Friday, December 28, 2007


Well I have been suffering through a sinus infection all week and today was the worst because my whole right side of my face had so much pressure that I felt it in my teeth. I'm taking so many pills now..

I also got a new job at Panera Bread. I may just quit JC Penney's Portrait Studio since they never put me on the schedule anyways.

I'd just like to say that I miss Erik very much and hope he's made lots of new friends in Texas.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

"Mind over Matter"

The car alarm across the street is going off. The wind and rain beat at the window as the cold tries to creep in. My keyboard isn't working completely and I put all my frustration into it.. I am still recovering from this cold, or whatever it is, that I have. I have been getting over a guy during this break. I am fortunate enough to have such a great family. They are the only reason I am able to get through life. The disgust I have for those who steal is more than ever growing since the incident with my car. I am trying to understand why people choose not to communicate with others. I am going crazy without human contact and communication is the key to keeping sane. I can feel that I am growing up. If I ever get to a New Years where I don't feel that I have grown in the year past then I should have failed. I am proud of myself and continue to grow in every way towards becoming who I want to be. It's sad that others will try to bring someone down when they see that they are succeeding. I pity those who think they are in the right when they should be focusing on themselves instead of others. I am eager for the future, even if it is uncertain because that makes it all the more attractive. I finished another book, Infidelities: Stories of War & Lust by Josip Novakovich, which I borrowed from a friend, and I plan on buying his book April Fool's Day. I wish I could sit in bed all break reading books but I have to work because giving gifts makes one very broke. I am trying to do normal things because I believe I can undo my sickness if I can make myself believe I am not sick. I will report back with those results.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas Blues

I had a great time this week. The week before Christmas is always filled with fun and good times. Friday I had the best luck when I was hanging out with my friend Lauren and I got home late after dropping her off at her house. The next morning I got up early to go pick my cousin up in Newport News.

I got into my car and was reaching for my Paris cigarette case when I noticed it wasn't there. I check my purse, it wasn't there. I went back into my house, it wasn't there. I then checked my glove compartment and not even the Camel cigarette box was in there. I was pissed because I thought my brothers did it. I noticed the passenger door was unlocked. I had to leave to get my cousin so I drove all the way there, angry and upset at myself for leaving the door unlocked.

When I pulled into my cousin's driveway I reached down to check the side pocket of the driver's door and noticed it was completely empty. I thought oh no! what was there?! It was my iPod video, the adapter, and my autographed Mae: Singularity cd. At that point I began to really get upset. Someone had broken into my car and stolen some of my prized possessions. I'm sad that I don't have my Mae cd anymore. I love that cd. I was just thinking the other day about how I should bring my iPod in because I don't use it in my car.. and the next day it gets stolen. And I loved my Eiffel Tower cigarette case. It was a real photo of it in Paris.

I woke up this morning hoping that yesterday was a nightmare.. But it was real. It happened. It's sad that people do this. Especially around Christmas time. Now everyone in my immediately family, my mom , older brother and me, have all had our cars broken into and had something valuable stolen. This is a sad sad world. It has ruined my holiday.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

It's "see you later"

I just got home from driving in this terrible weather of rain, wind and cold. I had the most depressing goodbye of my life with one of the most amazing persons I have ever known.

I have never had this sort of event occur in my life; the one where a friend moves away. I remember the first day I talked to Erik on the bus ride home from GSA and I'm so glad I sat by him that day.

I know it's not goodbye forever. But I could not help the tears that streamed down my face as I drove home tonight.

Through all the changes in the past year he has been a constant positive force like sunshine on a cloudy day.

I love you honey and I'm so happy for everything that is happening in your life right now! I can't wait to share another adventure with you someday in the future.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I guess I missed that part

I think I missed the part of growing up where I was supposed to join a clique.

I seemed to have tried so hard to not try so hard that it's backfired.

People are jealous of my easy schedule but I really am more apathetic to it.
I am jealous of them hanging out with their friends.
Mine seem to have vanished into thin air.

These times have really opened my eyes.
You can see who people really are and whether or not you want to be their friend,
or why you would or wouldn't want to be their friend.
You can picture what you'd really like to do,
but is it what you can do
or what you can afford to do?
But would you be happy there
or would you cripple and die
without the normal structure of life
you've had since you were born?
I can say how much I want to leave and how much I want to travel the world
but I am scared that when I come back I won't have any friends to visit.
No places of memory or love only hate and lonesomeness.
I look around at school at all the middle-class teens
who have been involved in after-school activities
and go to parties with their friends
and have a huge circle of best friends
and they laugh and they cry and they fight for each other
and I wish I was one of them.
Is it pathetic that I go through my day to day routines
of school, dance class, and driving home in rush hour traffic by myself every day?
I know we all are born into our parents arms
but we seem to travel through life alone;
are we destined to die alone as well?
Will going to college really change this feeling inside me?
Will I find happiness
or will I find I made it up all too much for it to really make me satisfied?

I can only wonder..

Monday, December 10, 2007

Recently VDOT is trying to "crack down" on speed violaters

a.k.a. people like me who go 70mph on the 55 mph highways.

I tried to take a picture with my camera phone but I was hard to get a close enough picture.

They now are putting messages on the signs like "OBEY SPEED LIMITS". I really think a more subliminal message would work better than that. We have been speeding for so long that I don't think it's going to change because of a few little signs that could, instead, be telling us if there was an accident ahead.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Photo Update

I built a gingerbread house with TJ last night.
Today I went to Sandbridge Beach and took photos with Lauren.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I know I've been down in the dumps lately

but it's not like I want to be..

I've gotten on "solid" ground with my manager at work.. but i'm still looking for something else.

I want to get my mom a massage gift certificate for Christmas so that's about $65 I need to make happen. I get paid this friday plus I'm babysitting now which is good.

I just got slammed with english homework as soon as I'm trying to hangout with people. Codie has a new boyfriend and is being lame about it like usual.

Of course my mom cleaned the teeth of the mother of one of my old "bestfriends" and she lost like over 100 lbs. Well the biggest shocker was that her daughter was sent to live with her dad in Richmond because she couldn't handle her promiscuousness and she ended up getting pregnant and got an abortion. However this did not stop her from continuing this slutty streak. Now really.. I am starting to see a trend in all my biggest ex-"bestfriends". It's kinda of creepy and weird.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

December 4, 2007

I'm honestly unhappy with my life. I don't like school because of the people. I guess I'm weird and actually want to learn something. I've never been good at socializing. When I was younger and struggled to maintain friends, I told myself it would get better. I wanted to be Miss Popular in middle school or high school. Of course, I was always the loner. Especially when my parents decided to move us ion the middle of elementary school for something that wouldn't really affect us for years to come (SOLs). I was scared that I wouldn't make friends, which I really didn't because everyone had their cliques since kindergarten. So a fresh start mind set was wasted. Same thing in middle school. It was a little better in high school but I still felt like an outsider. If I had a close friend they were never in any of my classes and of course hanging out was hard because of Governor's School.
I've never really had the same mindset as most Kellam kids or high schoolers in general. I don't have a lot of money so i don't make myself up or wear the most fashionable clothes like everyone else. People immediately judge upon first appearances and impressions and since I don't look like them or think like them they ignore me. Half of the time I get nasty looks from people who I don't even know and they don't know me, but since we share the same class they think they know me. Now it's my senior year and I was told to vote for senior superlatives and I honestly didn't know 90% of the people on the lists to choose nominees from. While everyone else is thinking about after-school activities, going tanning, highlighting their hair, getting ready for prom, shopping, getting high, getting trashed, buying a new car, going to Europe after graduation..
I'm thinking of how to get a job, how to pay for the gas in my car, trying to get a scholarship, what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and how I will ever pay for it?.. I'm worried about if my life will ever be something I actually want and if I will be happy.. I'm tired of struggling financially. I'm tired of being pushed aside by friends. I'm tired of being overlooked and ignored in all aspects of my life. I'm tired of not beign good enough.
I don't like that my family isn't a warm, loving, connected group of people with a mom & dad still married. I don't like that my mom can barely make her monthly bill payments because my dad screwed us over and he is unemployed living off his senile mother in a different state. I don't like that because of that I will most likely not be able to pay for college.. which makes me feel like I have no chance of having a career or making a decent living ever. I feel like my life is black hole that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I just feel so alone and invisible and helpless and I'm just not sure what to do anymore..

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Giving Back and Staying Broke

I worked at the portrait studio for the first time in a week. I finally talked to my manager and she told me they have me on a floating schedule. I'm not exactly thrilled at this; I need a schedule, it's the way my life works. Needless to say I am looking for a second job..

I babysat today for the first time in quite a few years. I went straight from work to babysitting. I did meet this lady online on a babysitting website and she is absolutely normal, even a little cool. I made $25.

I went to Wal-Mart tonight to buy much needed chapstick and my Angel Tree gift. I bought this little blue dress and a t-shirt and yoga pant set. I spent around $22.

So I earned money and then I gave back.
How gratifying it is to be broke..

On a different note, I got a free ticket to see a show at the NorVa friday and I am really glad I didn't have to pay for it. Brand New was the headliner and they have always been one of my top favorite bands. I actually had tickets to see them about 4 years ago but never got the chance. I now wish I had seen them then instead of now because I enjoy their older music more than their newer stuff. They played one old song and the rest was new songs.

Anyways, the other bands playing were MeWithoutYou, who were kinda blah, and Thrice, who I've seen 2 times before when I was more into them a couple years ago but could really care less for now. The worst thing about the show was that during Thrice, the set change between, and Brand New I was squished from all sides thanks to the retards pushing at the back of the crowd. I was in the second row of people from the front barricade.

I was so pissed off at the people and the security guards for their lack of help or acknowledgment of the problem that I didn't enjoy the music at all. I e-mailed the NorVa with my complaint concluding the fact that I am seriously thinking of never coming there again, because I've never had to tolerate that shit. It's really sad that they don't care about the safety of their guests, especially when they could definitely get sued for someone passing out from their lungs being collapsed.