Wednesday, February 20, 2008

One Month

I'm almost eighteen years old. I have had doubts recently about my future. I want to dance, I know that. But what will I do with my life. I'd like to take it one day at a time but the realist in me is nagging to find the answer. I've been struggling with confidence lately too. I admire my fellow peers and their amazing writing capabilities and lately have been coming down harshly upon my own abilities. I fear this is a result of my AP English Lit class which is kicking my ass. I know that I chose to take harder classes to get better because I need a little push. I better get used to this too, since next year I'll be the smallest fish in the pond; once again a freshman. I'm shocked with my VCU Dance acceptance. I felt the same way when I got accepted into GSA. I was honoured and crying and smiling in disbelief. I'm in love with Richmond and I can't wait to move on to the next big adventure in my life. Of course, my confidence has recently been brought down, too, with relationships or the lack there of. I know it is stupid to be looking for love at such a young age but I do miss having that companionship and I am not throwing away my emotions for just anybody. I am more sensible than most girls I know about dating; I don't let just anyone into my heart. It has been a year since my last relationship and while I have dated around with a handful of possibilities, none of them have been smart enough to keep me. My last relationship was definitely the best but I see dating as a lesson in learning more about myself. It does make it hard to be optimistic when it makes me feel like there's something wrong, something I need to fix to get them to like me. For the most part, I like who i am, but naturally I hate my looks in some way or another. But I see my friends struggling with eating disorders and it scares me into really thinking about how much I love my body because I never want to have to suffer to the point of a disorder. I really wish body image wasn't so important to people these days. I hope if I ever have a daughter that it is not worse for her than it has been for the girls of my generation. If it is, then I will try with all my heart to shield her from it. I find my self more and more everyday planning out my future life. How I want my own library in my house, that is if I ever get to reading all those books! I can't wait to live on my own and yet I am so scared. I get to visit one of my favorite persons in the whole world next month. Its strange that I haven't seen Erik in two months. I can't just drive my his house anymore. Its amazing how strongly that feels when it's taken away from you. I can't wait to see him! Only one month away!

oh p.s. new hair.. growing it out though for real this time.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Lead me out on the moonlit floor

I found I'm dancing in the GSA 20th Anniversary Gala!
I'm performing/rehearsing a lot especially with Todd's Jr Co.
We just danced with the VA Symphony last weekend.
I auditioned for VCU.
I'm working and babysitting a lot.
I love my new friends; they're so fun.
I found out yesterday I got into my back up school, Christopher Newport University (CNU)!
My birthday is getting closer and closer.

.. as Nina Simone would croon ..

And I'm feeling goooooood.
da nun
da nun
da nun da da
da nun..