Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy Holidays

It has been a while since my last update. I forgot to mention that I had seen Erik a.k.a. "Aughie".  He had contacted me and told me he was to be home for Thanksgiving and so we tried to get together.  Abe and I had lunch with Erik at Ruby Tuesdays- they have a great salad bar, plus the sushi place was closed.  It was great! I hadn't seen my adventurous friend in almost a year and he was telling me all about his next grand adventure to live in Paris with his Lux boyfriend, Cedric.  I'm so happy for him because he is doing what he wants and seeing the world.  I admit I am jealous of my newly expatriated friend.  I miss him but I'm happy for him it is overruled. Erik also got to meet Abe for the first time and they got along and gave each other rave reviews.  It was more than I could ask for on a weekend home.

Abe and I made up after I got upset in my last post.. I went out that night and got so drunk I puked everywhere (I've never thrown up from alcohol). Then he surprised me by showing up the next morning and we took a trip to D.C. and it was all wonderful.  It was fun and sort of romantic because it was just the two of us exploring the city and it was snowing and the christmas decorations were up.. 
So all that was fixed... I had one more week of school- exams. That was actually one of the best weeks of school ever because I actually got to hangout with people from the dance dept and I now have 4 friends I know I can count on to still talk to me when I don't dance next semester. I have a workout buddy now too! It's great because I really need to keep on top of my body because I don't want to just let myself go.

Anyways end of the semester is over and I got my grades; 3 C's; 3 B's; 2 A's.. the academic classes I didn't get any C's in so I'm relieved at that but disappointed with my new GPA.  I'm determined to get at least a 3.5 next semester... up from the current 2.6! oh mon dieu! I'm actually pretty anxious about next semester because I won't be dancing and I have some pretty hard academic classes to tackle, including biology, economics, european history, and U.S. government.  My government teacher from high school has already given his blessing on my major switch to Education and told me I better pass government with an A!  I'm actually excited to finally get a break for my body from dance even though I'm going to miss it. I'm hoping for a more relaxed semester.

Winter break started for me on December 12th but I didn't get home til the 13th.  I have been enjoying being lazy and doing nothing but also spending tons of time with Abe and my family.  My mom and I have missed each other a lot.  My brothers aren't as unbearable either. It's been a great time.  Christmas week- went to my grandmother's house and Abe was a hit; spent christmas eve at my mom's making cookies, wrapping gifts, and watching The Christmas Story; woke up at my mom's christmas morning and opened presents, went to my grandfather's house and Abe was a hit again; then came home and enjoyed a christmas dinner/party at Abe's apartment with his roommate and her friends.  So it's been very festive and possibly the best Christmas I've ever had.  There was so much love and friendship.  My older brother also was given a cat for Christmas from his girlfriend so Sally was the center of our family for a while too.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


I suddenly feel like I'm in a rut.. Maybe it's not a rut. But who knows.. Everyone is doing great things with their life and I'm trying my best not to stress the fuck out.  

My family and I fought over Thanksgiving break and now I'm super bummer with my life. I don't ever want to go back to my mom's either because I never have a good time. So now, I can't get my car back til my older brother sets his shit straight with his car.. Then yesterday my mom tells me he lost his job.  So now he's even more fucked which makes me even more fucked. No car means no job at Panera over break which means no money to buy Greer a birthday present or buy any Christmas presents.  I love giving gifts. I love driving my car. I love working. Who knows how long it'll take Chris to find another job let alone get his fucking car fixed.  I'll never get my car back. I need to start working during school so I can get used to it and start saving for a place to live next year with Abe or Greer. UGH! I need to keep my life on track. It is not my fault to take care of my older brother if he fucks up his life.  He never does shit for me. I want to live my own life without having to pick up after my family anymore!!!!!  Is that so hard to ask?

This is going to be the worst Christmas ever if I can't be giving. I will be bored out of my mind sitting at Abe's apartment all the time and having to listen to his annoying roommate.  Abe will be working so I won't see him all the time. 

I feel like I'm losing control of my life.  I have lost that loving feeling too.  I want us to last forever.  I don't know why I haven't felt good for a while. I know it's been hard for you with your mom's death but you've been acting different, sad and quiet lately and I need to know that it's about that and it's not about me. I don't want to give up on the only thing that keeps me from jumping ship.  I can't live without you voice, your touch, your kiss, you love, you suport, your arms for me to fall into when I can't stand.