Don't carry the world up on your shoulders

So monday before last, I asked Abe to work things out with me. He did. Last monday we were officially back together. My birthday was okay. I've been receiving gifts, cards, and money for 2 weeks now. It's fun when your birthday is dragged out :) 

I'm feeling like my life is going towards a normalcy again. I'm moving back home. This is going to be a good move. Literally. I will get my independence back, which I lost somewhere along the way of college and a long distance relationship. I'll be having a short distance relationship again, can't wait! I'll be driving and working again. I'll still be going to school but it will be much cheaper since I'll be living at home. I'm applying to transfer to Old Dominion University right now. Paper work is something I really don't enjoy. I have one month left at VCU in Richmond. I'll be moving out May 2 and I have my last exam on May 6 then I'm free. 

I have to say it's been quite a journey to get to where I want to be. I have almost been alive for 2 decades. If you think about it, you spend the first 2 decades of your life trying to figure out who you are and what the hell you want to do with your life. Interesting.

"The most important relationship you have is with yourself" -DVF

I can't believe my birthday is saturday. iI can't believe it's already here. It seems like yesterday I was going to rehearsal for hours and then partying with my buddies from school and GSA at my old house for my 18th birthday.. Then getting my tattoo and meeting Abe for the first time.. 

It's funny how much changes in a year.  I've changed my major. Rethought my life many times.. I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months. Where I'll live, if I'll be in school, if I'll be single still..

I've grown so much in the past year. I appreciate so much more now. I've lived and learned. I'm almost done with my first year of college. It's so hard to believe I've come this far in my life. I am excited for what is to come yet scared about the things I might lose along the way..

I'm glad that I'm still strongly opinionated and I fight for what I believe is right and for what I want.  I'm glad I'm essentially still the same girl I was a year ago.. yet better improved. I have new friends and closer friends. I've met a few people I want in my life and gotten rid of a few I don't need. I have to say that I think the last year has been good for me. Over all I'm pleased with it.. I hope I can look back when I turn 20 and think the same, maybe better.

Spring Break

So I'm glad to be home for once. I'm glad the second time around, that I've become really upset because of Abe, that I am home with my mom instead all alone in a VCU dorm.  I am pretty sure Greer and I aren't friends anymore either. 

I feel like my life is really falling apart.  I lost the love of my life. The coolest best friend I've ever had. I don't have a job or car and don't see it happening for a while. I have barely made any friends at school. I've changed my major from dance. I miss dancing so much. I don't know if I really want to be an elementary school teacher. I don't know if I'll be going to VCU next year, depends on financial aid.  I don't know where I'll be living next year, which scares me the most.  

I have no plan or any idea what my future is going to be like. I'm really scared and just want to crawl in a hole and die. 

I thought about seeing one of those student counselors at school who are like therapists but I don't know how good an idea that would be. I took an online assessment test and I didn't like any of the results. I could be a good accountant since I'm good at math and I'm very organized and a perfectionist, and make lots of money. But is that what I want? Or I could study french and go to school in Paris for a couple years, become fluent and maybe be a High School teacher, that way I could travel and I miss French and I could teach and help people? Is that helping people? Ugh I don't know what I want to do with my life.  If I had my way I would be an awesome dancer and just join a company and perform til my dying days.. but I'm not an awesome dancer and there is no such company out there. Or I could stay on the path I'm on and become an elementary teacher with a slim hire outlook right now and not that much money plus a very demanding job.

Then there's this feeling I have of not belonging to anywhere. Where is home? My mom's new place doesn't feel like home to me. It's crazy that not even a month ago I was so happy and now I'm completely depressed. I feel more alone than ever. Being an adult really sucks. The economy scares me. My brothers can't even find one of those mindless jobs they have for teenagers.

The only reason I decided to blog is because I feel I have no one to run to, to talk to about what is going on in my head. No one cares, so I'll just write it down and hope it makes me feel a little bit better.

P.S. stay away from Scorpios.

I'm only going to keep this to view other blogs.

Abe broke up with me and I'm hating life right now.

I think my blogging is going to be on haitus for a long time.

Save the Drama for Yo Mama

This blog contains a post that has been engraved in my boyfriend's mind.  Unfortunately. I have debated deleting this blog because of it.. It's caused him emotional damage. He thinks that I was just going to toss him off before I went to college. Its taken several fights over the past month to get rid of his silly little thoughts.. I have no intention of leaving him. I did however reevaluate things before college, but what person doesn't?  I also was terribly upset when he drove off my college campus and I was left alone at college. So it's pretty obvious that I would not have left him..

anywho!  A month of fights between us has ensued and we hope they are gone FOREVER. I honestly have never cried so much in my life.  I think that it has taught us both that we definitely want to be together. So if anyone out there had hopes for us to break up-- BOOYAH! we aren't breaking up. I honestly hope we never break up. He's the best boyfriend, an amazing person, and he's my oso who gives the best oso hugs. :)

Greer has dropped the recent bomb that she is in fact NOT moving to Richmond.  If I am correct- she's been given a piercing apprenticeship at Blue HorseShoe and is going to finally be getting her license and a car.  She finally got herself a computer.  I didn't take her moving news too well. She has communication issues. I think we'll be on the rough for awhile.  Her turn.

I have made a close friend at school. Kelly is a dance major who actually keeps in touch with me.  I like that about her. She moved to California from New York and now is going to school here in Virginia.  Her brother is a dancer as well and her whole family is kick ass enthusiasts for working out.. therefore she is my workout buddy and keeps me motivated.  Go Kelly!

I've decided to live in the dorms next year-- hoping for the one that has double beds!  If I can figure a way to get financial aid to pay for an apartment I will do that instead!  But the big deal about this is that Abe and I decided it was too soon to live together and we were not prepared either ($$$).  I was upset over our decision because I felt we were taking a step back and not forwards.  But I'm trying to listen to my mom's advice that if things were meant to be then we will stay together and in a year will live together like we had planned. I hope you're right mom!

Other than that news.. I am enjoying spring semester much better than fall semester. I like having two or three classes a day not four exhausting dance classes. I do miss dancing very much.  But I'm planning on taking some over spring break hopefully. I was going to visit my dad in florida but I think it's going to fall through. Maybe summer would be a better time to visit so my brothers can come too.