Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Memory Lane + photos.

My mom is making a costume for work. She is a dental hygienist but she works for a company that is one of the biggest and richest in the Seven Cities. So they ask them to dress up on Halloween. This year it's States themed and she was left with Idaho. So she has a sack of potatoes with daises intertwined and she wanted to use one of my tiaras.

So I had to go searching through all my costumes that I have not touched in almost 4 or 5 years. I ended up pulling out the two big boxes I had managed to stuff into my closet when we moved in on my birthday 3 years ago. One full of random toys and such and another full of dance bags, competition jackets, recital and competition costumes, shoes-- you name it.

I found the tiara but continued to search through all my costumes. I found myself laughing at some of the most ridiculous things known to have come from a sewing machine. But I also found myself smiling remembering all those years and all the friends I made and how happy I had been. I found myself wishing I could turn back time to those days of happiness. I even came across my very first costumes and I almost cried because it made me remember how much I love to dance.

Sometimes when it gets rough like this and I wish I wasn't so busy or I wish I had a different body or I'm stressing out over college-- it's nice to have that refreshing memory of true love and passion to remind me why I'm doing it in the first place.

I also came across my old stationary box filled with letters from one of my first "best friends" who continued to write to me even after I moved away. I only stopped being her friend and writing when I had the last straw of all her pushing her religion on me. Also I had to move on, I mean I was growing up. I guess that's when I stopped believing in "best friends", in the same way we stop thinking fairy tales are real.

Oh and i found this "time capsule" thing that I did in elementary school. I of course opened a year later after I finished it. It was originally wrapped in saran wrap. But it's funny because that was like in the 1990s so to kids back then the 2000 years were supposed to be really futuristic and much like Zenon the Disney movie. So We put things inteh time capsule that we thought would represent us at that time. I even had an assignment to write a little booklet and newsletter. In the newsletter I write about how there will be pens that can record your words as you say or write them and you will be able to turn on motorcycles automatically without a key, and we have things very similar to this now. I dated the newsletter the year of 2005 and it's now 2007 so it was really cool to see that.

Anyways here are the photos:

My first tap and ballet costumes ever.
They're so tiny!

A letter from a girl I used to dance with.
She described her new Georgia high school to be so big
that she could fit my entire high school in her new school's courtyard.

I was a very private person as a kid.

Me, my brothers and my dad in Connecticutt one summer.
You can see that I was taller than both of them.
Fancy stationary.
My "best friend" Lauri and me taken by a very bad camera..
Possibly my first ever "myspace"-like photo shot.
You can really tell how mess up my teeth used to be.
A letter from Lauri.
My Lisa Frank stationary box.

My newsletter I found in the "time capsule".
The booklet I found in the "time capsule".
I found this in the "time capsule".
It's my brothers and I playing with the swing my dad made
while my dad watches in the background.
The entire contents of the "time capsule".
Yes that is a furby and mini watercolor paint set,
I watercolored a lot as a kid and I was very obsessed with Tweety.

The "time capsule".
I liked to paint as a kid.

Here's some pictures of me and Erik in Norfolk and a picture from my walk during Guluwalk:

Freemason Street.
My new Norfolk dream choice of residence.

Me and my Aughie<3

The river view on the Guluwalk.
It was a beautiful day for changing the world.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I hate my age.

I just hung out with Jeffrey. FINALLY!
But he feels bad and I hate that he feels bad.
He thinks it was a mistake.
Only because I'm technically underage.

I hate not being 18 !!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

4 AM text messages

from Jeffrey.

He is obviously worried about getting involved with me because I'm under 18. I clearly saw that from his messages.

It's amazing how much 5 months is ruining my love life and hurting my chances of getting a job.

Friday, October 26, 2007

mm friday..

Today my partner for my senior choreography piece didn't show up. I had to finish the dance all by myself. I'm so exhausted and my feet hurt more than ever. Deborah wouldn't give me my partner's phone number because she knew I would leave her a nasty message. I'm really frustrated with my partner right now.

I also found out that Thomas can't go to the VCU audition because Todd just informed him of a show that night. It's at 5pm and so we wouldn't even make it back in time. I'm really upset. I don't want to go by myself. I hope my friend Lauren will go, maybe. But this means I won't get to party or road trip with Thomas. This was the only thing I was even a little excited about and now I got nothing.

Today was just not a good day. To top it off, I've realized how sad my social life has become.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I think I'm depressed.

I was reading an article in a magazine and apparently I have all the symptoms of being depressed and being suicidal.. which I am. I have attempted suicide sort of before. I think about it often. I cry a lot. There were some other symptoms but I can't remember.

But god I really do hate money! it is the root of all the evil in my life. I hate my body too. I'll never be content with my body and I feel like everyone else won't either. I feel I am constantly criticized for my body and being overlooked because of it. I wish I could just feel beautiful being myself.

And time. Why is it moving so slow? I hate my life right now. I hate where everything is. I feel like I am stuck and I can't move. Then again I don't have a clue as to where I would be going anyhow. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I feel like I'm too average to ever be somebody. I'm a nobody. While all my peers are off at college I'll be stuck here because that's the way it always has been. I'll always be the sorry little girl with no friends and no money and no love.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


Lately I have been very busy and I'm trying to focus on what I need to do. I rarely hang out with my friends. I am exhausted from Governor's School all the time. I am running out of money and I need a job. I barely call people or text them.

I feel like so much is being demanded of me these days. It's hard for me to focus too. I am trying my best and I am not getting to my goals but I am trying to accept it. It's just hard when I don't make a piece but I let myself cry and then I get it out of my system.

I read somewhere "If I'm not exhausted at the end of the day I don't feel like I've accomplished anything." I agree but sometimes even if I am exhausted I feel like there is so much more I have to do and no time. It's lonely being this busy and skeptical of others. But I guess it's all part of living in the Dance World.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Guluwalk 2007

Last year I raised my goal of $100 but I could not attend the walk. This year was just the opposite; I did not get any money raised but I had the opportunity to attend the walk. I'm so glad I got to go. I did have second thoughts but after today I am so glad I went.

My friend and fellow Governor's School dance student, Ali Hartsook, herself started the Guluwalk location in Norfolk, VA. This was the second annual Guluwalk. The walk takes place in cities all over the country and world. It was originated by two men in Canada and is spread throughout the world today. Today everyone walked together in support of the children and people of Uganda.

Guluwalk is used to raise awareness of the conflict in Uganda and draw support from the community. Even if you did not donate any money, just being there and showing up was a great effort of support. A local high school even decided to make a field trip out of it. We gathered at Harbor Park to register, sign letters to send to our senators, and buy merchandise, of which all proceeds go to the Athletes for Africa campaign. Ali even made a little speech. From there we talk a walk around the city yelling, singing, clapping, and stopping traffic for a cause. We then entered the Todd Rosenlieb Dance Center and had refreshments and then watched a video on the Invisible Children.

After the video I was very inspired. I almost cried watching the video where this boy was talking about how he would rather die than live at this point and started to cry when he began talking about his brother who was killed by the Rebels. When I was driving home everything seemed to be in slow motion. I was going almost 80 MPH but it felt like 10. I was still in a daze of thoughts after watching that video and being a part of this experience. When I was a kid my father used to tell us how lucky we were to live in this country and to be able to even go to school and have a roof over our heads. I didn't really care back then and I have dealt with that reaction when I tell kids today just what my dad said. Kids complain about so much these days and they have no real concept of living or what the world is really like.

We take so much for granted. It's true what they said on the video-- a shot is fired in the Middle East and it's all over the news but millions of kids are killed in Africa and no hears anything.

My horoscope on facebook:

A friend has recently gone through some serious changes, and you're not sure you know them anymore. Remember they're still the same person at heart.

Wow. I read my horoscope everyday and sometimes it is off but there can be those times when it is DEAD ON. Today is a good example of the latter.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Mamma Mia!

Sorry but it is literally the gayest thing I've ever seen.

I don't think I'm a musical gal.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I'm a health nut!

I've always been raised to eat healthy. My dad was the major influence on this. Let me put it to you this way-- my mom was afraid to bring soda into the house when she first wanted to leave my dad. This doesn't mean I've never strayed to junk food or unhealthy foods in my whole life. But I do prefer to eat healthy full meals and drink water and tea and juice.

I recently have ripped out a few pages of my magazines and taped them to my wall next to my desk. They are to remind me of good healthy eating tips and how to choose the best foods for my body and to keep up energy as a dancer.

Surprisingly my mom allowed me to get the foods I chose when we went to the store tonight. She usually just buys the cheapest of the brands because our budget is so tight. I bought apples, bananas, Kashi granola, granola bars & cereal, trail mix, and wheat crackers (the best we could find which isn't what I was really looking for).

I feel very accomplished.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm a little..

I guess I just can't seem to keep friends with my new philosophy. I'm trying to be happy with my life even though things don't always go my way all the time. Maybe it's okay that I am getting rid of the people who cause unnecessary drama and are immature. It sucks but maybe that's my sacrifice to get to happiness. I just don't understand those people is all.

I'm trying to stand up for myself too but it's harder than I thought it would be.. People don't like it when I say no or tell them off. I'm done being a door mat. I want to be the door of reality smacking them in the face.

It's hard enough keeping myself from tearing myself apart. I don't need someone else tearing me down too, especially if I don't even know them.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Graduation = Freedom.

So I am finally in possession of the new Kanye West cd Graduation. I really like it and I can't stop listening to it! I love how Kanye has so much to say. It's so appropriately named too, considering that I am looking forward to my own graduation.

All I seem to talk about lately is college and my future. I'm so excited and ahhh.. gosh this feeling is incredible. I just hope that money doesn't ruin it for me. If I have to work for a while I will. I'm so determined-- nobody can stop me from my dreams.

I love not having class on B days! Today I went and got my paycheck finally. Then I picked up my good friend Erik from TCC and we got some coffee and headed to Downtown Norfolk. We checked out the new market, went to MacArthur Mall. We went into H&M and checked out the new Barnes & Noble. I applied to B&N and Erik bought magazines and books. It is a very nice B&N and I hope they hire me! I am desperate for a job right now.

Anyways! I had so much fun with Erik because he knows so much about Norfolk and I love talking to him. Everyone kept asking me if he was my boyfriend or my honey :] Oh it was greaaaat! If only he was a straight one, I would def tap that. (Love you bay bay!) He went to do his homework and visit his GSA department while I went to class. Then we went out to eat at Plaza Azteca. I now like mushroom quesadillas. We talked about me visiting him on my spring break because I will finally be 18! I can't wait to travel.

Today I felt like I had so much freedom. I'm so eager for life right now. I haven't been in such a good mood in a while. VCU started it and I'm glad I got to share it with Erik. I even talked to the other kids at GSA today.. haha.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Our state capital.


I visited VCU's Open House today with my mom and I absolutely love it.
I got tons of good information and met with the VCU Dance department chair.
I even got a t-shirt, a great campus tour, and ran into some people from Kellam and GSA.

This is a senior choreography rehearsal in the Dance Center.
The studio was gorgeously huge.

Me in the Commons eating area, just finished my sushi at lunch with my mom.

A pretty stairwell I found.

Me on the stairwell.

So basically if I don't get into VCU I'm going to be really upset.

Friday, October 12, 2007

The Late Late Rock Show

So right now I am listening to the radio. A one night indie rock show recently got upped to a nightly show from 10-1am (I believe). It's a pretty big thing for an indie music radio show to get big enough to become a daily thing. I used to just listen in the summer when it came on Saturday nights. I haven't listened since they got promoted. But lo and behold tonight they have my favorite local band Mae on. They recently lost two of their band members so I'm still in shock of the news.

Anywho! this week has been really long. I have mentioned that I was hanging out with a friend of my older brother. But it felt weird so I am not going to keep it going. He would make a great comedian though.

I also had a huge issue with my math teacher. She didn't like the fact that I leave her class to go to Governor's School and I have been struggling in her class since school started. I have thought long and hard about dropping the class academic wise but after I had this issue and had a panic attack in the middle of school -- it was the last straw for me and I dropped it. I'm sorry but if someone, especially someone I should look up to, makes me cry they've lost all my trust. SO now I don't have class at all at Kellam on B days but I still go to GSA in the afternoon. So yeah everyone is tres jalouse de moi. I don't know if that was proper french, OH well.

I went to see another one of my favorite bands Thursday night after GSA. I met up with my friend Jordan and we went to Kelly's Tavern for dinner. The most fattening dinner I've had in a long time. We played my best game of pool ever-- I beat him! I am really bad at pool so I'm actually thinking he let me win. We got in through the backstage and the turnout didn't seem to be that great but my impression was soon proved wrong. We were front and center. The first band wasn't that great. The second was The Helio Sequence and it was a drummer and a guitarist who sang. The drummer has tourettes and I admit I laughed at first but someone mentioned that he has tourettes. So I was like wow good for him playing that drums! However some kids behind us were making fun of him the entire time.. Minus the Bear was amazing though. They played all my favorite songs. I was so tired driving home and this morning I woke up with the worst neck pain. It has yet to go away. I'm worried that it won't. I guess its the price I pay for seeing a great band live.

Tomorrow I am waking up bright and early at the lovely time of 5am to drive to Richmond to visit the VCU campus. I'm so excited. The weather is finally cold and I can wear my scarves. I really hope I get into VCU. It's in the midst a of big bustling city and I'm sure I will bring back so many pictures! My mom is driving there but I'll probably drive back. I am really glad she is enthusiastic about this trip. She is usually so negative about things. Thank god she has her friend Tricia. Tricia has ben dragging her out a couple nights this week to have some fun, that she desperately needs. I love that woman.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Hard Things:

keeping friends.. or keeping up with them.


Dating your brother's friends.

Getting a job.

Finding time to relax.

Make your parents happy.

I just want to sip tea, wear scarves and read for the rest of my life.. I can go back to the olden days please?

Sunday, October 7, 2007

As tro lo gy

Hm so first it was the Aquarius and Libras now its Leos... I need a Virgo I think..
this weekend has been so chill except for the little factor of being reminded of the fine line between enemies and friends.....

I keep my friends close but I keep my enemies closer.

I watched V For Vendetta and I noticed that British people pronounce every syllable in a word. So if you're every trying to imitate one, try that.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I hope

that one day I won't need someone to label me their best friend
so I know that they care about me
or that I mean something to them
or as much to them as they mean to me..

I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls for the first time in a long time.. It was the episode where Rory decides to leave college and her mom doesn't understand why she needs to take a break.. etc etc. I really wanted to post their conversation on some video like from YouTube but I couldn't find one.. It reminded me a lot about how I see a conversation between my mom and I going if I go to college.. It was kind of scary. It's so weird to now realize that I can relate to many tv shows, movies, and songs.. their messages and conversations seem so real.. That's scary.

You know what I realized too?
My mom is my hero yet my greatest fear is to become her.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Can I please start over?

I don't know how to make my mom happy anymore.
I have no one to talk to anymore, all my friends won't talk to me anymore..
I mean really talk about shit not just "how are you?" "fine, you?" "i'm good." *walk away*
I'm stuck for another 6 months and even then I am unsure of what to do.
Should I really continue with dance and go to college?
What will I do after I graduate college?
What next after that?
What if I am still not good enough to make it?
I accept failure and go to massage school?
Wasting more and more money because I would have just spent money on college
and then I'll spend more on massage school?
The cycle in my head never ends
and people are making me feel claustrophobic
and I just want solace, peace of mind.
And my heart is breaking with every thought of you.
Why do I have to care so much about people when I knwo they will only hurt me?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The past is the past.

I've decided to leave all my ex-lovers in the past. I'm going to start afresh. I made the mistake of going over to Ryan's house last night after I got upset by Ashton. I felt so bad because I totally used him. I apologized and started my new mantra of a fresh new start, in my love life..

I got my senior pictures in the mail. I like them from far away. Tomorrow we pick the song for our senior choreography pieces. I'm scared and excited at the same time.. is that anxious? I'm not too sure. I am slowly giving up on my academics. I feel like I am closer to my fellow seniors than ever and especially at GSA. I've also been asked by Todd to be on his Junior Company again. He posted to "audition results" at the studio today. I'm surprised to see 16 names and some whom I thought would not be returning, or shouldn't, this time around. Oh well, I get to perform more and I'm pleased and flattered Todd wanted me.

I've got to printout these college applications and do these practice college essays for english class.. I feel so grown up. I just hope I can stay sane for more than a week. Annabel's new piece of advice for me is "to accept things for the way they are". Well put my Asian friend.