December 4, 2007

I'm honestly unhappy with my life. I don't like school because of the people. I guess I'm weird and actually want to learn something. I've never been good at socializing. When I was younger and struggled to maintain friends, I told myself it would get better. I wanted to be Miss Popular in middle school or high school. Of course, I was always the loner. Especially when my parents decided to move us ion the middle of elementary school for something that wouldn't really affect us for years to come (SOLs). I was scared that I wouldn't make friends, which I really didn't because everyone had their cliques since kindergarten. So a fresh start mind set was wasted. Same thing in middle school. It was a little better in high school but I still felt like an outsider. If I had a close friend they were never in any of my classes and of course hanging out was hard because of Governor's School.
I've never really had the same mindset as most Kellam kids or high schoolers in general. I don't have a lot of money so i don't make myself up or wear the most fashionable clothes like everyone else. People immediately judge upon first appearances and impressions and since I don't look like them or think like them they ignore me. Half of the time I get nasty looks from people who I don't even know and they don't know me, but since we share the same class they think they know me. Now it's my senior year and I was told to vote for senior superlatives and I honestly didn't know 90% of the people on the lists to choose nominees from. While everyone else is thinking about after-school activities, going tanning, highlighting their hair, getting ready for prom, shopping, getting high, getting trashed, buying a new car, going to Europe after graduation..
I'm thinking of how to get a job, how to pay for the gas in my car, trying to get a scholarship, what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and how I will ever pay for it?.. I'm worried about if my life will ever be something I actually want and if I will be happy.. I'm tired of struggling financially. I'm tired of being pushed aside by friends. I'm tired of being overlooked and ignored in all aspects of my life. I'm tired of not beign good enough.
I don't like that my family isn't a warm, loving, connected group of people with a mom & dad still married. I don't like that my mom can barely make her monthly bill payments because my dad screwed us over and he is unemployed living off his senile mother in a different state. I don't like that because of that I will most likely not be able to pay for college.. which makes me feel like I have no chance of having a career or making a decent living ever. I feel like my life is black hole that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I just feel so alone and invisible and helpless and I'm just not sure what to do anymore..