Friday, August 31, 2007
I just went through my third car. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. But my grandparents paid for it. The company owes us a car or a new engine or something! I need a car to get to school. There are no buses for late arrival students. Plus I put sweet stickers on it and everything.
I always feel like I can't get comfortable with anything because I know it will always break and go away before I can even get to enjoy it. This applies to many things in my life not just my cars. I really liked this car too.
I am always told how much I deserve things.. but I always feel like I get second best. Nothing works out for me. My mom is so stressed out too. I complain about how she constantly hates on people with money and how stressed she is about money.. I wish one day I wouldn't have to hear her talk about it everyday. I wish she could be happy.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. No more Jeff. Work is so normal now and I really can't wait for it to end. I am not that excited for school because I have no idea what I want to do after I graduate. I never see my friends. No one ever calls me to do anything or even to talk anymore ( with the exception of Aughie). I miss companionship so much.
I guess the good guy does finish last.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I finally finished. 3 pages. thank god it's done!
Long locks of hair blow in the warm summer breeze as the waves crushed the sandy beach edges. I step slowly and lightly on the wet sand beneath my feet. The ocean mist surrounds my legs as I walk inches from the shore break. Strange houses pass by as I kept my path along the beach. I looked back and saw I had a long way to walk back. But I kept going. Silence surrounds me, only broken by the crashing waves on the shore. I felt at peace. I had never felt such calm. I kept going. I made new steps in the sand as I stepped forward on my new path.
It was about this time that I realized that I was alone. I had been walking for a very long time. As if I was hypnotized I just kept walking along a path to nowhere. However it never fazed me. I was completely alone, minus the crabs scuttling along the beach, and I was content. I began to wonder how I finally came to be what I’ve strived to be for so long. For as long as I could remember, I was the wave. I would crash and then go back, only to come back and crash again. Now I felt like a bird flying above the ocean. I was above watching the waves and enjoying the wind beneath my wings.
I looked out over the sea gazing at the sight born before my eyes. The enormous sky had turned a light shade of orange. Pink was hinting at the tips of the horizon as the burning red sun dipped beneath the sea. It was fading away like the worries of the years and months and weeks and days past. The sun was reflected in the sparkling sea. A reflection of itself and it was giving in to what it saw day after day. I inhaled and exhaled a nice deep breath. It felt good to be able to breathe. There are so many times where I feel like I have been holding my breath for days.
I began to fiddle with my ring on my right hand. It was nice enough to look good on the left. However it fit right. The birthstone was light blue like the color of the afternoon sky. It wasn’t a typical class ring. It was inscribed with my high school initials and my graduation year. But it was also inscribed with the initials of the art school I attended, a very special place that many do not get to experience. I felt it deserved recognition as well. My art school was not a school like my high school but a place of passion and excellence. The people I met there helped shape who I am today. They’re like the thousands of tiny pieces of shell, fossil, and rock that form into sand and help support my feet as I walk along my path. Without them I would have no land to look back at as I fly above the roaring sea.
Now I’m looking up at the path before me. I still fit in the same footsteps as before. Suddenly I’m walking with more confidence. I’m more ready for the bumps and holes this time around. I can still remember how I got here and I know my way back home. I’m not the same as I was when I first left but I know who I am and I’m ready. I’m ready to move on to the newly repaved beach as the waves wash away my old footsteps.
The sun moves slowly into the sea. The sun sets like a clock with seconds ticking away as the scene changes in snapshots like poses. The sea is a deep blue and surely turns into black as the sun sinks completely in. I forget the time and keep breathing. Walking this path feels like floating on the breeze. It seems impossible but it is so easy.
The sky is dark blue and blanketed with tiny little lights sparkling like diamonds. The moon is peaking out from behind the clouds that can only be visible near the light of the moon. The beach is completely empty at this point. The moon shines down upon me like a spotlight and I smile basking in its limelight. I can’t help but laugh because it is as if I am on a stage for all the sea creatures to see. Dancing around on a stage like I have been doing all my life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and now I feel free to be exactly who I’ve always dreamt of being.
I look up to the moon and examine its wondrous being in the world. The moon hides a mysterious man who watches down upon us all. Some question such a thing but I believe it like a little girl with a foolish mind. I always look up to the moon when I’ve been looking down all day long. It helps me keep hope that there’s more to know and I have not yet found out all. While others may try to tell me otherwise I let them. However I still look up to the moon and smile at the man residing there.
The sound of cars has gone. All that is left is the hush of the crashing waves upon the shore breaking and receding back into the sea until they break again. The night sets in and I begin to shiver. I hug my arms as I walk briskly towards the lights beaming from the house. I used to be afraid of walking the beach after dark but somehow this time is different.
I am exhausted from my long walk. I curl up under my covers in my huge cloud-like bed and fall into a deep slumber. I am filled with delights from the day past and sheer excitement for the days to come. I dream that they are adventurous and never-ending. Before I drift off into my deepest sleep I feel a smile and close my eyes tight as if making a wish to keep this feeling. I treasure the feeling till the very last moment.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I try not to complain so much anymore.. but really there's no difference.
I'm still that big baby.
But honestly, is it really that hard to return a girl's phone call? Seriously.
I've started on a new attempt for my AP paper. If I finish this one.. I'll post it.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
-or culinary school
-go to college for a business degree
but before or after massage/culinary school?
-go to college for teaching
but for what? french? history? english?
I want to join the peace corps maybe one day.. teaching would be good for that. but business would be too.. economics and such..
should I continue to dance?
if i went to massage school I could stay at home.. keeps mom happy and is cheap.
do I want to go away? if I stay most of my friends will be far away. so will it matter if I leave or not?
if I don't like massage school I can always just go to college.
should I try for being a photographer?
it's pretty expensive.
i'm so sick of lame essays I have to write as prep for college admission essays.
i don't really like the sound of taking the same class in college that i took in high school..again and harder.
I would be happy running my own business. I would like teaching. I like being in charge and helping people. I'm good at giving massages. I don't mind it. it pays well.. so does business stuff if i get it going well. Teaching not so much. I want to be able to still take dance classes whenever. I don't want to stop dancing. I could give massages at Todd's.
Hmmm. many ideas here..
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
So I basically work all the time. If I'm not working-- I'm hanging out with Annabel smoking and eating 24/7 while I think about Jeff and John, mostly Jeff. I did go and meet Mae, my favorite band, and go see them play at the NorVa in Norfolk with my friend Codie. I saw a lot of friends and I danced and sang the night away. It was a great day minus the fact that the guy I had cover me at work flaked out and tried to get me to cover him when he was covering me. It kinda ruined the first half of my day.
Right now I have a headache because I am hating time once again. I can't seem to find time to hangout with my friends from work cause we are all working on different days and such. Plus I have to get this AP assignment finished before the last 2 weeks of summer are over, and I have like 2 days off a week. In-service every Tuesday night at work is getting to be a pest because there are so many other things I could be doing instead.
I'm very excited for school to start though. I got my schedule fixed and I'm going to pick it up today to make sure it's right. I have late arrival every day and I only have two blocks A days and one block B days. This year is gonna be sweet. And I have a car this year! Senior year should be good.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Nothing else has happened with any other boys. Although the topic of "that one boy who you always go back to" on The Hills reminded me of Cameron. UGH! Another guy I've liked who ended up dating someone with my same name..
Everything with Bailey is tearing me up inside. It's making me cry because I didn't think a situation like this would happen again or so soon. I hate being ditched for boyfriends or girlfriends. I didn't do anything to deserve such rudeness or the huge "cold shoulder" I've been getting from her, regardless of her parents or her phone allowances.
I feel like I really need someone to talk to lately. But I'm afraid to talk because it never makes anything better anymore. The summer is practically over, I mean it's August, and I still haven't met someone nice to hangout with. But you know it's probably all for the best because I'm just setting up for some heartbreak.
I'm also so stressed out trying to figure out all this car stuff.. Both my new car and my mom's van are in Newport News being fixed. Work is getting in the way of both of us trying to get them back and it's getting too frustrating. I thought getting this new car would end all the frustration not cause more.. I love that car already though. I want it back!
Friday, August 10, 2007
This time it's Bailey. It's always someone I get really close to and is basically my "best friend".
Then they start treating me like shit.
I really wish I could just scream at them but I know that it is no good at all.
They never change. People just don't change. If they do, it takes a fucking long time.
My job has taught me a lot about people.
I've learned that people worry, a lot.
They freak out and no matter what you tell them, they will still freak out.
The only way to learn and change your mind is to experience something first-hand.
You have to learn from your mistakes, or other's mistakes.
I've also learned that people don't listen.
You can tell them one thing and they will keep on doing the other.
Sometimes it helps to show them how to do something, but as stated, they will only know through experience.
It is natural for people to worry because naturally we are all afraid, mostly of death.
This is why most cannot live fully, but also why many can.
Think about it.
my mom went to sign all the papers yesterday without me cause I had to work.
so she's supposed to pick me up and I knew she was there but I couldn't see her van
so I get irritated and start calling her
as soon as I hit send
a gray car starts driving towards me honking..
it's my mom with my new car, a bow and everything on it.
I couldn't even speak.
I am so happy with it.
I am so thankful for everything my grandparents always do for my mom and me and anyone really.
they are amazing people.
I'm so blessed to have them in my life.
we are all blessed to have them.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
There is no way Ashton and I will ever be anything ever again but I wish.
There is no chance of John and I, he obviously doesn't like me that way at all.
I will never find that one true true true best friend who would do anything for me and be there for me always.
I used to be a loner with no friends at all, I was to the point of wanting to end it.. but all of that has changed (thank god). I tried to tell myself I deserve better and I am just as pretty as the other girls and not everyone hates me. My plan has backfired a little but I have a bigger bank of self-esteem because I finally gained the courage to stand up for myself. I have accepted certain realities about myself but I still believe I am just as worthy as everyone else. I am not conceited or arrogant at all. If you've had a conversation with me at all, you would know this. I am my biggest critic. I do act a certain way sometimes if I am feeling less confident but that doesn't mean I am arrogant about it. I have gotten remarks similar to this in the past and just wanted to make myself clear. I am a modest girl, I know what league I'm in, sadly.
As much as I am in agreement with every saying about girls not needing a guy to make them happy.. I do wish to have my own. I just want a guy who wants to talk to me and hangout until forever stops. A guy who will hold me the way Ashton did, who I adore like I did Justin, who will kiss me like Justin and Cameron and Bryan, and who will do anything for me and be there for me always like Ryan. I want to be that couple that everyone envies. It would perfect my senior year to find someone like that. but I am forced to accept that there is a 90% chance it won't happen.
Mais je peux esperer..
Sunday, August 5, 2007
It doesn't help that he lives across the country either though.
I definitely get weak just from a guy's smile.
I have two stuck in my head.
God I am so boy crazy.
I never thought I'd be that girl.
But I am.
Hey at least I can admit it! ;]
I'll always have my Aughie though<3