For the first time in my life

I feel torn between my parents.

edit.

I've finally forgiven my father.. seen his side of the story.. believed it to be honest and true.
I've stopped blaming my father for all our problems.
I feel like I can finally breathe.. because I let go.

YAY

I finally auditioned for VCU!

and I feel great about it!

Oh, of course, I was happy to be back in Richmond..
It's freaking gorgeous and feels 'right' all over in the sunshine.
I even knew where I was going :)

Winter in Virginia Beach

Well it snowed Saturday.. it didn't really stick around and what was left was turned into ice Sunday. Now most of school was cancelled due to the black ice that backed up traffic because of the "50 some odd" accidents.. even ones involving 20 cars. It took my mom over an hour to get to work when it usually would take her less than 5 minutes normally. Supposedly my exam which was second block was still on.. but there was no way I was going to sit in traffic just to be told we would have to retake it.. There were actually fatal accidents too. That's scary.. and rather ridiculous considering we're in Virginia Beach for goodness sake!

In Loving Memory of Mr. Eric

One of my first dance teachers passed away on January 9th of this year from lung cancer. He is the reason I am so hard working. The reason I moved on to become a better dancer. He was an inspiration as well as a respected father-like figure for me. I went to one of my very first funeral/memorial services today. Its amazing how many people love him, how many people showed up. There were people standing up in the back and hardly a spot left in the parking lot. I forgot how big a heart he had, how much sense of humour he had, how much he loved to laugh. I cried so much. I called in late to work because I had to stay, I couldn't leave, I needed the closure. I just wanted to give him a hug, to see him one last time. I am verging tears just writing this. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say how much I appreciated him. I wish I could have one last conversation with him. I remember the way his voice sounds, his little isms about him.. I remember him so vividly. I still can't believe he's gone. He was such a big part of my growing up and he instilled a love of dance in me. He had so much passion for it.

I'll miss you Mr. Eric.
You'll always be in my heart.
& I'll never forget you.

I'm also very busybusybusybee

thank god which allows me to keep my mind off certain things and stress about others..
like the massive amounts of reading I can never get done because all I want to do is sleep.
I started my training at Panera Bread this week.
I have exams next week.
Plus I just found out Thomas won't be able to audition with me for VCU again and so I'm trying to get someone else to go with me.. or else my mom will have to take off work because I'm superstitious about the whole nightmare happening all over again and I don't want to go alone..
Plus I have rehearsals up my butt, another performance next week and I'm trying to impress my teachers and choreographers and peers a lot in the next few months
because it my be the last they see of me and it's important to me to go out with a bang and a smile too.


this is me looking all grown up and spiffy..
this was taken the day all my stuff got stolen out of my car..
it's before I found out..

some pictures of last year's GSA Spring Concert I found..
Tchaikovsky's 4th symphony
we're doing this piece for Todd's Jr Company

guess which one is my butt.. haha




Me & my friend Lauren at Virginia Beach's Redwing Park



one thing I'm trying to get off my mind...
I miss this..

2008 isn't so great

Happy 100th post.

So far this year I have had my heart broken, become very broke, one of my closest friend's found out they have breast cancer, and one of my first and dearest dance teachers has died.

Is Mitt Romney our next hero?

I was watching CNN this morning while they were talking bout the New Hampshire Caucus, when they showed Mick Romney and immediately the similarities popped into my head. He looks like the 'hero' who played the Pres on NBC's hit show Heroes.

(Romney)

vs.

Hello

My manager at JC Penney's/Lifetouch doesn't want me to quit. I am starting lots of rehearsals for Todd's Junior Company again. I have tech rehearsal all next week for the GSA Winter Concert next weekend. Plus I have to write a paper for english. I start work at Panera Bread after that on the 14th and I still have to get my uniform. I have my exams on the 22nd & 24th then my VCU audition the 25th and the Jr Co show on the 26th.

January is going to be a very busy month and Bret is being complicated. Its harder to be friends with a guy after being more than friends.

As the night went on

I would find myself trying hard to laugh and enjoy myself even though the booze was doing it anyways. I caught myself staring at him, wanting to embrace him and give him a really great kiss in front of all his friends. I wanted to take him outside and talk to him about it all. talk about it so I wouldn't feel so ignored. Instead I just sat there fighting blame against reason in my head trying to make out some sort of thought that would ease my mind so I could let my heart heal. I'm left here in shock and hurt again for the second time in month. I always think "this one's different" and that maybe i'll actually get to date guy who I think is really amazing.. but it never happens with those guys. I told him almost everything bout myself and he acts as if we just made out few times and it was nothing special at all. And people wonder why it is so hard for me to trust people...









He locked the door and dragged me around on the bumper.

Now I'm standing outside the window in the freezing cold begging him with my eyes to let me in.