Hard Things:

keeping friends.. or keeping up with them.

College.

Dating your brother's friends.

Getting a job.

Finding time to relax.

Make your parents happy.




I just want to sip tea, wear scarves and read for the rest of my life.. I can go back to the olden days please?

As tro lo gy

Hm so first it was the Aquarius and Libras now its Leos... I need a Virgo I think..
this weekend has been so chill except for the little factor of being reminded of the fine line between enemies and friends.....

I keep my friends close but I keep my enemies closer.

I watched V For Vendetta and I noticed that British people pronounce every syllable in a word. So if you're every trying to imitate one, try that.

I hope

that one day I won't need someone to label me their best friend
so I know that they care about me
or that I mean something to them
or as much to them as they mean to me..



I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls for the first time in a long time.. It was the episode where Rory decides to leave college and her mom doesn't understand why she needs to take a break.. etc etc. I really wanted to post their conversation on some video like from YouTube but I couldn't find one.. It reminded me a lot about how I see a conversation between my mom and I going if I go to college.. It was kind of scary. It's so weird to now realize that I can relate to many tv shows, movies, and songs.. their messages and conversations seem so real.. That's scary.

You know what I realized too?
My mom is my hero yet my greatest fear is to become her.

Can I please start over?

I don't know how to make my mom happy anymore.
I have no one to talk to anymore, all my friends won't talk to me anymore..
I mean really talk about shit not just "how are you?" "fine, you?" "i'm good." *walk away*
I'm stuck for another 6 months and even then I am unsure of what to do.
Should I really continue with dance and go to college?
What will I do after I graduate college?
What next after that?
What if I am still not good enough to make it?
I accept failure and go to massage school?
Wasting more and more money because I would have just spent money on college
and then I'll spend more on massage school?
The cycle in my head never ends
and people are making me feel claustrophobic
and I just want solace, peace of mind.
And my heart is breaking with every thought of you.
Why do I have to care so much about people when I knwo they will only hurt me?

The past is the past.

I've decided to leave all my ex-lovers in the past. I'm going to start afresh. I made the mistake of going over to Ryan's house last night after I got upset by Ashton. I felt so bad because I totally used him. I apologized and started my new mantra of a fresh new start, in my love life..

I got my senior pictures in the mail. I like them from far away. Tomorrow we pick the song for our senior choreography pieces. I'm scared and excited at the same time.. is that anxious? I'm not too sure. I am slowly giving up on my academics. I feel like I am closer to my fellow seniors than ever and especially at GSA. I've also been asked by Todd to be on his Junior Company again. He posted to "audition results" at the studio today. I'm surprised to see 16 names and some whom I thought would not be returning, or shouldn't, this time around. Oh well, I get to perform more and I'm pleased and flattered Todd wanted me.

I've got to printout these college applications and do these practice college essays for english class.. I feel so grown up. I just hope I can stay sane for more than a week. Annabel's new piece of advice for me is "to accept things for the way they are". Well put my Asian friend.