ello.

Work is hard. It's the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life. And I don't think anyone likes me there.. :[

All I do is work eat sleep and try to get this stupid AP assignment done.
I am rushing to get this book and all the posts done ont he two days I ahve off before friday.

And all the sudden everyone is trying to hangout with me.

I miss dance so much.

This summer looked like it was going to be the best yet and now I'm changing my mind.

Oh p.s. I really don't like people... especially the black people (sorry if i sound racist here) but yeah the black people who I constantly have to remind and yell at for breaking rules and to get out of a freakin tube or reccommend to them not to ride a ride that has 8-10ft at the bottom cause I know they can't swim! ugh seriously just don't even go to a waterpark if you can't swim.. cause really it's annoying as well as a death wish.

Mother of mine.

We all love our parents unconditionally whether we hate them at all or completely, there is nothing you can do about it. But we all strive to be more than what they are, as they want us to be more as well. There are times when we just want to run to them and be held in there arms for all eternity. However there are times where we can't stand them and pity them for what they've become.

I know that my relationships with my parents are what some would call "abnormal" because most kids hate their parents or they are uncool and cannot relate to youth as they once did or they are super strict and just "don't understand" or they can't talk to them on an equal level.

My relationship with my father was once the ideal daddy's girl type until i grew up and found my own opinions and became hurt by a lot of the things he did and said. Now everything is awkward around him and I refuse to touch any subject that deals with him. I am very glad that he lives 3 states away.

My mother and i have always been very close. We have a special bond because we are both girls as all girl relationships are. We shared many rides to/from dance class over the past decade and road trips to competitions early on. As I grew into the woman I am today, she helped through every thing I encountered along the way. We've had our fights but we always come around. For a while, each other was all we had. Through my parents problems I was her crutch to lean on. I learned a lot from my parents problems about what I want in love and life and what not to do in the future.

In many ways I absolutely do not want to be my mother. She is too forgiving and lets people walk all over her. I wish she was more controlling so my brothers would be in better shape and so would she. I hope to not be as obssessed with how money controls life as she is-- she thinks that her schooling has gotten her nowhere in life and that me marrying a guy who is rich will solve any problems that I could have in marriage and life in general. She talks way too much and gets aggravated when I try to tell her that I'm trying to concentrate on something else, i.e. my reading or the one tv show I watch or things need to get done on my only day off.

I'm growing up fast and she obviously can't handle my newly profound independence. I understand what she's feeling but it's not my job to make her let go. She still thinks I'm that 9 year old girl who always listened to her worries in the car on the way to dance and that I will sit there without objection. I have responsibilities now that I need to utilize. I want things a certain way and I want them to work out better than they did for her. I will not settle for less. I want what I deserve. I won't have anyone stand in my way and tell me no you have to stay back here with the rest of us and suffer the same way.

I know I just updated but..

I am not having a good few days at all.
Work is so stressful.
I got audited today at work, which means they watch your scanning and at the end of the day they ask you to demonstrate CPR & stuff in front of all the guards.

SO yeah I completely failed it.
I'm glad I saved my last cigarette til after work..
So I smoked and then as soon as I got home I sat in my car and brokedown.
I just sat there and cried.
CRIED.
from work.
I didn't think any other job after Ocean ice's would make me cry..
ugh I fail at death as well as life.


I want to be good at this job.
I want everyone to like me.
I want to go back to dance.
I want to see my friends.
I want to find somebody.
I want .. my life back.
I want to be able to relax during my summer break and be happy again.

So here's the DL

I'm in a dry spot of luck and love.

Ryan is desperately trying to get back with me again..

I am desperately trying to find someone else while everyone else has somebody already and it's such a tease. I hate when this happens.

I am doing good on my AP assignment.. but I'm still nervous about having time for it all and relaxing.

My little brother got jumped today. I know I hate on him but really that's just fucked up. He made a joke about this kids mom like months ago, apparently she is dead, and they saw him and decided to follow him home after threatening him.. He just wanted to get home not fight but they jumped him anyways. They came back and apologized but it doesn't erase the fact that they did it and that he's got black eyes and bruises now.

I hate people.

I recently discovered a great new singer Rachael Yamagata. I'm also loving Kanye West and old classic rock. The Police and The Beatles most def. I love the Forest Gump Soundtrack and of course the movie just makes me wish I was born to be a hippie and live during the 50s-70s.

I am so out of shape. I haven't been to dance class in over a week. I swear even my toes are seeming bigger. UGH! I hate money and time. They are the enemy. I don't have the money to pay for the gas or the classes I want to take, which I can't go to since I have to work or I'm too tired from work.. I am always hungry because I'm always outside and I have easy resources. So that doesn't help. I could be walking and doing ball exercises but of course I'm lazy.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow. I have no money to get her anything.. so when I get paid friday I'm going to take her to get her second holes in her ears. So there goes the other 4th of my paycheck. I had $50 taken out for my uniform. I was gonna save some for my NYC trip fund but I need gas and dance class money.. Plus I really am thinking about trying to get a new car but we all know that's not happening..

So yeah that's my life in stream of consciousness.

You have stolen my heart

I spent my childhood dreaming for something this amazing, and maybe I'm exaggerating here, but I think you're my first love. We took it to the next level. I didn't see you at the level after that and that's when I decided to end it. However I did enjoy the time we spent together. I was so happy. Everyone could see it. I was different with you. You are the only boyfriend I have ever had who is still friends with me. You truly cared. You may not have been very good at grand jestures but the little things you did for me counted. I am so comfortable with you and I can talk to you about anything. You are still there for me when I need someone to cuddle or complain to. When I want to throw things at my family you are there to cheer me on in my riots haha.. and console me when they make me cry.
I dream about the road trip we made and the days we spent in your car bundled up and hanging with your friends, saying hello to dear Thomas Jefferson and claiming rocks rock! haha I am always reminded of you when i listen to Minus the Bear, especially the song about going to Europe and drinking absinthe and "how good we look together".. Eternal Sunshine will always remind me of how we keep coming back to each other and fate is pushing us together again (yet I will not help it push) and how much you thought it was a boring movie but you watched it with me. I remember hot tamales and eating the whole bag.
I was gracious for everything you did but the whole time I was questioning whether I wanted to be with you. I spent 4 days without you doing what I love most, and then was struck with a betrayal I couldn't of imagined.. an that's when i decided I needed to be without you. I could have stuck it through but I needed the feeling of freedom.. this is when everyone seems to think I went bad.. I broke it off with the onyl guy who truly cared about me.. I stopped talking to most of my closest friends.. and I cried in public.. plus I started smoking.. I know I am changing topics but I feel the need to express this in words.. I changed.

That was when I as a person, in mind and soul, CHANGED.

I decided that I would need to trust more carefully, and live more freely, and live the way I wanted because we only get one life. I wasn't peer pressured into smoking, I wasn't forced, my friends never pushed it on me.. I went to them. I told them straight up I wanted to smoke. I am sick and tired of people assuming things about me. If I may quote the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, "Why should I live up to other people's standards?" So really I don't care what you think.. but it is none of your right or business to go ahead and start telling people that I've started smoking if I haven't or don't want them to know yet. That's my business. And I don't think you have a right to give your judgement on my life when you don't know anything about it.