One Month

I'm almost eighteen years old. I have had doubts recently about my future. I want to dance, I know that. But what will I do with my life. I'd like to take it one day at a time but the realist in me is nagging to find the answer. I've been struggling with confidence lately too. I admire my fellow peers and their amazing writing capabilities and lately have been coming down harshly upon my own abilities. I fear this is a result of my AP English Lit class which is kicking my ass. I know that I chose to take harder classes to get better because I need a little push. I better get used to this too, since next year I'll be the smallest fish in the pond; once again a freshman. I'm shocked with my VCU Dance acceptance. I felt the same way when I got accepted into GSA. I was honoured and crying and smiling in disbelief. I'm in love with Richmond and I can't wait to move on to the next big adventure in my life. Of course, my confidence has recently been brought down, too, with relationships or the lack there of. I know it is stupid to be looking for love at such a young age but I do miss having that companionship and I am not throwing away my emotions for just anybody. I am more sensible than most girls I know about dating; I don't let just anyone into my heart. It has been a year since my last relationship and while I have dated around with a handful of possibilities, none of them have been smart enough to keep me. My last relationship was definitely the best but I see dating as a lesson in learning more about myself. It does make it hard to be optimistic when it makes me feel like there's something wrong, something I need to fix to get them to like me. For the most part, I like who i am, but naturally I hate my looks in some way or another. But I see my friends struggling with eating disorders and it scares me into really thinking about how much I love my body because I never want to have to suffer to the point of a disorder. I really wish body image wasn't so important to people these days. I hope if I ever have a daughter that it is not worse for her than it has been for the girls of my generation. If it is, then I will try with all my heart to shield her from it. I find my self more and more everyday planning out my future life. How I want my own library in my house, that is if I ever get to reading all those books! I can't wait to live on my own and yet I am so scared. I get to visit one of my favorite persons in the whole world next month. Its strange that I haven't seen Erik in two months. I can't just drive my his house anymore. Its amazing how strongly that feels when it's taken away from you. I can't wait to see him! Only one month away!

oh p.s. new hair.. growing it out though for real this time.