Memory Lane + photos.

My mom is making a costume for work. She is a dental hygienist but she works for a company that is one of the biggest and richest in the Seven Cities. So they ask them to dress up on Halloween. This year it's States themed and she was left with Idaho. So she has a sack of potatoes with daises intertwined and she wanted to use one of my tiaras.

So I had to go searching through all my costumes that I have not touched in almost 4 or 5 years. I ended up pulling out the two big boxes I had managed to stuff into my closet when we moved in on my birthday 3 years ago. One full of random toys and such and another full of dance bags, competition jackets, recital and competition costumes, shoes-- you name it.

I found the tiara but continued to search through all my costumes. I found myself laughing at some of the most ridiculous things known to have come from a sewing machine. But I also found myself smiling remembering all those years and all the friends I made and how happy I had been. I found myself wishing I could turn back time to those days of happiness. I even came across my very first costumes and I almost cried because it made me remember how much I love to dance.

Sometimes when it gets rough like this and I wish I wasn't so busy or I wish I had a different body or I'm stressing out over college-- it's nice to have that refreshing memory of true love and passion to remind me why I'm doing it in the first place.

I also came across my old stationary box filled with letters from one of my first "best friends" who continued to write to me even after I moved away. I only stopped being her friend and writing when I had the last straw of all her pushing her religion on me. Also I had to move on, I mean I was growing up. I guess that's when I stopped believing in "best friends", in the same way we stop thinking fairy tales are real.

Oh and i found this "time capsule" thing that I did in elementary school. I of course opened a year later after I finished it. It was originally wrapped in saran wrap. But it's funny because that was like in the 1990s so to kids back then the 2000 years were supposed to be really futuristic and much like Zenon the Disney movie. So We put things inteh time capsule that we thought would represent us at that time. I even had an assignment to write a little booklet and newsletter. In the newsletter I write about how there will be pens that can record your words as you say or write them and you will be able to turn on motorcycles automatically without a key, and we have things very similar to this now. I dated the newsletter the year of 2005 and it's now 2007 so it was really cool to see that.

Anyways here are the photos:

My first tap and ballet costumes ever.
They're so tiny!

A letter from a girl I used to dance with.
She described her new Georgia high school to be so big
that she could fit my entire high school in her new school's courtyard.

I was a very private person as a kid.

Me, my brothers and my dad in Connecticutt one summer.
You can see that I was taller than both of them.
Fancy stationary.
My "best friend" Lauri and me taken by a very bad camera..
Possibly my first ever "myspace"-like photo shot.
You can really tell how mess up my teeth used to be.
A letter from Lauri.
My Lisa Frank stationary box.

My newsletter I found in the "time capsule".
HISTORY AS WE KNOW IT!
The booklet I found in the "time capsule".
I found this in the "time capsule".
It's my brothers and I playing with the swing my dad made
while my dad watches in the background.
The entire contents of the "time capsule".
Yes that is a furby and mini watercolor paint set,
I watercolored a lot as a kid and I was very obsessed with Tweety.

The "time capsule".
I liked to paint as a kid.

Here's some pictures of me and Erik in Norfolk and a picture from my walk during Guluwalk:

Freemason Street.
My new Norfolk dream choice of residence.

Me and my Aughie<3

The river view on the Guluwalk.
It was a beautiful day for changing the world.

I hate my age.

I just hung out with Jeffrey. FINALLY!
But he feels bad and I hate that he feels bad.
He thinks it was a mistake.
Only because I'm technically underage.

I hate not being 18 !!!!!!!!!!

4 AM text messages

from Jeffrey.

He is obviously worried about getting involved with me because I'm under 18. I clearly saw that from his messages.

It's amazing how much 5 months is ruining my love life and hurting my chances of getting a job.

mm friday..

Today my partner for my senior choreography piece didn't show up. I had to finish the dance all by myself. I'm so exhausted and my feet hurt more than ever. Deborah wouldn't give me my partner's phone number because she knew I would leave her a nasty message. I'm really frustrated with my partner right now.

I also found out that Thomas can't go to the VCU audition because Todd just informed him of a show that night. It's at 5pm and so we wouldn't even make it back in time. I'm really upset. I don't want to go by myself. I hope my friend Lauren will go, maybe. But this means I won't get to party or road trip with Thomas. This was the only thing I was even a little excited about and now I got nothing.

Today was just not a good day. To top it off, I've realized how sad my social life has become.

I think I'm depressed.

I was reading an article in a magazine and apparently I have all the symptoms of being depressed and being suicidal.. which I am. I have attempted suicide sort of before. I think about it often. I cry a lot. There were some other symptoms but I can't remember.

But god I really do hate money! it is the root of all the evil in my life. I hate my body too. I'll never be content with my body and I feel like everyone else won't either. I feel I am constantly criticized for my body and being overlooked because of it. I wish I could just feel beautiful being myself.

And time. Why is it moving so slow? I hate my life right now. I hate where everything is. I feel like I am stuck and I can't move. Then again I don't have a clue as to where I would be going anyhow. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I feel like I'm too average to ever be somebody. I'm a nobody. While all my peers are off at college I'll be stuck here because that's the way it always has been. I'll always be the sorry little girl with no friends and no money and no love.