Happy Summer 2007

SO! I finished my Junior year on Tuesday. I'm so glad to finally be a senior. It's such a surreal feeling though. I've already stayed out late and partied with my good friend Bailey and some really nice and cute guy friends the past couple days.. They're all graduating so everyone's in such a good mood.
I'm glad I have gotten closer to Bailey.. even if it causes a rift between any of my other "friends". It has been a long time since I have had a friend this close. We all go through these phases of hanging out with one person for an amount of time. That doesn't mean you completely change what you think about the ones you used to spend your time with. It just means your are experiencing the company of others and learning from them and giving to them as you both embark a new adventure.
Although it is only Friday June 15th, 2007 and technically school just ended yesterday and people are still going through their graduations and parties.. it feels as if a month has already passed. Governor's School ended a week ago and with strong barrels of feelings along with it. I miss the everyday scene of people and things and places and activities. I haven't danced in over a week.
I finally have a car though and I can start planning to take class again. I was very excited to just find a car so we bought it on a whim. We felt it was right and we were exhilarated reflecting moments afterwards.. but now after driving it and experiencing it more firsthand and one-to-one by myself.. I am having my worries and doubts and "what if"s.. I had found two other ads with cars i would have rather been more comfortable in driving and using fo ra long period of time.. My mom says "Everything happens for a reason" and I hope she is right. I hope that this car lasts and grows on me in a good way. I don't hate it. I am extremely grateful to have a car, at last. I am just worried, as I am about everything..
Another worry of mine lately has been this weekend. My brother finally knows for sure that he is graduating. Tomorrow he will walk among his peers to switch his tassle to the other side and end one journey. My father and his girlfriend are coming up.. I have had a basket of feelings on my back ever since he left and they have grown heavier with hatred and indifference since. I will have to put on my fake face and be Little Miss Polite for all my family to see and please my mother. I am in no mood to entertain guests especially when I want to just get away because I know my father will be in close range and I have no desire in my entire body to even look at him yet converse with him.
I hate being fake. I wish I could just be myself and let myself feel like it's okay to be myself. I have love for my family and I try m hardest ot accept everyone for who they are and want to be. I don't alwasy feel I am recieved in the same manner.
I know I have said it before, but I shall say it again: I could care less if I see or talk to my father ever again. I believe it's sad I feel this way. However, that's how I feel and I think it would be better if I didn't. He's not a comfort or a place of love or a mentor or a friend. He's the guy who always causes unneccessary drama and hurt and ruins our financial happiness. My one wish, if I was ever given one, would for my mother to have chosen a better man to have married and had kids with.. I somewhat believe that if she did, I would probably not exist but I feel I would rather he gone through a happy marriage and had a happy life than to have suffered suhc unhappiness it has brought her.

Well I hope tomorrow is bearable at least.

P.S. I'm reading a great book on the Vietnam War called The Things They Carried for AP English.