I save lives?

Lifeguarding is definitely not as easy as it seems.
I failed all my CPR tests and had to retake them.
I was the last person.
I don't know why I did so bad.. maybe it was nerves and the sun.
I was definitely being stressed to the point of quitting.. sad but I don't want to be put in charge of someone's life if I don't believe I can do it, ya know?
So yeah I'm definitely liking how challenging this job is going to be but I'm a little worried.
I know I'm going to be around lots of attatractive guys.. I feel like I'm the only person who has no love life right now..
I haven't been with anyone or even gotten close to anyone at all since Ryan..
I feel so off my game in every aspect of my life..
I found out I am on the wrong assignment for AP English from friends in my training class.
I have only been to dance once a week since school got out and I haven't worked out at all.
I got $105 from Spectrum Puppets but lost $10 already because I didn't check my change at Starbucks this morning.
I'm going to have to miss the upcomign family events most likely.
I don't have the money to get my mom a great birthday present like I wanted to.
And of course I'm lame in the socializing department.
And my friends are all at war so tension is buliding along with stress.

Die young and save yoruself.

I have never seen this band live but this video just reminds me of the old days and how much I love their music. I've also become more obsessed with Mae today. hah

I love music. That's a big part of why I never want to give up dancing too. I love it way too much. It's the only way I can feel apart of it for a few minutes of my life. Hmm.. emotional.

I got to see Bailey and it was like we'd been apart for a year. But we've been spending so much time together and it's so chill. We can just sit around her house eating, talking, watching movies,.. for hours and we're just happy to be with each other.. Hm this sounds rather homosexual. haha I love her in the best way a friend could!

I am stressed about money and jobs right now.. I could really use a good distraction.
There is no way I am going back to my ex.. last time I tried to hangout with him he drunk texted and called me.. then threw up while I was still on the phone with him.. fun.. NOT.

Ok so that Bayou Bugaloo thing I did for Spectrum Puppets.. we all who did it agree- NEVER AGAIN. It was hot and we had no definite choreography. We were asked to make something up.. but that kind of got messed up since the bandplayed two songs nto one and the crowd was not that great. We became very tired of it fast. Especially when we had an hour between each "performance" where we had to try and do something to pass time. Since it was hot and we got tired and had to walk slow because it was a "mock funeral", some New Orleans tradition, our hands started to hurt from carrying the coffin with those useless handles that dug into your bones and slipped from the sweat.. Ugh yes and thos elong black skirt we had to wear.. Seriously that check better come in the mail and it better be a nice sum with compensation for our time and sweat.

Oh and my car license plates came in today! I'm so excited. I got vanity plates. They say BONHEUR. It's an inside joke from french class.. we were reading a story in complete french and our teacher wanted us to understand that the class before ours thought it was a naughty term to mean boner. In the story the guy's wife dies and it says he loses his happiness.. and so my teacher kept on saying it til it really did sound like boner.. It really means happiness so it kind of fits. But I am worried that my car will break down faster than I can enjoy it.

So no one reads this who cares

I am never going to have that "best friend" thing everyone has going on..
It's all a big joke anyways..
Everyone talks about everyone behind their backs..
It's natural to get sick of people..
I'm just sick of how I treat people nicely and generously and they never acknowledge it.
I'm tired of considering people as my close friends just to be stepped on all over again.
Really it's the story of my life.

Hmm. Everyone has their loves.. I hope I find a summer love.
I wish I could see certain people.. but we all wish..

Wow.

Today was the first day this summer where all I did was sit at home ALL DAY LONG.
Seriously, what is wrong??

I couldn't get to sleep last night.. possibly because I woke up crying from a bad dream that morning about a guy I know.. It seemed so real.. In the dream he died of cancer. I've been trying to see this guy. He already had to ditch me once and now seems it's just not working out. I was suprised that I woke up crying as if it was real. It felt so real. Dreams like that are scary. It's fun to try and analyze dreams though. Although I don't always remember mine.

But really.. I've been doing so good about getting out of the house and doing things, with friends mostly too. All of the sudden people are busy or I can't do what I wanted to because of limits such as money, weather, gas, or simply lost at an idea of what to do.. It's been a good week or so of summer so far.. as much as it's felt like a lifetime.. Now I'm in limbo it feels like.. I don't have any plans till this weekend.. and I won't get to see Bailey ASAP after she's done with her family obligations, drat just thought of that.

Yep this weekend I'm working for the Spectrum Puppets at Town Point Park for the Bayou Bugaloo Festival with Thomas, Annabel, and Ali. Then next weekend I'm doing my lifeguard training for Ocean Breeze then I'll finally start working.. so I won't have much money yet.. I have car insurance and gas to pay and my lifeguard training is over $100 plus the uniform.. and I have shows for friends to attend, if I get the money.. Hmm I really hate that money controls us. I try not to let it "control" me but sometimes I feel it does.

Couper les cheveux ou non?

Last summer I cut my hair short again. It was basically a bob. It was easy to maintain. Trés mignonne. I loved running my hands through it. Cutting my hair short has been my new favorite pasttime.

Now it's the next summer. I've only cut my hair once this year.. I think it was around Thanksgiving or so. I used to get it cut every 3 months and know exactly when I last cut it. Now I have no idea.. This Friday I am scheduled for my Senior pictures. I'm very excited. I'm finally a senior.. 12 years in the making! I want to present myself just so. I'm still debating whether I should go or wait a month and get it cut really cool. I have less than 3 days to decide and I still don't know.

Also, if I do decide to go ahead with it, how should I do my hair? Should I shower and sleep on it so it's a natural wave/curl-like texture? Or should I wash it and blow dry it right before I go? Should I straighten it? I need a second opinion.. Actually a nice large poll would be sufficient..

Hmm. This blog makes a nice place to use for my thought processes.

Happy Summer 2007

SO! I finished my Junior year on Tuesday. I'm so glad to finally be a senior. It's such a surreal feeling though. I've already stayed out late and partied with my good friend Bailey and some really nice and cute guy friends the past couple days.. They're all graduating so everyone's in such a good mood.
I'm glad I have gotten closer to Bailey.. even if it causes a rift between any of my other "friends". It has been a long time since I have had a friend this close. We all go through these phases of hanging out with one person for an amount of time. That doesn't mean you completely change what you think about the ones you used to spend your time with. It just means your are experiencing the company of others and learning from them and giving to them as you both embark a new adventure.
Although it is only Friday June 15th, 2007 and technically school just ended yesterday and people are still going through their graduations and parties.. it feels as if a month has already passed. Governor's School ended a week ago and with strong barrels of feelings along with it. I miss the everyday scene of people and things and places and activities. I haven't danced in over a week.
I finally have a car though and I can start planning to take class again. I was very excited to just find a car so we bought it on a whim. We felt it was right and we were exhilarated reflecting moments afterwards.. but now after driving it and experiencing it more firsthand and one-to-one by myself.. I am having my worries and doubts and "what if"s.. I had found two other ads with cars i would have rather been more comfortable in driving and using fo ra long period of time.. My mom says "Everything happens for a reason" and I hope she is right. I hope that this car lasts and grows on me in a good way. I don't hate it. I am extremely grateful to have a car, at last. I am just worried, as I am about everything..
Another worry of mine lately has been this weekend. My brother finally knows for sure that he is graduating. Tomorrow he will walk among his peers to switch his tassle to the other side and end one journey. My father and his girlfriend are coming up.. I have had a basket of feelings on my back ever since he left and they have grown heavier with hatred and indifference since. I will have to put on my fake face and be Little Miss Polite for all my family to see and please my mother. I am in no mood to entertain guests especially when I want to just get away because I know my father will be in close range and I have no desire in my entire body to even look at him yet converse with him.
I hate being fake. I wish I could just be myself and let myself feel like it's okay to be myself. I have love for my family and I try m hardest ot accept everyone for who they are and want to be. I don't alwasy feel I am recieved in the same manner.
I know I have said it before, but I shall say it again: I could care less if I see or talk to my father ever again. I believe it's sad I feel this way. However, that's how I feel and I think it would be better if I didn't. He's not a comfort or a place of love or a mentor or a friend. He's the guy who always causes unneccessary drama and hurt and ruins our financial happiness. My one wish, if I was ever given one, would for my mother to have chosen a better man to have married and had kids with.. I somewhat believe that if she did, I would probably not exist but I feel I would rather he gone through a happy marriage and had a happy life than to have suffered suhc unhappiness it has brought her.

Well I hope tomorrow is bearable at least.

P.S. I'm reading a great book on the Vietnam War called The Things They Carried for AP English.

Governor's School for the Arts

The graduation was something I had never experienced. I watched my fellow dancers and other various freinds walk in wearing their gowns and immediately become sentimental. I knew this would happen. I laughed at every speech and agreed in practically every word they said. I gave standing ovations after every performance. They are truly talented people. I started to tear up during the dance performance especially after Beau's speech. I thought "Wow I'm never going to dance with these people again. I will never have those rehearsals and classes back where we laughed so hard. That day where we all sat on top of the garage and watched the sun set over Norfolk. Those horrible Pat Sorrell classes haha" Oh gosh I'm crying now. The people graduating at the ones I've looked up to, for most of my three years at GSA. I've never met anyone like them. Next year I will be leaving. I'm so scared now. I know for a fact that I will be extremely sad to leave this place and all my friends. I'm going to cherish next year with them. I think we are all realizing that time is soon running out.

This has been the best GSA year so far. My award was "Back in the Game". It was my first nice award. I felt the seniors truely believed in me this year. It made me feel so good. They are such wonderful people. Next year won't be the same without Beau, Laura, Kate, Courtney, Trae, Hilary, Megan, Shelby, Kyleena and Ginny in the studio.

Alluminating the 'No's on their vacancy signs

So those fake friends I was talking about.. the ones I lost unpurposely in the process of changing..
YEAH they want me back i guess.. and I'm not sure how to react.
My mom said to just don't make the effort and if they do then be polite.. So I am.
But I really just don't think I can trust them. Somehow I'm okay with that since I'm used to not trusting people.
It's bittersweet subject because they were my close friends for so long.. probably the longest yet.
It's just sad knowing I can't trust them anymore.

School is almost over. I'm going to GSA graduation friday, the last day, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get emotional. Then 2 days of exams next week and it's summer time for real.

I applied at Journey's, Papaya, Up Against the Wall and Starbucks at the Lynnhaven Mall.. The Starbucks and Papaya are really hiring.. I don't think the other 2 places will call or anything.. it's worth a shot. I need to keep applying places every weekend til i get a job because I have the worst luck with jobs. I'm still waiting to hear about that car.. I wish it would hurry up. I'm so over waiting. I thought I'd have a car by now. But here I am snotty teenager.. haha

I am actually content right now with my life. I guess I've finally accepted some things.
I'm definitely afraid and anxious for a lot of things though. It's normal.

Old love dies hard

I was afraid to go since earlier this week you had seemed full of disinterest. I have not let go. I've repeatedly tried to get you back again and again. I saw you there. You acted like me; afraid to say anything for fear that we didn't care for you to. But I made the first move, I hate that, and said hello. You grabbed my hand. I wish I had pulled it back. I'm pretty sure you could care less. In two weeks California will be calling your name. You will be returning home. I'm still attracted to you. I still barely know you yet I do. I feel crazy when I think about you. All the things I wish I did and didn't do come racing forth and my mind runs a marathon till reality hits it head on. I guess now is also a time for letting go of the past. I think I'm doing well don't you think?