Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Good Luck!

It's late and I know I should be asleep.. but I have had trouble sleeping this week. I'm so tense. I'm starting to fear the future even with my body reacting..
It's been so peaceful and quiet and now it's all the sudden becoming sad and sentimental. I'm realizing and going to realize in the next couple weeks who has left a handprint on my heart and who I will miss dearly. People I've met at Governor's School and even Kellam, that I will genuinely miss.
I could cry writing this but I won't be that lame. I almost said lousy.. haha Catcher in the Rye has some neat vocabulary. I didn't absolutely love that book like some swear by, however i could definitely relate. I know what it feels like to not know what to do or where to go and question everything and everyone. I feel that way now. It's crazy. I can see why stream of consciousness is so effective in this situation. I want to do so much but I am afraid to take the risk.. My motto has been to do what you want and not to let people tell you how or what to do.. Another motto I've always had is to face your fears and scare the shit out of yourself.. the best decisions you make are the risks. They can make you or break you..
I'm at crossroads in my life. I've tried to become a better person and rid things/people I do not need. I'm deciding what to do with my future; college and careers. I'm aiming for new goals ones I have never tried to achieve before. I'm delving into the unknown. I'm exploring the infinite abyss...

Monday, May 28, 2007


Is the coffee better in a Paris café?
Is love easier to find when not looking?
Is everything better in black and white?
Does reading books make you smarter?
Does doodling on everything make you artistic?

Things pop in my head all the time.. I am a student at all costs. I love to learn. It has always been the hobby of my life. I cannot stand school though. The people are enough a reason to burn it down, as are their silly little rules. I would rather whole myself up in the library than ever go to school where ignorance brews.. I like the peace and quiet I find in my mind when I'm without those people and silly rules. I do sometimes enjoy the company of another but they come rarely and are always welcomed warmly. I hope someday I take my eagerness of knowledge to the next level with travel of the world.

Who's going to join me?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

In the middle of the celebrations I breakdown


It occurs frequently in my life.

Especially with past lovers and my younger childhood when mommy and daddy laughed in the kitchen and the music was turned up loud and we'd all run around the house.

My relationship with my father is not what I ever expected it to be. I hate and love him all at the same time. I'll hear a song that he used to blast throughout my house or listen to on the radio or sing or play along with his flute... I'll start remembering once upon a time when I would curl up with him on the couch and fall asleep watching a movie. Those really were the good ole days when all I really had was family. It was enough to get me by. I didn't care how many friends I had or if that one boy liked me back or what I'll do with my life after I graduate.. Life was simple and I was completely happy. The olny reason I'd cry was if my mommy wasn't home and I missed her or if I had fallen off my bike or gotten sick.

Now my father lives in Florida with his girlfriend so he can take care of his elderly mother. He's never been normal. He doesn't think the way everyone else does about the government. He has screwed us financially. He is a hypocrite among other things.. My mother is always telling me how he loves me and really does have good intentions. But he can be a drunk and yell at you (sober) when he has no idea what is going on. He doesn't know the hell he put us through. He once blamed me for my parents split. You can't blame false love on a child. I still remember the nights I spent crying myself to sleep while they yelled at each other til they were sick of it. I remember how my brothers changed.. they weren't always as agressive as they are now. It breaks my heart to think of how things turned out.

I always wonder if things will ever be as good as we want them. If my family will have absolute love for each other. If we will be as loving as the Osbournes are to each other. If my mother will be happy again. If I will ever be able to stay in the same room as my father without secretly wanting to yell at him to change and be a normal human being and stop blaming it all on us.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Time for peace I swear it

I woke up and the birds were singing. Finally, spring time! It put a smile on my face even though I had no ciggarette to enjoy while I sat in my backyard. I always daydream of going about just laying out in the sunshine and having a good time, drugs or no. I have fallen in love with the hippie era. I want peace and a good time. I've been listening to the Forest Gump soundtrack for some time now and I can't get enough. I love every tv show and movie and book that comes from the 50s, 60s and 70s. I swear if I had a past life, I was alive then. I was probably a hippie. I laugh at this, as I'm sure you do as well, but I can only feel it in my bones. I feel it like the happiness I get when I dance. This doesn't mean I'm going to turn into a dirty, Marley-loving, pothead. I'm not saying I hate any of those things either.
I just don't think our era really has defined itself yet. Back in those days, they had war and freedom to fight for. The Civil Rights movement changed this country to this day. They had importance in their lives whether felt it or not. I don't feel importance in mine. They say 9/11 has shaped our futures and impacted us. I cried when it happened because it was so tragic. But I didn't know anything about it. Six years later I finally know about it. Mr. Christman says this War on Terrorism will not be over till our kids are grown. Maybe that is true. Sadly, I don't know if I believe it because I don't really have a stand on it. I don't feel that it has impacted me yet, or that I have felt it's impact yet.

I want to make something of myself and do something great. I'm not sure exactly what yet.. but I haven't had the greatest resources to fully apply myself. You could say I'm not sincere about this since I am making excuses but I would have if I knew exactly what I wanted. I'm not just writing a bunch of crap.

Speaking of crap..
I was watching the show So You Think You Can Dance? and Nigel, the producer, said " That was sort of like crunk and tapping. So do you call it crapping?"

A little of my sense of humour for you..

Friday, May 18, 2007

Beauty in the Breakdown

So I did dedicate this blog to a certain man. Today he said something to me, with his usual wisdom, that struck a strong chord within me.

I need to work on my people skills.

I'm noticing now how much I don't get along with people. I recently lost four of my close friends because they had been basically fake friends. I'm reassessing everything in my life esentially. However these friends were not exactly part of that; it sort of just happened. It has not taken very well with me. I have started relying on my fellow Governor's School friends, maybe perhaps too much. I thought they would better understand me and we'd have more in common.

Nevertheless I was wrong, as I usually am, about people..

I guess I've regressed in a sense.. I used to be without any friends then I gained self-esteem and found friendship.. Now It's gone again. I never thought I'd feel like this again. I do know a variety of people but they are mere aquaintences and the ones I wish I was closer to, are so far away or already have enough friends.

Maybe I deserve this. But I still have some hope that I am still a good person and I deserve as much as anyone else does.. it's a small percent but somewhere there still lies hope.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Thoughts rush in..

We've been rushing for weeks. Tension building and nerves snapping. And tomorrow we finally do it on stage and then perform.

It's here. The performance I've been aching for for years. A performance where I dance for more than a minute of stupidness. And I have almost no one to come see me. I am unhappy with my costume. I am not sure what comes next in the piece. I want it to be over with.

I feel so crazy. I have never felt so empty in my life. Dance is my passion. I should be excited. Yet I am finding myself wondering what I have done with my life. I dedicated myself to an art which I have broken myself with, ruined friendships because of, lost most of my life to, and I might not even continue this career after high school. Have I wasted away my time with something that in the long run will not get me anywhere in life? I am in a rut. I have lost confidence in the only thing that brings me any ounce of happiness anymore.

What is one to do?

A testament to new things

I am very much anxious about this new blog.
I hope to put down all my deep thoughts here.
I'm still deciding what it will be like..

I am very observant these days.

I'm in a state of searching in my life.
I'm sick of the drama and extra, unneeded things in my life.

This blog is dedicated to my dear friend Aughie.