided we'd get off at the next exit. Of course there were none in sight and traffic was moving an inch a minute. I finally just pulled over opened both the front and rear right side passenger doors squatted down and had Erik cover me from above and peed the longest pee of my life. I felt so much more relieved after that. But it didn't last very long-- it was now 11:30am and there was no way I was going to make my audition. I smoked another cigarette and traffic stopped again. I started to cry; I wasn't going to audition anymore today. Erik couldn't do anything to comfort me except deny every negative thing I said with a very intellectual answer. My mom called and I told her everything. She said how the traffic was on the news and it was caused by a tractor trailer accident which had an oil spill and so they had to completely stop traffic. There was another accident that they didn't report on the news too. Traffic finally got moving and we decided to go to Richmond anyways. I went to the dance center and I ran into an old GSA student who graduated my freshman year who now goes to VCU for dance. They sympathized with me but regretted that I could not audition because I was an hour late. I would have to come back and audition in January. Erik and I decided to go get food at the Commons and ran into a friend of his from Summer Residential GSA and so we ate with him and his friends. His name was Kyle and he decided to walk us around a bit. We went to 821 Cafe and waited for Erik's friend Joelle to show up but Kyle had to leave. Erik enjoyed coffee and I had tea with tons of honey for my sore throat. The cafe was very cool and artsy with paintings everywhere. They were playing a Cursive cd that I happen to own which brought back memories because I hadn't listened to it in forever. Joelle finally showed up and we talked for a couple hours while she ate. She is an international studies major and I am now very interested in becoming one! We both want to eventually join the Peace Corps. We left the cafe, me with a camera in my hand taking pictures of everything from that point on. We went to the Jefferson hotel and basked in its glory. Then I requested to go to a place I had seen in everyone's pictures of the rapids and the bridge. Joelle took us on a journey through Belle Isle and all it's sight-seeing spots and haunted woods. After that the sun was setting and it began to get dark so we dropped Joelle off at her dorm and headed home. I am more and more in love with the city every time I visit. I hope the accident wasn't a sign that I shouldn't be going to VCU because I want to more than anything.

Check out Erik's blog for the rest of our adventure in Richmond.

A perfect outing.

My outfit :]





















I went over to Erik's after school. I was starving and he refused to let me into his house. still made it inside and found out that I knew his sister! She hung out with me my freshman year when GSA went to D.C. IYet I found this entirely amusing. Amy, his sister, proceeded to find food for me even though Erik told me there was none in his house. She made me a delicious PB&J and I had some chocolate chip cookies. YUM! Then we decided to go see American Gangster since it was too dark to go to Mt. Trashmore. We ran and got some Starbucks and snuck them into the theater just as the movie was starting. The movie was great! Afterwards we decided to take pictures in the photobooth. I had never done one before but we went for the classic plain, black & white style. Here they are!

So you may notice there are some changes to my blogspot..

Mae is one of my favorite bands. I loved them from the beginning. I consider myself a true fan. I was sad I could not go to their last show together last Tuesday. Two of their members left and two guys from another local band Tokyo are joining them now. I support them on their MaeteaM website. The playlist was one of their "missions". They also like to post lots of pictures from their tours and videos.

Here's their latest:




You can check out more on myspace, youtube, and the MaeteaM site.

I grow wiser everyday.

My wisdom tooth in the upper right is coming in. My mom's already determined that I will have to eventually get them all taken out in the next year or so. Does this mean I'm getting wiser? Will I lose this so-called wisdom when they are taken out?

I've been catching up with two of my oldest friends, Katie and Codie. Talking about boys and the goings on of our lives as high school seniors. I would like to note that I am warming up to one of the guys and Katie & Codie both think i should pursue it. Both are still in contact with my real-life arch enemy Courtney and Codie tells me that she is thinking about trying to be my friend again. We both laugh heartily in her face at the thought of her attempts. Really now, is she so stupid? I am extremely stubborn and she sucks at being a friend. Do I really look like that much of a fool? Humph.

P.S. I was definitely PMSing in the past couple posts.


P.P.S. I actually like my new job quite a lot.
I will soon be paid for my photography skills!

I think my brain finally let my heart explode.

I found myself crying tonight and suddenly all these feelings were pouring out into my head. I may just be a little bit PMSing but I'm not quite sure. I had been reading up on my astrology with all these guys lurking about-- I think it was for good reason my eyes leaked. I think subconsciously I am still letting go of my last relationship. I'm afraid I won't ever get another great boyfriend experience like that back and so I am afraid to let myself have feelings for someone else. I think only one other guy has given me anything resembling a normal feeling of "hey I'd really like to be with them" that makes me take the next step into dating. Some of these guys who want to hangout with me lately are nice and some I could really care less about and some I'm just not sure what to think. I barely know any of them and I'm not sure if I really care to get to know them any better. All I know is I don't have time to waste on a relationship that is pointless and I don't feel comfortable in. It doesn't help that I have no clue as to why they would want to be with me in the first place; I feel ugly and fat and I'm frequently called a bitch.


People don't like me. I get that vibe 90% of my days.. No matter what I do (this includes being myself) I can never satisfy those around me enough for them to like me and enjoy my company they way I enjoy theirs. I guess I am below average on the likable scale.

ok I'm done. goodnight.

Family

I want a big family. Connected and loving. Warm family gathering during the holidays. Kids running wild and driving the parents crazy. Marriages and disasters. Helping and hurting. always being there for each other.

My close family, that is my parents and brothers, has never been the typical family you'd see as the American staple for an Old Navy commercial. We're more the indie movie type family. Real and broken. We have flaws and we get along, but never look like we do.

I have my first show tomorrow for the first time since May. I am excited but also very nervous. I am showcasing my senior choreography for the first time and last. This morning while I was at my SAT testing my grandmother called to say that she couldn't come because she was sick. I am thoroughly upset because she hasn't seen me dance in years. I want to be mad but what can she do? She's just sick and I can only hope she doesn't get deathly ill. She's 69 years old and one of my favorite people in the world. It meant a lot to me that she was coming to see me dance. I am about to cry, that's how upset I am.

Now Erik can't come. And my mom didn't seem like she wanted to come in the first place. Now she is the only one left and I'm sure she will try to get out of it even though she may just me guilted into coming when I tell her she is the only one. I'm trying to remind myself that I am doing this for myself and I have to do this because it is what I love to do. As much as it hurts to sit here and know that no one, that matters to me, is going to see me dance tomorrow.

Also I went on, well I guess you could call it, a date tonight with a guy I used to work with at Ocean Breeze. I was worried he wanted it to be a date in the first place and I didn't want it to be because I had never really thought about him like that because he isn't taller than me. Plus he dated another girl I knew from work for a while. But he is very family oriented and I wish we were older because his goals are oriented around a great home and career. So I may be attracted to him after all.. He definitely wants to hangout again.

p.s.

Sushi with Erik is fun.

and Feist is a great band to check out.

Ole Hallow's Eve

My mom won first place! and $100 cash prize.

She's Miss Idaho.. it was state themed.

This is Dr. Heff (for short).

He was Miss Kentucky.
That's his mullet wig.

I love him! haha

My brother's hair.

Chris and his girlfriend, Cyndrah.

After she spent like an hour on his make up.

They went to hangout with friends.

fin.