Stuck in a rut

The new The Hills show and Newport harbor shows remind me of Ashton cause he's in Cali now.. I am still dreaming.. and remembering.

Nothing else has happened with any other boys. Although the topic of "that one boy who you always go back to" on The Hills reminded me of Cameron. UGH! Another guy I've liked who ended up dating someone with my same name..

Everything with Bailey is tearing me up inside. It's making me cry because I didn't think a situation like this would happen again or so soon. I hate being ditched for boyfriends or girlfriends. I didn't do anything to deserve such rudeness or the huge "cold shoulder" I've been getting from her, regardless of her parents or her phone allowances.

I feel like I really need someone to talk to lately. But I'm afraid to talk because it never makes anything better anymore. The summer is practically over, I mean it's August, and I still haven't met someone nice to hangout with. But you know it's probably all for the best because I'm just setting up for some heartbreak.

I'm also so stressed out trying to figure out all this car stuff.. Both my new car and my mom's van are in Newport News being fixed. Work is getting in the way of both of us trying to get them back and it's getting too frustrating. I thought getting this new car would end all the frustration not cause more.. I love that car already though. I want it back!

RANT

OK. I'm annoyed. Pretty much I'm just tired of being unappreciated by my friends.
This time it's Bailey. It's always someone I get really close to and is basically my "best friend".
Then they start treating me like shit.
I really wish I could just scream at them but I know that it is no good at all.
They never change. People just don't change. If they do, it takes a fucking long time.
My job has taught me a lot about people.
I've learned that people worry, a lot.
They freak out and no matter what you tell them, they will still freak out.
The only way to learn and change your mind is to experience something first-hand.
You have to learn from your mistakes, or other's mistakes.
I've also learned that people don't listen.
You can tell them one thing and they will keep on doing the other.
Sometimes it helps to show them how to do something, but as stated, they will only know through experience.
It is natural for people to worry because naturally we are all afraid, mostly of death.
This is why most cannot live fully, but also why many can.

Think about it.

I'm still amazed.

so my grandparents found me a car.
my mom went to sign all the papers yesterday without me cause I had to work.
so she's supposed to pick me up and I knew she was there but I couldn't see her van
so I get irritated and start calling her
as soon as I hit send
a gray car starts driving towards me honking..

it's my mom with my new car, a bow and everything on it.
I couldn't even speak.
I am so happy with it.
I am so thankful for everything my grandparents always do for my mom and me and anyone really.
they are amazing people.
I'm so blessed to have them in my life.
we are all blessed to have them.

Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling..

I am a dreamer. When it comes to anything I am always happy if I am thinking about what I want it to be. I do not like the way things are so I dream up what I wish them to be. I like to put on those rose colored glasses and when they are ripped off my face I am thrust into depression because of the truth staring me in the face the whole time. I just ignore it.

There is no way Ashton and I will ever be anything ever again but I wish.
There is no chance of John and I, he obviously doesn't like me that way at all.
I will never find that one true true true best friend who would do anything for me and be there for me always.

I used to be a loner with no friends at all, I was to the point of wanting to end it.. but all of that has changed (thank god). I tried to tell myself I deserve better and I am just as pretty as the other girls and not everyone hates me. My plan has backfired a little but I have a bigger bank of self-esteem because I finally gained the courage to stand up for myself. I have accepted certain realities about myself but I still believe I am just as worthy as everyone else. I am not conceited or arrogant at all. If you've had a conversation with me at all, you would know this. I am my biggest critic. I do act a certain way sometimes if I am feeling less confident but that doesn't mean I am arrogant about it. I have gotten remarks similar to this in the past and just wanted to make myself clear. I am a modest girl, I know what league I'm in, sadly.

As much as I am in agreement with every saying about girls not needing a guy to make them happy.. I do wish to have my own. I just want a guy who wants to talk to me and hangout until forever stops. A guy who will hold me the way Ashton did, who I adore like I did Justin, who will kiss me like Justin and Cameron and Bryan, and who will do anything for me and be there for me always like Ryan. I want to be that couple that everyone envies. It would perfect my senior year to find someone like that. but I am forced to accept that there is a 90% chance it won't happen.

Mais je peux esperer..

I wanna erase but I can't stop seeing your face

I admit that I am obsessed.

It doesn't help that he lives across the country either though.

I definitely get weak just from a guy's smile.

I have two stuck in my head.

God I am so boy crazy.

I never thought I'd be that girl.

But I am.

Hey at least I can admit it! ;]

I'll always have my Aughie though<3