"The most important relationship you have is with yourself" -DVF

I can't believe my birthday is saturday. iI can't believe it's already here. It seems like yesterday I was going to rehearsal for hours and then partying with my buddies from school and GSA at my old house for my 18th birthday.. Then getting my tattoo and meeting Abe for the first time.. 

It's funny how much changes in a year.  I've changed my major. Rethought my life many times.. I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months. Where I'll live, if I'll be in school, if I'll be single still..

I've grown so much in the past year. I appreciate so much more now. I've lived and learned. I'm almost done with my first year of college. It's so hard to believe I've come this far in my life. I am excited for what is to come yet scared about the things I might lose along the way..

I'm glad that I'm still strongly opinionated and I fight for what I believe is right and for what I want.  I'm glad I'm essentially still the same girl I was a year ago.. yet better improved. I have new friends and closer friends. I've met a few people I want in my life and gotten rid of a few I don't need. I have to say that I think the last year has been good for me. Over all I'm pleased with it.. I hope I can look back when I turn 20 and think the same, maybe better.

Spring Break

So I'm glad to be home for once. I'm glad the second time around, that I've become really upset because of Abe, that I am home with my mom instead all alone in a VCU dorm.  I am pretty sure Greer and I aren't friends anymore either. 

I feel like my life is really falling apart.  I lost the love of my life. The coolest best friend I've ever had. I don't have a job or car and don't see it happening for a while. I have barely made any friends at school. I've changed my major from dance. I miss dancing so much. I don't know if I really want to be an elementary school teacher. I don't know if I'll be going to VCU next year, depends on financial aid.  I don't know where I'll be living next year, which scares me the most.  

I have no plan or any idea what my future is going to be like. I'm really scared and just want to crawl in a hole and die. 

I thought about seeing one of those student counselors at school who are like therapists but I don't know how good an idea that would be. I took an online assessment test and I didn't like any of the results. I could be a good accountant since I'm good at math and I'm very organized and a perfectionist, and make lots of money. But is that what I want? Or I could study french and go to school in Paris for a couple years, become fluent and maybe be a High School teacher, that way I could travel and I miss French and I could teach and help people? Is that helping people? Ugh I don't know what I want to do with my life.  If I had my way I would be an awesome dancer and just join a company and perform til my dying days.. but I'm not an awesome dancer and there is no such company out there. Or I could stay on the path I'm on and become an elementary teacher with a slim hire outlook right now and not that much money plus a very demanding job.

Then there's this feeling I have of not belonging to anywhere. Where is home? My mom's new place doesn't feel like home to me. It's crazy that not even a month ago I was so happy and now I'm completely depressed. I feel more alone than ever. Being an adult really sucks. The economy scares me. My brothers can't even find one of those mindless jobs they have for teenagers.

The only reason I decided to blog is because I feel I have no one to run to, to talk to about what is going on in my head. No one cares, so I'll just write it down and hope it makes me feel a little bit better.

P.S. stay away from Scorpios.

I'm only going to keep this to view other blogs.

Abe broke up with me and I'm hating life right now.

I think my blogging is going to be on haitus for a long time.

Save the Drama for Yo Mama

This blog contains a post that has been engraved in my boyfriend's mind.  Unfortunately. I have debated deleting this blog because of it.. It's caused him emotional damage. He thinks that I was just going to toss him off before I went to college. Its taken several fights over the past month to get rid of his silly little thoughts.. I have no intention of leaving him. I did however reevaluate things before college, but what person doesn't?  I also was terribly upset when he drove off my college campus and I was left alone at college. So it's pretty obvious that I would not have left him..

anywho!  A month of fights between us has ensued and we hope they are gone FOREVER. I honestly have never cried so much in my life.  I think that it has taught us both that we definitely want to be together. So if anyone out there had hopes for us to break up-- BOOYAH! we aren't breaking up. I honestly hope we never break up. He's the best boyfriend, an amazing person, and he's my oso who gives the best oso hugs. :)

Greer has dropped the recent bomb that she is in fact NOT moving to Richmond.  If I am correct- she's been given a piercing apprenticeship at Blue HorseShoe and is going to finally be getting her license and a car.  She finally got herself a computer.  I didn't take her moving news too well. She has communication issues. I think we'll be on the rough for awhile.  Her turn.

I have made a close friend at school. Kelly is a dance major who actually keeps in touch with me.  I like that about her. She moved to California from New York and now is going to school here in Virginia.  Her brother is a dancer as well and her whole family is kick ass enthusiasts for working out.. therefore she is my workout buddy and keeps me motivated.  Go Kelly!

I've decided to live in the dorms next year-- hoping for the one that has double beds!  If I can figure a way to get financial aid to pay for an apartment I will do that instead!  But the big deal about this is that Abe and I decided it was too soon to live together and we were not prepared either ($$$).  I was upset over our decision because I felt we were taking a step back and not forwards.  But I'm trying to listen to my mom's advice that if things were meant to be then we will stay together and in a year will live together like we had planned. I hope you're right mom!

Other than that news.. I am enjoying spring semester much better than fall semester. I like having two or three classes a day not four exhausting dance classes. I do miss dancing very much.  But I'm planning on taking some over spring break hopefully. I was going to visit my dad in florida but I think it's going to fall through. Maybe summer would be a better time to visit so my brothers can come too.

Happy Holidays

It has been a while since my last update. I forgot to mention that I had seen Erik a.k.a. "Aughie".  He had contacted me and told me he was to be home for Thanksgiving and so we tried to get together.  Abe and I had lunch with Erik at Ruby Tuesdays- they have a great salad bar, plus the sushi place was closed.  It was great! I hadn't seen my adventurous friend in almost a year and he was telling me all about his next grand adventure to live in Paris with his Lux boyfriend, Cedric.  I'm so happy for him because he is doing what he wants and seeing the world.  I admit I am jealous of my newly expatriated friend.  I miss him but I'm happy for him it is overruled. Erik also got to meet Abe for the first time and they got along and gave each other rave reviews.  It was more than I could ask for on a weekend home.

Abe and I made up after I got upset in my last post.. I went out that night and got so drunk I puked everywhere (I've never thrown up from alcohol). Then he surprised me by showing up the next morning and we took a trip to D.C. and it was all wonderful.  It was fun and sort of romantic because it was just the two of us exploring the city and it was snowing and the christmas decorations were up.. 

So all that was fixed... I had one more week of school- exams. That was actually one of the best weeks of school ever because I actually got to hangout with people from the dance dept and I now have 4 friends I know I can count on to still talk to me when I don't dance next semester. I have a workout buddy now too! It's great because I really need to keep on top of my body because I don't want to just let myself go.

Anyways end of the semester is over and I got my grades; 3 C's; 3 B's; 2 A's.. the academic classes I didn't get any C's in so I'm relieved at that but disappointed with my new GPA.  I'm determined to get at least a 3.5 next semester... up from the current 2.6! oh mon dieu! I'm actually pretty anxious about next semester because I won't be dancing and I have some pretty hard academic classes to tackle, including biology, economics, european history, and U.S. government.  My government teacher from high school has already given his blessing on my major switch to Education and told me I better pass government with an A!  I'm actually excited to finally get a break for my body from dance even though I'm going to miss it. I'm hoping for a more relaxed semester.

Winter break started for me on December 12th but I didn't get home til the 13th.  I have been enjoying being lazy and doing nothing but also spending tons of time with Abe and my family.  My mom and I have missed each other a lot.  My brothers aren't as unbearable either. It's been a great time.  Christmas week- went to my grandmother's house and Abe was a hit; spent christmas eve at my mom's making cookies, wrapping gifts, and watching The Christmas Story; woke up at my mom's christmas morning and opened presents, went to my grandfather's house and Abe was a hit again; then came home and enjoyed a christmas dinner/party at Abe's apartment with his roommate and her friends.  So it's been very festive and possibly the best Christmas I've ever had.  There was so much love and friendship.  My older brother also was given a cat for Christmas from his girlfriend so Sally was the center of our family for a while too.