I am idle too..

I am at a point in my life where I know what I want inthe future and am having a hard time living in the now. I know what I want but i can't get it.. yet. It's rather frustrating to know what you'll be doing a year from now but everything happening till then you want to just skip ove because you know it's not going to be fun at all. I feel so depressed whenever I am home. my mom being a key factor in that.. She mentioned me finding an apartment to stay in Norfolk while I go to massage school and continue dance at Todd's after I graduate because it will save so much money on gas.. I think moving out will be a good thing. I love my room but I need to be on my own and be away from her negative vibe. It's encroaching on my happiness.. which lately has diminished. I can be ina good mood but at the end of the day I am discontent with the way things are turning out. I used to be so good at life. I used to be the rising star in dance class and I used to have the best grades and the brightest future of many opportunities in front of me.. now I am indecisive and unlucky and lost in life. I may have found a career to pursue but it's definitely not what I always dreamed of becoming when asked as a little girl "What do you want to be when you grow up?" initially my thoughts were to be a singer like Britney Spears pre-adulthood and then a Prima Ballerina... and slowly I came to find out I didn't really know what I wanted to be because clearly there was nothing staring me in my face. I didn't know what I was good at or had the easiest way to work into a certain aspect of work.

I am so busy these days and I barely talk to friends let alone see them. It's funny how some people can change over the course of the summer and I find myself missing so many people at this very moment. It makes my heart swell and almost burst to think of all the people who affected me but I never affected them enough for them to stick around or even try to stay in touch.. There are a few that I knew this very brief summer and I am saddened more by their absence than of the people I have been friends with for years. I feel very disconnected from everyone this year.. I don't know any of the new people nor do I really care to get to know most of them, partly because they don;t really appeal to me as friends nor will it be worth my time seeing as I will be gone next year. But then there are all the people in my classes who i've known for years but never really became friends with that sort of just act polite and so really it would be weird to all the sudden become best buds.. because they already have theirs by now. it seems that friends come a convenience to me. I spend a lot of time with myself and doing things I need to prefer to do in a day and if friend time happens to slide itself in someway i will allow it. but I've been wanting to meet new guys but really how can I if I am always going to the same places and none of them with age appealing or character appealing guys? I am a hopeless romantic no doubt about it. I know I am young and I will be searching for love my entire life but I feel it is quite impossible for me to ever get a date anymore. I may appeal to some but they never seem to want to go further than that.. But I do miss the company of others.. valuable real fun times are what I am missing in my life.. adventure and love and companionship..