The Holidays

I can't believe next week is Thanksgiving. I'll be making pumpkin pie and squash casserole. Going to the Uncle's house with all the family and having a great time feasting..

All sounds good, right? It does. It also doesn't.

Abe came with me during the holidays last year. I stayed with him when I came home from school and we went together to my G-G's house. I can feel his absence even more now. I thought cutting out all contact with him would help me get past this. It just really hurts when you love someone and care about them and they change their mind. Someone came in with his sweatshirt on at work yesterday and everything about that sweatshirt from where he bought it to helping him pick it out.. all came back. how warm it is and how much he loved it.. I sound obsessive but i mean when you love someone these are the little things you remember..

Don't let it go away. this feeling has got to stay.

Greer "friended" me on Facebook. I was wary. I messaged her to make sure it wasn't a joke. then proceeded to approve. But now I am even more suspicious about her motives. I don't trust her. I'll just have to see what happens in the future. I do miss her and wish she had been there for me when I needed her the most these past few months..

So I've been listening to No Doubt's greatest hits CD in my car since.. maybe its a subconscious nostalgic move? We did go to the No Doubt concert back in May.

The storm has passed.

yay it was sunny and 70 today. perfect weather. it will be cold again soon i know it..

So work just sucks so much lately. I have an interview for an insurance sales position and i really hope i like it because i am so over Panera and I just want a new job. one that makes enough money and that gives me a steady schedule and good benefits. I want to be able to support myself as much as i can. wish me luck*

plus so i mentioned how I cut off all contact with Abe.. well now my ex-best friend wants to be my friend again. i granted the request BUT i still am very wary. I don't trust her. I would like to be proven wrong. we'll see where things go from here but i'm very shocked by her even trying to be my friend. one of our mutual friends said it would happen and i thought FAT CHANCE. part of me thinks this is all a bad idea. that i should of kept the severed contact.

but hey, my new motto is to go with the flow and let life happen to me.. so here we go.

Nor'easter

these are the pies I baked the first time. I've baked two more and pumpkin bread/muffins since.
This storm is the reason I have a day off but it sucks because I can't go anywhere. I can't go to the gym. I can't go shopping. I can't go hangout with friends. I can't leave my freakin neighborhood because it's flooded!

I did some homework.. now i want to not do homework. I guess I will eat, read, and watch tv or movies.. unless i can find something better to do stuck at home. I hope it clears up so I can go hangout later tonight maybe?

The end

So I cut off all contact from Abe sunday night. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to do it. I can't go on having him text me and say things to me getting my hopes up. I will never recover from this or move on unless I do this. No online contact and no phone contact. I was sad afterwards but what can I do? nothing. As much as I thought it was meant to be.. maybe everyone is right; there's someone else for me out there who will treat me as good and better.

I need to get back into the swing of my old routine. Working out in the morning instead of sleeping in. Getting school work done right away instead of putting it off. Eating well instead of eating too much and badly. I want a day off. I can't wait to move next month. I can't wait to go to California in January. EEE!!!!

I love autumn

my new glasses :) the first pair in 4-5 years haha!

making pumpkin pie as I type. this was my preparation from yesterday.my gorgeous kitty. she's now 8 months old.

So I'm watching Gilmore Girls..

and Lorelai loves snow and was talking about the magic of snow.. it got me thinking of my last experience with snow. It snowed so much in Richmond that VCU actually closed school because our dorms were without power. It was the end of February and Abe had just broken up with me. This guy I knew through a friend and who was in one of my classes was pretty cool and we ran into each other and ended up hanging out. We found up we had a lot in common, especially music. We got coffee and dinner and ended up having a full on snowball fight in the middle of the street. (There was nothing else to do!) It felt so surreal to me. I wasn't used to the snow. I was feeling mentally affected by a horrible breakup and this cute guy was making me laugh by throwing snowballs at me. I regret some things I did that weekend but part of me will always have that great moment of surreal happiness. A glimpse of something else. It's probably one memory that I'll always like thinking about.

Stoked

Found a place to move to in Norfolk. Going to check it out after my mom gets off work and I'm done with my chiropractor appointment. I'm trying to study but it's really hard. I can't wait to move out! I really need my job to get better; more hours!! I think I'll be transferring to a different store in a couple weeks so *fingers crossed*!

I like pickles with my sangwiches man

So this guy I had a crush on for a long time in high school is talking to me again. It;s funny he's completely different. You know, all grown up and has a plan for his career etc. Then I heard about someone I knew from middle school who got married and another who just had a baby.. Im not used to this stuff.

I still hate that my recent relationship got cut short. I still like him. I enjoy his company. We're gonna stay friends but still.. I like romantic company. then again who doesn't?

I recently downloaded Paramore's new CD. i know downloading is bad blahblah. I only buy the CD s of my favorite favorite bands or local bands. But Paramore's new CD gives the same vibe Kelly Clarkson's new CD did- same sort of love-regret-life philosophical theme in the lyrics. Also they have a song that is titled almost exactly the same "All I Wanted" (P) vs "All I Ever Wanted"(KC). Eh I dunno I just found it a strange coincidence.

So I'm single again.

Cory & I just ended things. He got grounded and i think its BS. He lied about having money in his account when he bounced a check. He works 2 jobs and goes to school part time. I think his parents need to give him a break. I know they think its teaching him a lesson or something but it just ruined his love life. He won't stand up to them and basically thats why we ended things. I can't date someone who is still living in "middle school".

Because its just fucking ridiculous.

Whatever- I don't really need a boyfriend anyways. I can't commit emotional right now anyways.

This whole situation reminded me why I stopped dating guys my age a long time ago...

i still love you. why couldn't we just work things out?

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Works sucks, I know.

Tonight my boyfriend and I were written up for sexual harassment. Apparently, as two people reported to my manager, we were seen making out in the back of the store. This is a lie. The closest thing to making out that happened is he kissed me on the cheek.

I am beyond pissed. I am having so many issues with work- mainly getting enough hours and having my schedule back to normal. I am now dealing with co-workers trying to get me fired.

Tomorrow I am going to my GM and telling him that if I don't get my schedule back (working mornings not nights) then I want to transfer somewhere else. I cannot work at night all the time because I can't babysit anymore; I am working with people who are making up lies and trying to get me fired; and its physically exhausting. I have already tried calling the DM to talk to him about these issues plus the fact that I have been trying to get cross-trained for 2 months and I keep getting the run around and also because I can't trust the management at the store.

I really hope this BS gets resolved ASAP or else I'm quitting.

Questions.

I'm still working on being more patient with people. Especially ones I'm dating.

Is it okay to be dating someone to get over someone else? Does it make sense to date someone if you don't have strong feelings towards them? I feel weird dating after being in love. I wonder how many other people have gone through this same situation before.

My new favorite technological item is Skype. I have friends in distant places and this helps me deal with the distance. I wonder if I had used Skype with my ex-bf, would we have had a better relationship?

Overwhelmed

I feel overwhelmed a lot lately. I don't know if it's from being depressed or just having so much on my plate. I still feel very alone. I know Cory cares about me but I really don't know if being in a relationship is a good idea for me right now. I don't know how fair it is to him.

To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for disappointment again. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with everything a relationship entails and the possibility of being hurt again. I don't know if I have the time or mental capacity for a relationship right now either. I know you're probably thinking "then why are you in one?" but it feels good to know that some one is there for me. I have at least one person I can count on to be there for me. It's all I have and why should I push someone like that away from me, especially when I need it most?

All these things keep rushing..

Lately when I get bored and my hands are idle I start folding small pieces of paper into paper airplanes. I thought about why I do this the other day and came to the conclusion that its a subconscious of my inner child. I used to make paper airplanes as a kid with my dad and brothers. We would spend hours every day folding paper like origami and one day we just decided to try to make the best airplane. I don't know how to make a very good one. i just keep making the same one every one else was taught to make when we were in school.

So I want to get back into photography. I used to love it so much. I remember wanting a SLR Nikon back in 9th grade and it cost $1000 but now it costs about $500 so I'm thinking of getting one. Although I don't have that much money to spend because I'm saving my money for moving out. I used to take pictures of everything all the time; my surroundings, my friends, my family, the sky, myself. Ever since my life was turned upside down in July I haven't been myself. I have barely touched my camera. I just started using it again and while taking art history in school, I'm really starting to fall in love with it again. I am so in love with the world around me. I'm as curious as a cat. I am fascinated by compositions and colors. Cory has offered to set me up with a photographer he knows so that maybe he can teach me some things about photographing professionally. But I don't really know if that is going to happen.

I would love to do photography professionally but we all know that "art is hard" and you don't make much money from it. Thats why I'm doing Accounting because I want to be able to support myself and my mom one day. I would love to not have to worry about money so much in my future. If I did photography as a hobby it would never become a "job" or a "chore" or something I have to work hard at to make my living. i can hate my job as much as I want as long as I don't end up hating something i love.. kinda why I left dance as a career choice. I do miss dancing too. But you can't have everything in life. I'm learning that recently- I've grown up quite a lot in the past year. I can't believe 2009 is almost over too. I feel like I blinked and it flew by.. Is that how time feels when you get older? Does it just fly by within a blink of an

eye? I want to enjoy my life. Thats why I've learned from my recent past experiences not to rush things.. I'm enjoying every moment and letting things come & go as they should.

A new life.

Dear Blog, Its been a long time.

Abe has since dumped me. Greer and I are no longer friends. I am living at home at my mom's. I'm going to ODU. I'm working at Panera Bread. I'm dating a guy I met at work. I'm dealing with everything one day at a time.

I recently have fallen in love with art all over again. I'm happy to be back in school. I am struggling a bit with my grades but I'm sure that comes with being unfocused because of a traumatic breakup. I'm still getting over Abe. My new beau has been very very very supportive and he is everything I could ask for in a friend- thank goodness because I don't have very many friends to go to right now (that are here locally). I booked my flight to California to see Kelly- the only good friend I made at VCU. I'll be flying for the first time ever! I am going in January 4-9th right before winter break ends.

Thats it for now. I gotta finish some homework before I visit Cory (the new beau) at work then off to philosophy class tonight.

Don't carry the world up on your shoulders

So monday before last, I asked Abe to work things out with me. He did. Last monday we were officially back together. My birthday was okay. I've been receiving gifts, cards, and money for 2 weeks now. It's fun when your birthday is dragged out :) 

I'm feeling like my life is going towards a normalcy again. I'm moving back home. This is going to be a good move. Literally. I will get my independence back, which I lost somewhere along the way of college and a long distance relationship. I'll be having a short distance relationship again, can't wait! I'll be driving and working again. I'll still be going to school but it will be much cheaper since I'll be living at home. I'm applying to transfer to Old Dominion University right now. Paper work is something I really don't enjoy. I have one month left at VCU in Richmond. I'll be moving out May 2 and I have my last exam on May 6 then I'm free. 

I have to say it's been quite a journey to get to where I want to be. I have almost been alive for 2 decades. If you think about it, you spend the first 2 decades of your life trying to figure out who you are and what the hell you want to do with your life. Interesting.

"The most important relationship you have is with yourself" -DVF

I can't believe my birthday is saturday. iI can't believe it's already here. It seems like yesterday I was going to rehearsal for hours and then partying with my buddies from school and GSA at my old house for my 18th birthday.. Then getting my tattoo and meeting Abe for the first time.. 

It's funny how much changes in a year.  I've changed my major. Rethought my life many times.. I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months. Where I'll live, if I'll be in school, if I'll be single still..

I've grown so much in the past year. I appreciate so much more now. I've lived and learned. I'm almost done with my first year of college. It's so hard to believe I've come this far in my life. I am excited for what is to come yet scared about the things I might lose along the way..

I'm glad that I'm still strongly opinionated and I fight for what I believe is right and for what I want.  I'm glad I'm essentially still the same girl I was a year ago.. yet better improved. I have new friends and closer friends. I've met a few people I want in my life and gotten rid of a few I don't need. I have to say that I think the last year has been good for me. Over all I'm pleased with it.. I hope I can look back when I turn 20 and think the same, maybe better.

Spring Break

So I'm glad to be home for once. I'm glad the second time around, that I've become really upset because of Abe, that I am home with my mom instead all alone in a VCU dorm.  I am pretty sure Greer and I aren't friends anymore either. 

I feel like my life is really falling apart.  I lost the love of my life. The coolest best friend I've ever had. I don't have a job or car and don't see it happening for a while. I have barely made any friends at school. I've changed my major from dance. I miss dancing so much. I don't know if I really want to be an elementary school teacher. I don't know if I'll be going to VCU next year, depends on financial aid.  I don't know where I'll be living next year, which scares me the most.  

I have no plan or any idea what my future is going to be like. I'm really scared and just want to crawl in a hole and die. 

I thought about seeing one of those student counselors at school who are like therapists but I don't know how good an idea that would be. I took an online assessment test and I didn't like any of the results. I could be a good accountant since I'm good at math and I'm very organized and a perfectionist, and make lots of money. But is that what I want? Or I could study french and go to school in Paris for a couple years, become fluent and maybe be a High School teacher, that way I could travel and I miss French and I could teach and help people? Is that helping people? Ugh I don't know what I want to do with my life.  If I had my way I would be an awesome dancer and just join a company and perform til my dying days.. but I'm not an awesome dancer and there is no such company out there. Or I could stay on the path I'm on and become an elementary teacher with a slim hire outlook right now and not that much money plus a very demanding job.

Then there's this feeling I have of not belonging to anywhere. Where is home? My mom's new place doesn't feel like home to me. It's crazy that not even a month ago I was so happy and now I'm completely depressed. I feel more alone than ever. Being an adult really sucks. The economy scares me. My brothers can't even find one of those mindless jobs they have for teenagers.

The only reason I decided to blog is because I feel I have no one to run to, to talk to about what is going on in my head. No one cares, so I'll just write it down and hope it makes me feel a little bit better.

P.S. stay away from Scorpios.

I'm only going to keep this to view other blogs.

Abe broke up with me and I'm hating life right now.

I think my blogging is going to be on haitus for a long time.

Save the Drama for Yo Mama

This blog contains a post that has been engraved in my boyfriend's mind.  Unfortunately. I have debated deleting this blog because of it.. It's caused him emotional damage. He thinks that I was just going to toss him off before I went to college. Its taken several fights over the past month to get rid of his silly little thoughts.. I have no intention of leaving him. I did however reevaluate things before college, but what person doesn't?  I also was terribly upset when he drove off my college campus and I was left alone at college. So it's pretty obvious that I would not have left him..

anywho!  A month of fights between us has ensued and we hope they are gone FOREVER. I honestly have never cried so much in my life.  I think that it has taught us both that we definitely want to be together. So if anyone out there had hopes for us to break up-- BOOYAH! we aren't breaking up. I honestly hope we never break up. He's the best boyfriend, an amazing person, and he's my oso who gives the best oso hugs. :)

Greer has dropped the recent bomb that she is in fact NOT moving to Richmond.  If I am correct- she's been given a piercing apprenticeship at Blue HorseShoe and is going to finally be getting her license and a car.  She finally got herself a computer.  I didn't take her moving news too well. She has communication issues. I think we'll be on the rough for awhile.  Her turn.

I have made a close friend at school. Kelly is a dance major who actually keeps in touch with me.  I like that about her. She moved to California from New York and now is going to school here in Virginia.  Her brother is a dancer as well and her whole family is kick ass enthusiasts for working out.. therefore she is my workout buddy and keeps me motivated.  Go Kelly!

I've decided to live in the dorms next year-- hoping for the one that has double beds!  If I can figure a way to get financial aid to pay for an apartment I will do that instead!  But the big deal about this is that Abe and I decided it was too soon to live together and we were not prepared either ($$$).  I was upset over our decision because I felt we were taking a step back and not forwards.  But I'm trying to listen to my mom's advice that if things were meant to be then we will stay together and in a year will live together like we had planned. I hope you're right mom!

Other than that news.. I am enjoying spring semester much better than fall semester. I like having two or three classes a day not four exhausting dance classes. I do miss dancing very much.  But I'm planning on taking some over spring break hopefully. I was going to visit my dad in florida but I think it's going to fall through. Maybe summer would be a better time to visit so my brothers can come too.