In the middle of the celebrations I breakdown

Nostalgia.

It occurs frequently in my life.

Especially with past lovers and my younger childhood when mommy and daddy laughed in the kitchen and the music was turned up loud and we'd all run around the house.

My relationship with my father is not what I ever expected it to be. I hate and love him all at the same time. I'll hear a song that he used to blast throughout my house or listen to on the radio or sing or play along with his flute... I'll start remembering once upon a time when I would curl up with him on the couch and fall asleep watching a movie. Those really were the good ole days when all I really had was family. It was enough to get me by. I didn't care how many friends I had or if that one boy liked me back or what I'll do with my life after I graduate.. Life was simple and I was completely happy. The olny reason I'd cry was if my mommy wasn't home and I missed her or if I had fallen off my bike or gotten sick.

Now my father lives in Florida with his girlfriend so he can take care of his elderly mother. He's never been normal. He doesn't think the way everyone else does about the government. He has screwed us financially. He is a hypocrite among other things.. My mother is always telling me how he loves me and really does have good intentions. But he can be a drunk and yell at you (sober) when he has no idea what is going on. He doesn't know the hell he put us through. He once blamed me for my parents split. You can't blame false love on a child. I still remember the nights I spent crying myself to sleep while they yelled at each other til they were sick of it. I remember how my brothers changed.. they weren't always as agressive as they are now. It breaks my heart to think of how things turned out.

I always wonder if things will ever be as good as we want them. If my family will have absolute love for each other. If we will be as loving as the Osbournes are to each other. If my mother will be happy again. If I will ever be able to stay in the same room as my father without secretly wanting to yell at him to change and be a normal human being and stop blaming it all on us.