Monday, March 30, 2009

Don't carry the world up on your shoulders

So monday before last, I asked Abe to work things out with me. He did. Last monday we were officially back together. My birthday was okay. I've been receiving gifts, cards, and money for 2 weeks now. It's fun when your birthday is dragged out :) 

I'm feeling like my life is going towards a normalcy again. I'm moving back home. This is going to be a good move. Literally. I will get my independence back, which I lost somewhere along the way of college and a long distance relationship. I'll be having a short distance relationship again, can't wait! I'll be driving and working again. I'll still be going to school but it will be much cheaper since I'll be living at home. I'm applying to transfer to Old Dominion University right now. Paper work is something I really don't enjoy. I have one month left at VCU in Richmond. I'll be moving out May 2 and I have my last exam on May 6 then I'm free. 

I have to say it's been quite a journey to get to where I want to be. I have almost been alive for 2 decades. If you think about it, you spend the first 2 decades of your life trying to figure out who you are and what the hell you want to do with your life. Interesting.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

"The most important relationship you have is with yourself" -DVF

I can't believe my birthday is saturday. iI can't believe it's already here. It seems like yesterday I was going to rehearsal for hours and then partying with my buddies from school and GSA at my old house for my 18th birthday.. Then getting my tattoo and meeting Abe for the first time.. 

It's funny how much changes in a year.  I've changed my major. Rethought my life many times.. I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months. Where I'll live, if I'll be in school, if I'll be single still..

I've grown so much in the past year. I appreciate so much more now. I've lived and learned. I'm almost done with my first year of college. It's so hard to believe I've come this far in my life. I am excited for what is to come yet scared about the things I might lose along the way..

I'm glad that I'm still strongly opinionated and I fight for what I believe is right and for what I want.  I'm glad I'm essentially still the same girl I was a year ago.. yet better improved. I have new friends and closer friends. I've met a few people I want in my life and gotten rid of a few I don't need. I have to say that I think the last year has been good for me. Over all I'm pleased with it.. I hope I can look back when I turn 20 and think the same, maybe better.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Spring Break

So I'm glad to be home for once. I'm glad the second time around, that I've become really upset because of Abe, that I am home with my mom instead all alone in a VCU dorm.  I am pretty sure Greer and I aren't friends anymore either. 

I feel like my life is really falling apart.  I lost the love of my life. The coolest best friend I've ever had. I don't have a job or car and don't see it happening for a while. I have barely made any friends at school. I've changed my major from dance. I miss dancing so much. I don't know if I really want to be an elementary school teacher. I don't know if I'll be going to VCU next year, depends on financial aid.  I don't know where I'll be living next year, which scares me the most.  
I have no plan or any idea what my future is going to be like. I'm really scared and just want to crawl in a hole and die. 

I thought about seeing one of those student counselors at school who are like therapists but I don't know how good an idea that would be. I took an online assessment test and I didn't like any of the results. I could be a good accountant since I'm good at math and I'm very organized and a perfectionist, and make lots of money. But is that what I want? Or I could study french and go to school in Paris for a couple years, become fluent and maybe be a High School teacher, that way I could travel and I miss French and I could teach and help people? Is that helping people? Ugh I don't know what I want to do with my life.  If I had my way I would be an awesome dancer and just join a company and perform til my dying days.. but I'm not an awesome dancer and there is no such company out there. Or I could stay on the path I'm on and become an elementary teacher with a slim hire outlook right now and not that much money plus a very demanding job.

Then there's this feeling I have of not belonging to anywhere. Where is home? My mom's new place doesn't feel like home to me. It's crazy that not even a month ago I was so happy and now I'm completely depressed. I feel more alone than ever. Being an adult really sucks. The economy scares me. My brothers can't even find one of those mindless jobs they have for teenagers.

The only reason I decided to blog is because I feel I have no one to run to, to talk to about what is going on in my head. No one cares, so I'll just write it down and hope it makes me feel a little bit better.

P.S. stay away from Scorpios.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I'm only going to keep this to view other blogs.

Abe broke up with me and I'm hating life right now.
I think my blogging is going to be on haitus for a long time.