Bonsoir

Well I have been suffering through a sinus infection all week and today was the worst because my whole right side of my face had so much pressure that I felt it in my teeth. I'm taking so many pills now..

I also got a new job at Panera Bread. I may just quit JC Penney's Portrait Studio since they never put me on the schedule anyways.

I'd just like to say that I miss Erik very much and hope he's made lots of new friends in Texas.

"Mind over Matter"

The car alarm across the street is going off. The wind and rain beat at the window as the cold tries to creep in. My keyboard isn't working completely and I put all my frustration into it.. I am still recovering from this cold, or whatever it is, that I have. I have been getting over a guy during this break. I am fortunate enough to have such a great family. They are the only reason I am able to get through life. The disgust I have for those who steal is more than ever growing since the incident with my car. I am trying to understand why people choose not to communicate with others. I am going crazy without human contact and communication is the key to keeping sane. I can feel that I am growing up. If I ever get to a New Years where I don't feel that I have grown in the year past then I should have failed. I am proud of myself and continue to grow in every way towards becoming who I want to be. It's sad that others will try to bring someone down when they see that they are succeeding. I pity those who think they are in the right when they should be focusing on themselves instead of others. I am eager for the future, even if it is uncertain because that makes it all the more attractive. I finished another book, Infidelities: Stories of War & Lust by Josip Novakovich, which I borrowed from a friend, and I plan on buying his book April Fool's Day. I wish I could sit in bed all break reading books but I have to work because giving gifts makes one very broke. I am trying to do normal things because I believe I can undo my sickness if I can make myself believe I am not sick. I will report back with those results.

Ciao.

Christmas Blues

I had a great time this week. The week before Christmas is always filled with fun and good times. Friday I had the best luck when I was hanging out with my friend Lauren and I got home late after dropping her off at her house. The next morning I got up early to go pick my cousin up in Newport News.

I got into my car and was reaching for my Paris cigarette case when I noticed it wasn't there. I check my purse, it wasn't there. I went back into my house, it wasn't there. I then checked my glove compartment and not even the Camel cigarette box was in there. I was pissed because I thought my brothers did it. I noticed the passenger door was unlocked. I had to leave to get my cousin so I drove all the way there, angry and upset at myself for leaving the door unlocked.

When I pulled into my cousin's driveway I reached down to check the side pocket of the driver's door and noticed it was completely empty. I thought oh no! what was there?! It was my iPod video, the adapter, and my autographed Mae: Singularity cd. At that point I began to really get upset. Someone had broken into my car and stolen some of my prized possessions. I'm sad that I don't have my Mae cd anymore. I love that cd. I was just thinking the other day about how I should bring my iPod in because I don't use it in my car.. and the next day it gets stolen. And I loved my Eiffel Tower cigarette case. It was a real photo of it in Paris.

I woke up this morning hoping that yesterday was a nightmare.. But it was real. It happened. It's sad that people do this. Especially around Christmas time. Now everyone in my immediately family, my mom , older brother and me, have all had our cars broken into and had something valuable stolen. This is a sad sad world. It has ruined my holiday.

It's "see you later"

I just got home from driving in this terrible weather of rain, wind and cold. I had the most depressing goodbye of my life with one of the most amazing persons I have ever known.

I have never had this sort of event occur in my life; the one where a friend moves away. I remember the first day I talked to Erik on the bus ride home from GSA and I'm so glad I sat by him that day.

I know it's not goodbye forever. But I could not help the tears that streamed down my face as I drove home tonight.

Through all the changes in the past year he has been a constant positive force like sunshine on a cloudy day.

I love you honey and I'm so happy for everything that is happening in your life right now! I can't wait to share another adventure with you someday in the future.

I guess I missed that part

I think I missed the part of growing up where I was supposed to join a clique.

I seemed to have tried so hard to not try so hard that it's backfired.

People are jealous of my easy schedule but I really am more apathetic to it.
I am jealous of them hanging out with their friends.
Mine seem to have vanished into thin air.

These times have really opened my eyes.
You can see who people really are and whether or not you want to be their friend,
or why you would or wouldn't want to be their friend.
You can picture what you'd really like to do,
but is it what you can do
or what you can afford to do?
But would you be happy there
or would you cripple and die
without the normal structure of life
you've had since you were born?
I can say how much I want to leave and how much I want to travel the world
but I am scared that when I come back I won't have any friends to visit.
No places of memory or love only hate and lonesomeness.
I look around at school at all the middle-class teens
who have been involved in after-school activities
and go to parties with their friends
and have a huge circle of best friends
and they laugh and they cry and they fight for each other
and I wish I was one of them.
Is it pathetic that I go through my day to day routines
of school, dance class, and driving home in rush hour traffic by myself every day?
I know we all are born into our parents arms
but we seem to travel through life alone;
are we destined to die alone as well?
Will going to college really change this feeling inside me?
Will I find happiness
or will I find I made it up all too much for it to really make me satisfied?

I can only wonder..