Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I feel so left out

I feel so alone. My friends don't even try to see me anymore. I rarely get a phone call or text message. They say they miss me but make little to no effort to see me. I'm frustrated with this whole car situation. I'm trying to work a lot so I can save up the rest of my summer paychecks to get another car. But having to find rides and figure a way to work is making it so much harder to do.. I feel like a hopeless wreck and I haven't felt like this in a while. Usually I can get by because of dance and my friends but lately I have neither and it's so hard. I just want to dance, I don't want to deal with any of this. I can't wait for GSA to start I miss everything about it and having a schedule. I wish I had one person I could completely rely on to be there for me but I don't. I just want someone to hold me like Ryan used to when I felt like my life was crashing down. Ugh and my mom isn't making me feel any better.

Time after time

I finally figured out what I should try to write about for my narrative.
I'll probably attempt in my next entry.

I've never felt so hopeless about love. I'm scared. I can't get him out of my head and his smile makes me blush so bad. I'm just so afraid I'm making a fool of myself. I can't seem to feel like he wants me to make any moves.. He acts so different around me. Katie says he's just nervous but it makes me feel like it's not right if he's that different.. Ugh I just want someone to hold me.

And I miss Ashton so much.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Just a wee update :]

So my car pretty much died Saturday while I was on my way to the mall after work with Annabel and Erik. I was depressed the rest of the day. I had to take my mom's van and did some pity shopping and eating. I've been unhappy for the past couple days. I'm feeling a little better now. That cute boy John from work has been nice enough to give me rides. Today it was pouring down cat, dogs, mooses, camels.. you name it. So when we got to work we stayed in the break room for half an hour until they announced the park was closed. Then our team came in and we had a round robin of "introduce yourself" because Nigel says we're not as tight as last year's team. Then after a discussion of a party at some girl's house later, I got both Jeff's and John's number. Sweet deal.

I took my mom back to work and then drove to Bailey's hair place only to find it's closed on Mondays.. So I went over to Twist Salon and made an appointment for 3pm because I really want to get it done with. I got some Starbucks and now I'm just waiting..

I feel more comfortable at work now. I'm kind of glad Nigel made us do the whole group introduction thing. I also think my car getting fucked and having John give me rides has brought me closer to the team too. I am so glad I finally feel a little more comfortable at work.

I had my first save(s) yesterday too! I did everything right and the kid was fine. I forgot to ask him to stick around for the supervisor to check him out but it's ok. I was so shaky afterwards though. I'm glad it's over with. I think it's good that I was so ready even if I started working there a month ago.

I haven't seen Bailey in like a week. I miss her so much. She's getting her license tomorrow. I'm so proud of her. She's like the little sister I've never had. She's going to be the number one person I'm going to miss when I leave after high school. I'm sad that this is my last year I'll see any of my friends for the longest time.. I am ready to treasure every last moment with them. I'm already missing the ones who are leaving soon and going to be leaving me within the next 6 months..

I have a feeling that this year I'm going to be going solo again. My dating pattern continues.. Single one year, taken at some point the next year.. It's crazy to think that if I hadn't dated Ryan I would have been single for almost 2 years. Some people find it funny that I'm like that but really .. my mom has been single for more than a couple years now.. She scares me some times with the stuff she says.. like "I went to school, got good grades, graduating college early and look where I am.. My brother was a drug dealer and took years to get his shit together, and he's got a great job and a gorgeous family and house. I guess doing well in school doesn't really matter.. I just hope you don't end up like me. Be careful who you marry and make sure they have a good job."

I hope I don't end up like her either...

Thursday, July 26, 2007


Death Cab For Cutie.
Harry Potter.
wind banging on my window.
winter romance.
hot drinks.
extra blankets.
trying to stay warm in my car.
cigarettes in the cold.
smells of pumpkin pie and squash casserole.
new class excitement at school.

i miss it all.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

There is no try, there is only do.

So I'm supposed to write a 3-4 page narrative for AP English with inspiration from the book The Things We Carried. We have to use the author's writing techniques and some of the literary figures he uses as well. He told a story about his first love and her sad, sad death of age 9 (I think). I thought about using love as my topic. So I may post my attempt on the blog just to see what my random readers think about it. I would love any advice. I am not much of an amazing writer though I have quite a few friends who I worship with a snap of a finger after reading anything they write. I really wish I had their talent. I used to call myself poet but I was young and had no idea what I was talking about. I guess I had a better imagination back then! ha ha ha...

Attempt #1:

Warm breezes make their way through my hair, as I sit restless in the lounge chair on the backyard patio. I am hidden beneath the same stars that came out on our first date. It was during the same season that we met by accident. The trees surrounded us as they surround me now, older and wiser. The season always reminds me of you and the way I lost you to my reckless stubborness and haste. I was not even in high school yet. I was looking for adventure just as old bad influences had taught me. You were quiet and had me searching your mysterious posture for a hint as to whether you had any interest in breaking through my walls as well.

My friend told me her neighbor was coming over and he was bringing a friend too. When they arrived I immediately became keen to keep an eye on his friend. It was dark out but we decided still to take a swim. We all were high on the warm air and magic that the youthful season gives us. We were obnoxiously flirtatious in our game. All in good fun it definitely was. I later confided in my friend that I had thought he was cute. She, of course, in our childish ways, went and asked him what he thought of me, knowingly that she would tell me anything he said. I received the highest compliment I have ever received from a guy, whom I thought to be quite a shy one. He said that he had never liked a girl as beautiful as me. Apparently, according to my friend, that was quite something coming from him.

I was not so daring in my dating ventures in those days. But my chance came to make my move and I stole it! I had just won tickets to a huge concert event for the next day and I had to find someone to go with. I asked my friend if he was available and she got me to ask him myself. He was glad to do it. I stayed up for a few hours that night, thinking about all that could happen in the next twenty-four hours. I hadn't been that excited since I had left middle school.

The rain came down in pours and the humidity did not make it any better. It was going to be a long day. In the car we barely made eye contact except for when I would glance at him and look away when he stared back and smiled to himself. It was hard finding words and so we had his mom and brother to rely on for conversation. I listened to the rain being swept away by the wipers and tried to keep my cool. I was overpowered by his presence and couldn't help but blush when i daydreamed about the day ahead.

I ran about the ampitheater with him and my friend watching all the bands play. The music helped with the awkwardness. Sometimes he just wanted to sit because, as he would say, he was tired. I was starting to worry that he had changed his mind and was bored. At the end of the day the last band came on stage. Everybody couldn't help but gather and jump and dance to every song. I looked over at him and decided that I had to do something to save this day. My friend and I grabbed him and made him stand up and dance with us. He began to smile and join in and I found I could finally breathe. We walked out of the ampitheater arms around him, like a pimp, we joked. On the way home, we dropped off my friend and then went to his house. By then we had found some sort of comfortable proximity and somehow his arm ended up around me. I reached for his hand and closed my eyes as I gave into his embrace. The movement from the car seemed to put me into a trance while the radio played songs reminiscent of the day passed.

After that we talked every chance we could online. We decided that we'd date officially. I felt so happy and thought that summer would be the best one to have before high school. We tried to meet up for a movie once. I too nervous to do anything but hold his hand and kiss his cheek one time. The weather never seemed to fair out whenever we chanced a date. We were too young to go out ourselves. We had to rely on parents for transportation. He worked and was committed to his art and music. I was only committed to my dancing and some work here and there. We were limited in many ways and that's when frustration set in. I tried to remember the few special nights we spent together and the talks we shared. But in the end, I was forced to give the ultimatum.

He took the way out. I was hoping he wouldn't. I was young and heartbroken. I thought about him constantly. I sat in my bedroom and voiced mt thoughts to my friend, who became more and more agitated, while we listened to Taking Back Sunday. I became, what some would call, obsessed. I was, to put it frankly, pathetic.

I did find myself in other relationships as time went on. I looked for him in the hallways when school started. Fat chance it was, and so were my attempts to get back with him. I can still remember the smell of our first date, of the rain, of him and his sweatshirt. I can still remember how he held me. I still remember the way he looked down at me after we hugged goodbye for the last time.

Throughout the years I have kept in touch with him. We still talk occasionally. I have tried to move on. However it is hard to forget. I don't want to forget. Who wants to forget their first true young love? Somehow I still believe we have unfinished business. A quote takes on a whole new meaning once you finally experience what it means; "you never know what you got till it's gone". I threw away what I believe to be the most idealistic boyfriend I had.

Now as a rising high school senior I have accepted that my obsession is entirely worthless to my time. I still haven't let go completely, but only as much as I can. I am still found blushing within his presence, as sad as I know that sounds. He has gone away to his old home of California to continue his study of art in college. He is at home but is homesick. He has taught me that there is nothing compared to "southern hospitality" and the family we build here. I was an applicant to request his company before he left and he regrets not taking it. If he fulfills his promise of meeting over his holiday break this winter he will have broken his word. He once tried to get rid of me, I'm not sure why, by giving me the excuse that there was no point in hanging out with me because he probably wouldn't even talk to me once he went off to college. I can see that we have both changed by this evidence. It seems so ironic to me now. It even makes me laugh, but I still adore him.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Repetez apres-moi

So I pretty much spent 24 hours (minus the 6 I slept)
reading the Harry Potter seventh installment.
I'm very sad the anticipation has ended.
I love those books.
There is so much mystery to solve and put together.
I'm very happy with the ending.
I won't spoil it like some people..

I still stand that if I was J.K. Rowling
I would be ashamed of any of the movies.
They are a spec of sand compared to the books' mounting treasure.

I definitely only like work because it pays well,
there are cute boys, and some of the people I get to talk to
are actually interestingly nice people.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Just do it, Love.

So lately I've been smiling because of boys.
One of my exes moved to Cali for school and I asked him how he was doing and he sent me a message about leaving home and stuff.. But his message had a post script which implied his regrets for not seeing me before he left and that we should when he visits for the holidays. So that set my day off with a smile yesterday.
Today a boy I work with was constantly flirting with me and by the end of the day he gave me a hug. He had been calling me hot stuff and saying he loved me all day.. which would make any girl feel good. I definitely didn't hate it.

I am wanting someone to hold me more and more as the days go on. I'm trying to be patient. I hope good things come to me because I'm patient.. you know as the saying goes.. "Good things come to those who wait". I need someone new. Even though Ashton is an ex, we haven't hungout or been together at all for 4 years. Our relationship was very short and didn't get too far the first time around. I hope he means to be more friendly than just friends ha :]

Sunday, July 15, 2007


Work is hard. It's the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life. And I don't think anyone likes me there.. :[

All I do is work eat sleep and try to get this stupid AP assignment done.
I am rushing to get this book and all the posts done ont he two days I ahve off before friday.

And all the sudden everyone is trying to hangout with me.

I miss dance so much.

This summer looked like it was going to be the best yet and now I'm changing my mind.

Oh p.s. I really don't like people... especially the black people (sorry if i sound racist here) but yeah the black people who I constantly have to remind and yell at for breaking rules and to get out of a freakin tube or reccommend to them not to ride a ride that has 8-10ft at the bottom cause I know they can't swim! ugh seriously just don't even go to a waterpark if you can't swim.. cause really it's annoying as well as a death wish.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Mother of mine.

We all love our parents unconditionally whether we hate them at all or completely, there is nothing you can do about it. But we all strive to be more than what they are, as they want us to be more as well. There are times when we just want to run to them and be held in there arms for all eternity. However there are times where we can't stand them and pity them for what they've become.

I know that my relationships with my parents are what some would call "abnormal" because most kids hate their parents or they are uncool and cannot relate to youth as they once did or they are super strict and just "don't understand" or they can't talk to them on an equal level.

My relationship with my father was once the ideal daddy's girl type until i grew up and found my own opinions and became hurt by a lot of the things he did and said. Now everything is awkward around him and I refuse to touch any subject that deals with him. I am very glad that he lives 3 states away.

My mother and i have always been very close. We have a special bond because we are both girls as all girl relationships are. We shared many rides to/from dance class over the past decade and road trips to competitions early on. As I grew into the woman I am today, she helped through every thing I encountered along the way. We've had our fights but we always come around. For a while, each other was all we had. Through my parents problems I was her crutch to lean on. I learned a lot from my parents problems about what I want in love and life and what not to do in the future.

In many ways I absolutely do not want to be my mother. She is too forgiving and lets people walk all over her. I wish she was more controlling so my brothers would be in better shape and so would she. I hope to not be as obssessed with how money controls life as she is-- she thinks that her schooling has gotten her nowhere in life and that me marrying a guy who is rich will solve any problems that I could have in marriage and life in general. She talks way too much and gets aggravated when I try to tell her that I'm trying to concentrate on something else, i.e. my reading or the one tv show I watch or things need to get done on my only day off.

I'm growing up fast and she obviously can't handle my newly profound independence. I understand what she's feeling but it's not my job to make her let go. She still thinks I'm that 9 year old girl who always listened to her worries in the car on the way to dance and that I will sit there without objection. I have responsibilities now that I need to utilize. I want things a certain way and I want them to work out better than they did for her. I will not settle for less. I want what I deserve. I won't have anyone stand in my way and tell me no you have to stay back here with the rest of us and suffer the same way.

Monday, July 9, 2007

I know I just updated but..

I am not having a good few days at all.
Work is so stressful.
I got audited today at work, which means they watch your scanning and at the end of the day they ask you to demonstrate CPR & stuff in front of all the guards.

SO yeah I completely failed it.
I'm glad I saved my last cigarette til after work..
So I smoked and then as soon as I got home I sat in my car and brokedown.
I just sat there and cried.
from work.
I didn't think any other job after Ocean ice's would make me cry..
ugh I fail at death as well as life.

I want to be good at this job.
I want everyone to like me.
I want to go back to dance.
I want to see my friends.
I want to find somebody.
I want .. my life back.
I want to be able to relax during my summer break and be happy again.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

So here's the DL

I'm in a dry spot of luck and love.

Ryan is desperately trying to get back with me again..

I am desperately trying to find someone else while everyone else has somebody already and it's such a tease. I hate when this happens.

I am doing good on my AP assignment.. but I'm still nervous about having time for it all and relaxing.

My little brother got jumped today. I know I hate on him but really that's just fucked up. He made a joke about this kids mom like months ago, apparently she is dead, and they saw him and decided to follow him home after threatening him.. He just wanted to get home not fight but they jumped him anyways. They came back and apologized but it doesn't erase the fact that they did it and that he's got black eyes and bruises now.

I hate people.

I recently discovered a great new singer Rachael Yamagata. I'm also loving Kanye West and old classic rock. The Police and The Beatles most def. I love the Forest Gump Soundtrack and of course the movie just makes me wish I was born to be a hippie and live during the 50s-70s.

I am so out of shape. I haven't been to dance class in over a week. I swear even my toes are seeming bigger. UGH! I hate money and time. They are the enemy. I don't have the money to pay for the gas or the classes I want to take, which I can't go to since I have to work or I'm too tired from work.. I am always hungry because I'm always outside and I have easy resources. So that doesn't help. I could be walking and doing ball exercises but of course I'm lazy.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow. I have no money to get her anything.. so when I get paid friday I'm going to take her to get her second holes in her ears. So there goes the other 4th of my paycheck. I had $50 taken out for my uniform. I was gonna save some for my NYC trip fund but I need gas and dance class money.. Plus I really am thinking about trying to get a new car but we all know that's not happening..

So yeah that's my life in stream of consciousness.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

You have stolen my heart

I spent my childhood dreaming for something this amazing, and maybe I'm exaggerating here, but I think you're my first love. We took it to the next level. I didn't see you at the level after that and that's when I decided to end it. However I did enjoy the time we spent together. I was so happy. Everyone could see it. I was different with you. You are the only boyfriend I have ever had who is still friends with me. You truly cared. You may not have been very good at grand jestures but the little things you did for me counted. I am so comfortable with you and I can talk to you about anything. You are still there for me when I need someone to cuddle or complain to. When I want to throw things at my family you are there to cheer me on in my riots haha.. and console me when they make me cry.
I dream about the road trip we made and the days we spent in your car bundled up and hanging with your friends, saying hello to dear Thomas Jefferson and claiming rocks rock! haha I am always reminded of you when i listen to Minus the Bear, especially the song about going to Europe and drinking absinthe and "how good we look together".. Eternal Sunshine will always remind me of how we keep coming back to each other and fate is pushing us together again (yet I will not help it push) and how much you thought it was a boring movie but you watched it with me. I remember hot tamales and eating the whole bag.
I was gracious for everything you did but the whole time I was questioning whether I wanted to be with you. I spent 4 days without you doing what I love most, and then was struck with a betrayal I couldn't of imagined.. an that's when i decided I needed to be without you. I could have stuck it through but I needed the feeling of freedom.. this is when everyone seems to think I went bad.. I broke it off with the onyl guy who truly cared about me.. I stopped talking to most of my closest friends.. and I cried in public.. plus I started smoking.. I know I am changing topics but I feel the need to express this in words.. I changed.

That was when I as a person, in mind and soul, CHANGED.

I decided that I would need to trust more carefully, and live more freely, and live the way I wanted because we only get one life. I wasn't peer pressured into smoking, I wasn't forced, my friends never pushed it on me.. I went to them. I told them straight up I wanted to smoke. I am sick and tired of people assuming things about me. If I may quote the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, "Why should I live up to other people's standards?" So really I don't care what you think.. but it is none of your right or business to go ahead and start telling people that I've started smoking if I haven't or don't want them to know yet. That's my business. And I don't think you have a right to give your judgement on my life when you don't know anything about it.