Wednesday, October 28, 2009
and Lorelai loves snow and was talking about the magic of snow.. it got me thinking of my last experience with snow. It snowed so much in Richmond that VCU actually closed school because our dorms were without power. It was the end of February and Abe had just broken up with me. This guy I knew through a friend and who was in one of my classes was pretty cool and we ran into each other and ended up hanging out. We found up we had a lot in common, especially music. We got coffee and dinner and ended up having a full on snowball fight in the middle of the street. (There was nothing else to do!) It felt so surreal to me. I wasn't used to the snow. I was feeling mentally affected by a horrible breakup and this cute guy was making me laugh by throwing snowballs at me. I regret some things I did that weekend but part of me will always have that great moment of surreal happiness. A glimpse of something else. It's probably one memory that I'll always like thinking about.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Found a place to move to in Norfolk. Going to check it out after my mom gets off work and I'm done with my chiropractor appointment. I'm trying to study but it's really hard. I can't wait to move out! I really need my job to get better; more hours!! I think I'll be transferring to a different store in a couple weeks so *fingers crossed*!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
So this guy I had a crush on for a long time in high school is talking to me again. It;s funny he's completely different. You know, all grown up and has a plan for his career etc. Then I heard about someone I knew from middle school who got married and another who just had a baby.. Im not used to this stuff.
I still hate that my recent relationship got cut short. I still like him. I enjoy his company. We're gonna stay friends but still.. I like romantic company. then again who doesn't?
I recently downloaded Paramore's new CD. i know downloading is bad blahblah. I only buy the CD s of my favorite favorite bands or local bands. But Paramore's new CD gives the same vibe Kelly Clarkson's new CD did- same sort of love-regret-life philosophical theme in the lyrics. Also they have a song that is titled almost exactly the same "All I Wanted" (P) vs "All I Ever Wanted"(KC). Eh I dunno I just found it a strange coincidence.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Cory & I just ended things. He got grounded and i think its BS. He lied about having money in his account when he bounced a check. He works 2 jobs and goes to school part time. I think his parents need to give him a break. I know they think its teaching him a lesson or something but it just ruined his love life. He won't stand up to them and basically thats why we ended things. I can't date someone who is still living in "middle school".
Because its just fucking ridiculous.
Whatever- I don't really need a boyfriend anyways. I can't commit emotional right now anyways.
This whole situation reminded me why I stopped dating guys my age a long time ago...
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tonight my boyfriend and I were written up for sexual harassment. Apparently, as two people reported to my manager, we were seen making out in the back of the store. This is a lie. The closest thing to making out that happened is he kissed me on the cheek.
I am beyond pissed. I am having so many issues with work- mainly getting enough hours and having my schedule back to normal. I am now dealing with co-workers trying to get me fired.
Tomorrow I am going to my GM and telling him that if I don't get my schedule back (working mornings not nights) then I want to transfer somewhere else. I cannot work at night all the time because I can't babysit anymore; I am working with people who are making up lies and trying to get me fired; and its physically exhausting. I have already tried calling the DM to talk to him about these issues plus the fact that I have been trying to get cross-trained for 2 months and I keep getting the run around and also because I can't trust the management at the store.
I really hope this BS gets resolved ASAP or else I'm quitting.
I'm still working on being more patient with people. Especially ones I'm dating.
Is it okay to be dating someone to get over someone else? Does it make sense to date someone if you don't have strong feelings towards them? I feel weird dating after being in love. I wonder how many other people have gone through this same situation before.
My new favorite technological item is Skype. I have friends in distant places and this helps me deal with the distance. I wonder if I had used Skype with my ex-bf, would we have had a better relationship?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I feel overwhelmed a lot lately. I don't know if it's from being depressed or just having so much on my plate. I still feel very alone. I know Cory cares about me but I really don't know if being in a relationship is a good idea for me right now. I don't know how fair it is to him.
To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for disappointment again. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with everything a relationship entails and the possibility of being hurt again. I don't know if I have the time or mental capacity for a relationship right now either. I know you're probably thinking "then why are you in one?" but it feels good to know that some one is there for me. I have at least one person I can count on to be there for me. It's all I have and why should I push someone like that away from me, especially when I need it most?
Lately when I get bored and my hands are idle I start folding small pieces of paper into paper airplanes. I thought about why I do this the other day and came to the conclusion that its a subconscious of my inner child. I used to make paper airplanes as a kid with my dad and brothers. We would spend hours every day folding paper like origami and one day we just decided to try to make the best airplane. I don't know how to make a very good one. i just keep making the same one every one else was taught to make when we were in school.
So I want to get back into photography. I used to love it so much. I remember wanting a SLR Nikon back in 9th grade and it cost $1000 but now it costs about $500 so I'm thinking of getting one. Although I don't have that much money to spend because I'm saving my money for moving out. I used to take pictures of everything all the time; my surroundings, my friends, my family, the sky, myself. Ever since my life was turned upside down in July I haven't been myself. I have barely touched my camera. I just started using it again and while taking art history in school, I'm really starting to fall in love with it again. I am so in love with the world around me. I'm as curious as a cat. I am fascinated by compositions and colors. Cory has offered to set me up with a photographer he knows so that maybe he can teach me some things about photographing professionally. But I don't really know if that is going to happen.
I would love to do photography professionally but we all know that "art is hard" and you don't make much money from it. Thats why I'm doing Accounting because I want to be able to support myself and my mom one day. I would love to not have to worry about money so much in my future. If I did photography as a hobby it would never become a "job" or a "chore" or something I have to work hard at to make my living. i can hate my job as much as I want as long as I don't end up hating something i love.. kinda why I left dance as a career choice. I do miss dancing too. But you can't have everything in life. I'm learning that recently- I've grown up quite a lot in the past year. I can't believe 2009 is almost over too. I feel like I blinked and it flew by.. Is that how time feels when you get older? Does it just fly by within a blink of an
eye? I want to enjoy my life. Thats why I've learned from my recent past experiences not to rush things.. I'm enjoying every moment and letting things come & go as they should.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Dear Blog, Its been a long time.
Abe has since dumped me. Greer and I are no longer friends. I am living at home at my mom's. I'm going to ODU. I'm working at Panera Bread. I'm dating a guy I met at work. I'm dealing with everything one day at a time.
I recently have fallen in love with art all over again. I'm happy to be back in school. I am struggling a bit with my grades but I'm sure that comes with being unfocused because of a traumatic breakup. I'm still getting over Abe. My new beau has been very very very supportive and he is everything I could ask for in a friend- thank goodness because I don't have very many friends to go to right now (that are here locally). I booked my flight to California to see Kelly- the only good friend I made at VCU. I'll be flying for the first time ever! I am going in January 4-9th right before winter break ends.
Thats it for now. I gotta finish some homework before I visit Cory (the new beau) at work then off to philosophy class tonight.