Que Sera Sera

The Holidays

2009-11-22T12:44:00.003-05:00

I can't believe next week is Thanksgiving. I'll be making pumpkin pie and squash casserole. Going to the Uncle's house with all the family and having a great time feasting..

All sounds good, right? It does. It also doesn't.

Abe came with me during the holidays last year. I stayed with him when I came home from school and we went together to my G-G's house. I can feel his absence even more now. I thought cutting out all contact with him would help me get past this. It just really hurts when you love someone and care about them and they change their mind. Someone came in with his sweatshirt on at work yesterday and everything about that sweatshirt from where he bought it to helping him pick it out.. all came back. how warm it is and how much he loved it.. I sound obsessive but i mean when you love someone these are the little things you remember..

Don't let it go away. this feeling has got to stay.

2009-11-19T23:43:00.003-05:00

Greer "friended" me on Facebook. I was wary. I messaged her to make sure it wasn't a joke. then proceeded to approve. But now I am even more suspicious about her motives. I don't trust her. I'll just have to see what happens in the future. I do miss her and wish she had been there for me when I needed her the most these past few months..

So I've been listening to No Doubt's greatest hits CD in my car since.. maybe its a subconscious nostalgic move? We did go to the No Doubt concert back in May.

The storm has passed.

2009-11-15T22:39:00.003-05:00

yay it was sunny and 70 today. perfect weather. it will be cold again soon i know it..

So work just sucks so much lately. I have an interview for an insurance sales position and i really hope i like it because i am so over Panera and I just want a new job. one that makes enough money and that gives me a steady schedule and good benefits. I want to be able to support myself as much as i can. wish me luck*

plus so i mentioned how I cut off all contact with Abe.. well now my ex-best friend wants to be my friend again. i granted the request BUT i still am very wary. I don't trust her. I would like to be proven wrong. we'll see where things go from here but i'm very shocked by her even trying to be my friend. one of our mutual friends said it would happen and i thought FAT CHANCE. part of me thinks this is all a bad idea. that i should of kept the severed contact.

but hey, my new motto is to go with the flow and let life happen to me.. so here we go.

Nor'easter

2009-11-12T15:56:00.003-05:00

these are the pies I baked the first time. I've baked two more and pumpkin bread/muffins since.
This storm is the reason I have a day off but it sucks because I can't go anywhere. I can't go to the gym. I can't go shopping. I can't go hangout with friends. I can't leave my freakin neighborhood because it's flooded!

I did some homework.. now i want to not do homework. I guess I will eat, read, and watch tv or movies.. unless i can find something better to do stuck at home. I hope it clears up so I can go hangout later tonight maybe?

The end

2009-11-11T10:38:00.003-05:00

So I cut off all contact from Abe sunday night. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to do it. I can't go on having him text me and say things to me getting my hopes up. I will never recover from this or move on unless I do this. No online contact and no phone contact. I was sad afterwards but what can I do? nothing. As much as I thought it was meant to be.. maybe everyone is right; there's someone else for me out there who will treat me as good and better.

I need to get back into the swing of my old routine. Working out in the morning instead of sleeping in. Getting school work done right away instead of putting it off. Eating well instead of eating too much and badly. I want a day off. I can't wait to move next month. I can't wait to go to California in January. EEE!!!!

I love autumn

2009-11-03T14:06:00.003-05:00

my new glasses :) the first pair in 4-5 years haha!

making pumpkin pie as I type. this was my preparation from yesterday.my gorgeous kitty. she's now 8 months old.

So I'm watching Gilmore Girls..

2009-10-28T18:25:00.005-04:00

and Lorelai loves snow and was talking about the magic of snow.. it got me thinking of my last experience with snow. It snowed so much in Richmond that VCU actually closed school because our dorms were without power. It was the end of February and Abe had just broken up with me. This guy I knew through a friend and who was in one of my classes was pretty cool and we ran into each other and ended up hanging out. We found up we had a lot in common, especially music. We got coffee and dinner and ended up having a full on snowball fight in the middle of the street. (There was nothing else to do!) It felt so surreal to me. I wasn't used to the snow. I was feeling mentally affected by a horrible breakup and this cute guy was making me laugh by throwing snowballs at me. I regret some things I did that weekend but part of me will always have that great moment of surreal happiness. A glimpse of something else. It's probably one memory that I'll always like thinking about.

Stoked

2009-10-26T16:07:00.003-04:00

Found a place to move to in Norfolk. Going to check it out after my mom gets off work and I'm done with my chiropractor appointment. I'm trying to study but it's really hard. I can't wait to move out! I really need my job to get better; more hours!! I think I'll be transferring to a different store in a couple weeks so *fingers crossed*!

I like pickles with my sangwiches man

2009-10-21T17:26:00.002-04:00

So this guy I had a crush on for a long time in high school is talking to me again. It;s funny he's completely different. You know, all grown up and has a plan for his career etc. Then I heard about someone I knew from middle school who got married and another who just had a baby.. Im not used to this stuff.

I still hate that my recent relationship got cut short. I still like him. I enjoy his company. We're gonna stay friends but still.. I like romantic company. then again who doesn't?

I recently downloaded Paramore's new CD. i know downloading is bad blahblah. I only buy the CD s of my favorite favorite bands or local bands. But Paramore's new CD gives the same vibe Kelly Clarkson's new CD did- same sort of love-regret-life philosophical theme in the lyrics. Also they have a song that is titled almost exactly the same "All I Wanted" (P) vs "All I Ever Wanted"(KC). Eh I dunno I just found it a strange coincidence.

So I'm single again.

2009-10-18T22:13:00.002-04:00

Cory & I just ended things. He got grounded and i think its BS. He lied about having money in his account when he bounced a check. He works 2 jobs and goes to school part time. I think his parents need to give him a break. I know they think its teaching him a lesson or something but it just ruined his love life. He won't stand up to them and basically thats why we ended things. I can't date someone who is still living in "middle school".

Because its just fucking ridiculous.

Whatever- I don't really need a boyfriend anyways. I can't commit emotional right now anyways.

This whole situation reminded me why I stopped dating guys my age a long time ago...

i still love you. why couldn't we just work things out?

2009-10-18T01:01:00.000-04:00

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Works sucks, I know.

2009-10-16T23:40:00.002-04:00

Tonight my boyfriend and I were written up for sexual harassment. Apparently, as two people reported to my manager, we were seen making out in the back of the store. This is a lie. The closest thing to making out that happened is he kissed me on the cheek.

I am beyond pissed. I am having so many issues with work- mainly getting enough hours and having my schedule back to normal. I am now dealing with co-workers trying to get me fired.

Tomorrow I am going to my GM and telling him that if I don't get my schedule back (working mornings not nights) then I want to transfer somewhere else. I cannot work at night all the time because I can't babysit anymore; I am working with people who are making up lies and trying to get me fired; and its physically exhausting. I have already tried calling the DM to talk to him about these issues plus the fact that I have been trying to get cross-trained for 2 months and I keep getting the run around and also because I can't trust the management at the store.

I really hope this BS gets resolved ASAP or else I'm quitting.

Questions.

2009-10-16T15:32:00.002-04:00

I'm still working on being more patient with people. Especially ones I'm dating.

Is it okay to be dating someone to get over someone else? Does it make sense to date someone if you don't have strong feelings towards them? I feel weird dating after being in love. I wonder how many other people have gone through this same situation before.

My new favorite technological item is Skype. I have friends in distant places and this helps me deal with the distance. I wonder if I had used Skype with my ex-bf, would we have had a better relationship?

Overwhelmed

2009-10-15T16:55:00.002-04:00

I feel overwhelmed a lot lately. I don't know if it's from being depressed or just having so much on my plate. I still feel very alone. I know Cory cares about me but I really don't know if being in a relationship is a good idea for me right now. I don't know how fair it is to him.

To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for disappointment again. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with everything a relationship entails and the possibility of being hurt again. I don't know if I have the time or mental capacity for a relationship right now either. I know you're probably thinking "then why are you in one?" but it feels good to know that some one is there for me. I have at least one person I can count on to be there for me. It's all I have and why should I push someone like that away from me, especially when I need it most?

All these things keep rushing..

2009-10-15T10:17:00.007-04:00

Lately when I get bored and my hands are idle I start folding small pieces of paper into paper airplanes. I thought about why I do this the other day and came to the conclusion that its a subconscious of my inner child. I used to make paper airplanes as a kid with my dad and brothers. We would spend hours every day folding paper like origami and one day we just decided to try to make the best airplane. I don't know how to make a very good one. i just keep making the same one every one else was taught to make when we were in school.

So I want to get back into photography. I used to love it so much. I remember wanting a SLR Nikon back in 9th grade and it cost $1000 but now it costs about $500 so I'm thinking of getting one. Although I don't have that much money to spend because I'm saving my money for moving out. I used to take pictures of everything all the time; my surroundings, my friends, my family, the sky, myself. Ever since my life was turned upside down in July I haven't been myself. I have barely touched my camera. I just started using it again and while taking art history in school, I'm really starting to fall in love with it again. I am so in love with the world around me. I'm as curious as a cat. I am fascinated by compositions and colors. Cory has offered to set me up with a photographer he knows so that maybe he can teach me some things about photographing professionally. But I don't really know if that is going to happen.

I would love to do photography professionally but we all know that "art is hard" and you don't make much money from it. Thats why I'm doing Accounting because I want to be able to support myself and my mom one day. I would love to not have to worry about money so much in my future. If I did photography as a hobby it would never become a "job" or a "chore" or something I have to work hard at to make my living. i can hate my job as much as I want as long as I don't end up hating something i love.. kinda why I left dance as a career choice. I do miss dancing too. But you can't have everything in life. I'm learning that recently- I've grown up quite a lot in the past year. I can't believe 2009 is almost over too. I feel like I blinked and it flew by.. Is that how time feels when you get older? Does it just fly by within a blink of an

eye? I want to enjoy my life. Thats why I've learned from my recent past experiences not to rush things.. I'm enjoying every moment and letting things come & go as they should.

A new life.

2009-10-14T17:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog, Its been a long time.

Abe has since dumped me. Greer and I are no longer friends. I am living at home at my mom's. I'm going to ODU. I'm working at Panera Bread. I'm dating a guy I met at work. I'm dealing with everything one day at a time.

I recently have fallen in love with art all over again. I'm happy to be back in school. I am struggling a bit with my grades but I'm sure that comes with being unfocused because of a traumatic breakup. I'm still getting over Abe. My new beau has been very very very supportive and he is everything I could ask for in a friend- thank goodness because I don't have very many friends to go to right now (that are here locally). I booked my flight to California to see Kelly- the only good friend I made at VCU. I'll be flying for the first time ever! I am going in January 4-9th right before winter break ends.

Thats it for now. I gotta finish some homework before I visit Cory (the new beau) at work then off to philosophy class tonight.

Don't carry the world up on your shoulders

2009-03-30T14:30:00.002-04:00

So monday before last, I asked Abe to work things out with me. He did. Last monday we were officially back together. My birthday was okay. I've been receiving gifts, cards, and money for 2 weeks now. It's fun when your birthday is dragged out :)

I'm feeling like my life is going towards a normalcy again. I'm moving back home. This is going to be a good move. Literally. I will get my independence back, which I lost somewhere along the way of college and a long distance relationship. I'll be having a short distance relationship again, can't wait! I'll be driving and working again. I'll still be going to school but it will be much cheaper since I'll be living at home. I'm applying to transfer to Old Dominion University right now. Paper work is something I really don't enjoy. I have one month left at VCU in Richmond. I'll be moving out May 2 and I have my last exam on May 6 then I'm free.

I have to say it's been quite a journey to get to where I want to be. I have almost been alive for 2 decades. If you think about it, you spend the first 2 decades of your life trying to figure out who you are and what the hell you want to do with your life. Interesting.

"The most important relationship you have is with yourself" -DVF

2009-03-19T16:25:00.003-04:00

I can't believe my birthday is saturday. iI can't believe it's already here. It seems like yesterday I was going to rehearsal for hours and then partying with my buddies from school and GSA at my old house for my 18th birthday.. Then getting my tattoo and meeting Abe for the first time..

It's funny how much changes in a year. I've changed my major. Rethought my life many times.. I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months. Where I'll live, if I'll be in school, if I'll be single still..

I've grown so much in the past year. I appreciate so much more now. I've lived and learned. I'm almost done with my first year of college. It's so hard to believe I've come this far in my life. I am excited for what is to come yet scared about the things I might lose along the way..

I'm glad that I'm still strongly opinionated and I fight for what I believe is right and for what I want. I'm glad I'm essentially still the same girl I was a year ago.. yet better improved. I have new friends and closer friends. I've met a few people I want in my life and gotten rid of a few I don't need. I have to say that I think the last year has been good for me. Over all I'm pleased with it.. I hope I can look back when I turn 20 and think the same, maybe better.

Spring Break

2009-03-08T14:17:00.003-04:00

So I'm glad to be home for once. I'm glad the second time around, that I've become really upset because of Abe, that I am home with my mom instead all alone in a VCU dorm. I am pretty sure Greer and I aren't friends anymore either.

I feel like my life is really falling apart. I lost the love of my life. The coolest best friend I've ever had. I don't have a job or car and don't see it happening for a while. I have barely made any friends at school. I've changed my major from dance. I miss dancing so much. I don't know if I really want to be an elementary school teacher. I don't know if I'll be going to VCU next year, depends on financial aid. I don't know where I'll be living next year, which scares me the most.

I have no plan or any idea what my future is going to be like. I'm really scared and just want to crawl in a hole and die.

I thought about seeing one of those student counselors at school who are like therapists but I don't know how good an idea that would be. I took an online assessment test and I didn't like any of the results. I could be a good accountant since I'm good at math and I'm very organized and a perfectionist, and make lots of money. But is that what I want? Or I could study french and go to school in Paris for a couple years, become fluent and maybe be a High School teacher, that way I could travel and I miss French and I could teach and help people? Is that helping people? Ugh I don't know what I want to do with my life. If I had my way I would be an awesome dancer and just join a company and perform til my dying days.. but I'm not an awesome dancer and there is no such company out there. Or I could stay on the path I'm on and become an elementary teacher with a slim hire outlook right now and not that much money plus a very demanding job.

Then there's this feeling I have of not belonging to anywhere. Where is home? My mom's new place doesn't feel like home to me. It's crazy that not even a month ago I was so happy and now I'm completely depressed. I feel more alone than ever. Being an adult really sucks. The economy scares me. My brothers can't even find one of those mindless jobs they have for teenagers.

The only reason I decided to blog is because I feel I have no one to run to, to talk to about what is going on in my head. No one cares, so I'll just write it down and hope it makes me feel a little bit better.

P.S. stay away from Scorpios.

2009-03-02T20:28:00.002-05:00

I'm only going to keep this to view other blogs.

Abe broke up with me and I'm hating life right now.

I think my blogging is going to be on haitus for a long time.

Save the Drama for Yo Mama

2009-01-25T13:36:00.002-05:00

This blog contains a post that has been engraved in my boyfriend's mind. Unfortunately. I have debated deleting this blog because of it.. It's caused him emotional damage. He thinks that I was just going to toss him off before I went to college. Its taken several fights over the past month to get rid of his silly little thoughts.. I have no intention of leaving him. I did however reevaluate things before college, but what person doesn't? I also was terribly upset when he drove off my college campus and I was left alone at college. So it's pretty obvious that I would not have left him..

anywho! A month of fights between us has ensued and we hope they are gone FOREVER. I honestly have never cried so much in my life. I think that it has taught us both that we definitely want to be together. So if anyone out there had hopes for us to break up-- BOOYAH! we aren't breaking up. I honestly hope we never break up. He's the best boyfriend, an amazing person, and he's my oso who gives the best oso hugs. :)

Greer has dropped the recent bomb that she is in fact NOT moving to Richmond. If I am correct- she's been given a piercing apprenticeship at Blue HorseShoe and is going to finally be getting her license and a car. She finally got herself a computer. I didn't take her moving news too well. She has communication issues. I think we'll be on the rough for awhile. Her turn.

I have made a close friend at school. Kelly is a dance major who actually keeps in touch with me. I like that about her. She moved to California from New York and now is going to school here in Virginia. Her brother is a dancer as well and her whole family is kick ass enthusiasts for working out.. therefore she is my workout buddy and keeps me motivated. Go Kelly!

I've decided to live in the dorms next year-- hoping for the one that has double beds! If I can figure a way to get financial aid to pay for an apartment I will do that instead! But the big deal about this is that Abe and I decided it was too soon to live together and we were not prepared either ($$$). I was upset over our decision because I felt we were taking a step back and not forwards. But I'm trying to listen to my mom's advice that if things were meant to be then we will stay together and in a year will live together like we had planned. I hope you're right mom!

Other than that news.. I am enjoying spring semester much better than fall semester. I like having two or three classes a day not four exhausting dance classes. I do miss dancing very much. But I'm planning on taking some over spring break hopefully. I was going to visit my dad in florida but I think it's going to fall through. Maybe summer would be a better time to visit so my brothers can come too.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-30T11:14:00.012-05:00

It has been a while since my last update. I forgot to mention that I had seen Erik a.k.a. "Aughie". He had contacted me and told me he was to be home for Thanksgiving and so we tried to get together. Abe and I had lunch with Erik at Ruby Tuesdays- they have a great salad bar, plus the sushi place was closed. It was great! I hadn't seen my adventurous friend in almost a year and he was telling me all about his next grand adventure to live in Paris with his Lux boyfriend, Cedric. I'm so happy for him because he is doing what he wants and seeing the world. I admit I am jealous of my newly expatriated friend. I miss him but I'm happy for him it is overruled. Erik also got to meet Abe for the first time and they got along and gave each other rave reviews. It was more than I could ask for on a weekend home.

Abe and I made up after I got upset in my last post.. I went out that night and got so drunk I puked everywhere (I've never thrown up from alcohol). Then he surprised me by showing up the next morning and we took a trip to D.C. and it was all wonderful. It was fun and sort of romantic because it was just the two of us exploring the city and it was snowing and the christmas decorations were up..

So all that was fixed... I had one more week of school- exams. That was actually one of the best weeks of school ever because I actually got to hangout with people from the dance dept and I now have 4 friends I know I can count on to still talk to me when I don't dance next semester. I have a workout buddy now too! It's great because I really need to keep on top of my body because I don't want to just let myself go.

Anyways end of the semester is over and I got my grades; 3 C's; 3 B's; 2 A's.. the academic classes I didn't get any C's in so I'm relieved at that but disappointed with my new GPA. I'm determined to get at least a 3.5 next semester... up from the current 2.6! oh mon dieu! I'm actually pretty anxious about next semester because I won't be dancing and I have some pretty hard academic classes to tackle, including biology, economics, european history, and U.S. government. My government teacher from high school has already given his blessing on my major switch to Education and told me I better pass government with an A! I'm actually excited to finally get a break for my body from dance even though I'm going to miss it. I'm hoping for a more relaxed semester.

Winter break started for me on December 12th but I didn't get home til the 13th. I have been enjoying being lazy and doing nothing but also spending tons of time with Abe and my family. My mom and I have missed each other a lot. My brothers aren't as unbearable either. It's been a great time. Christmas week- went to my grandmother's house and Abe was a hit; spent christmas eve at my mom's making cookies, wrapping gifts, and watching The Christmas Story; woke up at my mom's christmas morning and opened presents, went to my grandfather's house and Abe was a hit again; then came home and enjoyed a christmas dinner/party at Abe's apartment with his roommate and her friends. So it's been very festive and possibly the best Christmas I've ever had. There was so much love and friendship. My older brother also was given a cat for Christmas from his girlfriend so Sally was the center of our family for a while too.

Futs.

2008-12-02T00:19:00.002-05:00

I suddenly feel like I'm in a rut.. Maybe it's not a rut. But who knows.. Everyone is doing great things with their life and I'm trying my best not to stress the fuck out.

My family and I fought over Thanksgiving break and now I'm super bummer with my life. I don't ever want to go back to my mom's either because I never have a good time. So now, I can't get my car back til my older brother sets his shit straight with his car.. Then yesterday my mom tells me he lost his job. So now he's even more fucked which makes me even more fucked. No car means no job at Panera over break which means no money to buy Greer a birthday present or buy any Christmas presents. I love giving gifts. I love driving my car. I love working. Who knows how long it'll take Chris to find another job let alone get his fucking car fixed. I'll never get my car back. I need to start working during school so I can get used to it and start saving for a place to live next year with Abe or Greer. UGH! I need to keep my life on track. It is not my fault to take care of my older brother if he fucks up his life. He never does shit for me. I want to live my own life without having to pick up after my family anymore!!!!! Is that so hard to ask?

This is going to be the worst Christmas ever if I can't be giving. I will be bored out of my mind sitting at Abe's apartment all the time and having to listen to his annoying roommate. Abe will be working so I won't see him all the time.

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I have lost that loving feeling too. I want us to last forever. I don't know why I haven't felt good for a while. I know it's been hard for you with your mom's death but you've been acting different, sad and quiet lately and I need to know that it's about that and it's not about me. I don't want to give up on the only thing that keeps me from jumping ship. I can't live without you voice, your touch, your kiss, you love, you suport, your arms for me to fall into when I can't stand.

Without you there's no feeling

2008-11-18T23:05:00.003-05:00

Soooo!

I haven't been using this very much. Hmm so it's almost December! I can't believe how fast this semester has gone by. I'm finally getting used to college and my new life. I'm finally getting comfortable with my new home and my new city. I still have much to get comfortable with and learn but so far so good right?

Since my last post I dyed my hair, celebrated Abe's 27th birth

day, celebrated 6 months anniversary with Abe, got injured once and got sick twice. Life is bittersweet.

yes I am now a brunette. the girl who cut my hair graduated from my high school the year before me. she cut it great but was really bad with her aim at my natural roots that I showed her. I am going to see what happens to my hair before I dye it again, or not.

Photo Adventure with Annie

2008-10-12T20:10:00.006-04:00

It's autumn.. why is it still hot out?

2008-10-10T19:44:00.003-04:00

It's October and midterms are here. I've never had a midterm in October. I always had exams in January which some called midterms. But now I'm in college and it's different here. I'm still not used to my new life. I miss driving. I miss my boyfriend, my best, my confidante. We're nearing our six months anniversary. This is a milestone in my love life. I love this man. He is absolutely everything to me. I feel so dead without him. He brightens my day and keeps me going. Just the thought of him is getting me through every day right now. Being one hundred miles away from home isn't the worst, but it definitely isn't the best when everything I hold dear to my heart is there.

Greer has been visiting me with her coworker, Brandi, who pierces at Blue Horseshoe. They make an excuse to come visit me, by delivering their laser technician guy, who is very cute, his paycheck. So they do it to see his attractive face too. It's been fun and I love meeting new people. I've met a lot of new people through Greer. My friend Patrick has been hanging out with us too. We usually go bowling at the local AMF, which is very nice by the way. But sometimes I feel that our visits are forced. I've got my busy school schedule here and trying to fit in my best friend is hard.. I want us to hangout like we used to, but things just don't feel the same anymore. I had fears that Greer and I would drift apart when I left and now I'm afraid its come true. My mom says that happened to her when she was in college too.

I've tried to make friends here at VCU, in Richmond. But I'm crawling back into my hole. It's hard.. I haven't found those amazing people yet. I feel like there's no one I can confide in. I don't like confiding in acquaintances. I liked the way my life was.. I liked the people I had in my life. I was content and now it's like everything is wrong. I'm super uncomfortable with my life. I feel like I'm at prison. I appreciate my parents for not sending me to a far away private school. I miss my big room. Sharing this tiny little room with someone else I don't know sucks. Privacy is hard to come by here. The rules are irritating. I can't wait to live off campus. Hopefully with my boyfriend next year.

My mom just bought a house. It's more of a townhouse. But still.. She bought a fuckin house! I mean it's a miracle! I remember the day she left my dad and started all this crazy financial shit.. And now she has a house with her name on it. No more landlords. She can do whatever she wants to it. It's the best thing to happen to her in a long time.. And to our family. The only sad thing is that it's not my home.. I have no room there. Hopefully I'll be living with Abe.. or on my own. That's a scary thought for me.

No sunlight, No sunlight

2008-09-04T22:11:00.005-04:00

I love the new Death Cab For Cutie. I want to see them live. I also want to see Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Coldplay, Incubus, Dave Mathews Band... I miss seeing really good bands play huge arenas. I haven't been to a show since the Brand New NorVa incident. But now I have to see dance shows for school and write critiques on them.. fun.

I just won a Brita Ultramax Water Filter on eBay! so I don't have to keep buy

ing huge packages of bottled Aquafina and pollute the world with plastic. Go GREEN!

Speakng of green.. I need money. I need a job. Someone help me please. If anyone in Richmond knows where I can work in walking distance or bus ride away.. please help a girl out.

I have no clothes too. I gave 1/3 to charity, 1/3 to my cousin and now 1/3 is left. I hate my clothes. Someone please take me shopping!

I wish Greer and Abe had moved with me to Richmond. I miss my best friends.

I got another tattoo. But it rubbed against a lot of things and is completely fucked now.. Ugh I'm embarrassed and mad at the same time. I guess I never realized how much my wrist touches things. I have to wait for it to heal to get it touched up.. for free.

Greetings from Richmond!

2008-08-27T09:38:00.008-04:00

I moved to RVA. I've started classes at VCU. I'm still trying to adjust to this huge change in my life. I'm trying to work through a long distance relationship now, and it's very hard. I miss the smell of the beach. I miss feeling comfortable. But one day this will pass. For now, photos!

move in day, me and Abe.

poor bicycle death banana

hello richmond in august

my roommate being jesus at Belle Isle

me on the street

So

2008-06-18T09:54:00.002-04:00

I've graduated from Kellam and Governor's School now. I'm enjoying the first couple weeks of summer and working as a lifeguard again. I'm counting down the days but savoring them at the same time.

VCU move in day is August 17th and school starts the 21st.

I'm realizing who my true friends are.. who's keeping in touch, who's still talking to me, who's still trying to hangout this summer before we all go on with the rest of our lives..

I've also hanged my career plan a million times over.. right now it's: get a teaching degree and teach elementary school while going for my french and international studies degrees.. gotta pay those student loans somehow.

SO after reading this hilarious article in The Rolling Stone

2008-05-19T21:05:00.003-04:00

about evangelicals and modern Christians, I've come to the conclusion that God is definitely not real.

God is a symbol. I experienced close to the same thing as these "born-again" Christians; cleansing their souls and being reborn into a new person. I do it all the time when I'm sick of myself and want to start fresh. God's "miracle" can be achieved by anybody. All you need is the will to change for the better or whatever your motivation is.

I guess some people just need a theology to believe in before they can achieve the feeling.

I'm also not going to vote for McCain, ever, after reading this article.

hahahahaha :)

Free yourself of doubt and danger

2008-05-19T00:10:00.002-04:00

Amen to the Spice Girls for their amazing lyrics.

I'm in the midst of rushing to finish reading Ken Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and eating some multi-grain crackers. I'm currently hearing M.I. A.'s single "Paper Planes". I'm still tired form GSA's 20th Anniversary Gala and all the "work" I had to do today instead of hanging out with my amazing boyfriend who I can't stop thinking about. He makes me so happy and I don't want to think about the end.

This coming weekend I will be in NYC with GSA on the annual trip. Then when I get back I'll celebrate one month with Abe. Then my last Spring Concert will commence and I'll bawl my eyes out at GSA Graduation the next week. Just barely feel sorrow at Kellam's graduation the week after and then be set free into summer till I move to Richmond.

Life seems so grand at this moment in my life. I'm the happiest yet.

I'm overwhlemed.

2008-04-30T23:30:00.003-04:00

I need a break. Badly.

I need money. I have so many fees to pay for for VCU and it's driving me crazy because I don't have extra money right now and I need to pay them ASAP. I need all my money for gas to drive to and from school, GSA, and work. My mom has no extra money. I was going to go on the annual GSA NYC Trip on the 23rd but now i don't know how to come up with $360 by the 12th so I threw away $200 with the first nonrefundable deposit back in April. Awesome. I hate money. MY parents again have caused this financial struggle that has made me suffer directly.

I'm trying to decide whether i should stay a dance major. Honestly what am i going to do with a BFA in Dance & Choreography? I asked my Jr Co choreographer Melanie Ortt how hard it was to get a job with her Dance degree and she told me pretty much that it's not easy or the rich life. I'll have to make this decision later after I've gotten to VCU but i don't want to waste my time or money.

I'm super exhausted with school & work plus all the rehearsals for the performances coming up in the next two months. I have Ocean Breeze training this weekend and I've been sick and so now I'm worrying about having enough energy to withstand all the swimming.

I'm thinking of starting this photography project where you take a self-portrait everyday for a year or 365 days. Sounds cool. Could be a new hobby.

P.S. i have a new boyfriend. Just keeping it fun for now. But he's definitely pretty awesome. He won't hurt me thats for sure. I'll probably be dating him til I go to VCU.. he says he'll visit but honestly I see myself breaking up with him either before or soon after I leave. I'm going to hate long distance and meet new people or be too busy etc to keep up with the logn distance shit so yeah.. i'm such a heart breaker.

Watch out

2008-04-19T13:17:00.006-04:00

I'm throwing out all my Teen Vogues and quickly replacing them with The Rolling Stones which mysteriously started showing up in the mail for my older brother.

I feel this the beginning of some new change. I like to read the newspaper a lot.

I rarely watch tv anymore, and I've come to realize that I will probably not watch tv in college.

whim

2008-04-15T19:57:00.002-04:00

i miss the summer air
i miss knowing you were there
never tossing in the night
blue skies forever in sight

playgrounds and sidewalks
street chalk and bike ride talks
sitting on fresh green grass
sleeping in, no class

august nights turn to fall
concrete cold as metal
wrapped up tight
but i still swing till flight

warm crossings so trite
holding on with all the might
swerved the other way
but eyes have gone astray

This blog sucks.

2008-04-14T23:08:00.002-04:00

So my goal for this week is to lose 5 pounds.
In order to do this I have vowed to only eat when i deem my stomach to be grumbling & to stop eating Panera (pastries &such) and to work out every night.

So Lauren & I are no longer friends because she doesn't know how to communicate & blames me for her issues & doesn't see how good of a friend I was to her. Honestly I don't need people in my life who say nasty things about me, try to steal my man when they have 4 others, and I don't deserve to be treated this way. I tried, but she ruined it again.I'm t the point in my life where I'm only keeping the essentials. I don't need unnecessary drama or materials. I'm saving, I'm purifying, I'm refreshing. I do sincerely miss some people but they cleaned me out of their lives... or moved on in ways. But I'm coming to terms with how much my life is about to change this summer. I can't wait for it to start.. but I'm defntely savoring these last few moments that will turn the water works on soon.

My tattoo has healed. Going back to tanning soon. Ocean Breeze training soon. Going to be making bank this summer at OB & Panera. H&M never called me.

Found me a man who is too good to me :) I'm just enjoying it right now. I don't know to push anything right now. Taking it a day at a time.

I may even purge all my entries soon since I hate having a juvenile blog.. I'll just keep my account to look at others' blogs.

Ok so bulimic?

2008-04-07T00:23:00.002-04:00

not so much.. just binge eating i guess.. I gotta stop the bad habit either way though..

Well lately I"ve been working & rehearsing my ass off.

Love my friends. Love coffee.

I want to live in the future. screw the present. I can't wait to go to VCU & live in Richmond.
I found the cutest place to rent with Lauren & bought some kitchen stuff.. then my mom shattered my hopes by saying it might be too expensive for her to pay for it.. so I might have to live in the dorms anyways. So now I'm sad.

holy crap

2008-04-03T01:31:00.003-04:00

i'm becoming bulimic.
i looked it up & discovered I have a problem.
i need to stop it before it gets worse.

i need to quit Panera soon.
it's not helping.
fuck i'm crying right now.

i need to get control of myself.

i'm scared.

tattoo.

2008-03-28T16:16:00.006-04:00

this is me HAPPY.. & a dork, but who's counting?

So I'm finally legally an adult.

2008-03-24T23:08:00.003-04:00

I had the best 18th birthday ever, minus the fact that I didn't get to sleep in, I had stupid rehearsal all day, & I never got a birthday kiss (though some others did). But who's counting, right? My friends were awesome. I think we had like 10 bottles of booze plus beer, pretty much the most ever for a party at my house. It was the weirdest experience having all my different worlds of friends colliding and getting along (some not so much). I feel changed now even though it's just another day, another number. I finally feel my age for once. I'm getting my tattoo on thursday. I'm so excited and scared. I think my mom might even come with me. I know that we've been fighting lately but I don't want to push her away. I've been missing my dad a lot lately & I regret what our relationship has become. I miss Erik even more now that I wasn't able to go see him in Texas. I feel like I'm slowly losing everyone close to me. I feel like I lose something for every thing I gain, yet my life feels so unbalanced. I don't know, I guess this is what it feels like to be in a turning point in your life.

Hello March

2008-03-11T13:49:00.012-04:00

Just for kicks. Watch this video from Minus The Bear, one of my favorite bands. It may even give you a new way to exercise.

In other news, my mom's friend Tricia will be flying to Maine for her sister-in-law's wedding this weekend. This leaves me without enough frequent flier miles (tickets) to fly to Texas. So I will be having an Erik-less Spring Break. I miss him terribly but hopefully I will get many visits when I move to Richmond.

Speaking of moving, I think it could not come at a better time.. I wish it was sooner though, five months is too far. My family is getting on my every last nerve. I need to get away from them. We've been in this house together for too long, as in we've never lived in a house for more than two years.

I'm still trying to decide if I should get my tattoos or not. If I should get them on my wrists or not, since work will make me cover them up. Which one I should get first. When I should get them. Where to go, who to do them, etc.

But I can't wait.

Here's some of my ideas:

plus I thought of having ETRE VIVANT in script or having the roots become the words in the tree.. but I haven't decided yet.

Senioritis kicking in

2008-03-02T16:00:00.004-05:00

I'm going to be getting increasingly restless over the next 6 months now that I am officially in at VCU.

My mom brought me huge packet from VCU on friday after my performance instead of flower. It was infinitely better than flowers.

I can't stop thinking about what to bring, walking to class, meeting new people. I just need all the financial stuff to be taken care of and I hope it doesn't make me stress out.

March & May are going to be exciting months.. I'm busy every weekend in May with performances, going out of town and partying it up at Prom. Then it's graduation and then summer time before I head off to Richtown.

I'm so satisfied right now. I just need a hoppin love life and 20k scholarship and my life til RVA will be complete.

One Month

2008-02-20T23:40:00.006-05:00

I'm almost eighteen years old. I have had doubts recently about my future. I want to dance, I know that. But what will I do with my life. I'd like to take it one day at a time but the realist in me is nagging to find the answer. I've been struggling with confidence lately too. I admire my fellow peers and their amazing writing capabilities and lately have been coming down harshly upon my own abilities. I fear this is a result of my AP English Lit class which is kicking my ass. I know that I chose to take harder classes to get better because I need a little push. I better get used to this too, since next year I'll be the smallest fish in the pond; once again a freshman. I'm shocked with my VCU Dance acceptance. I felt the same way when I got accepted into GSA. I was honoured and crying and smiling in disbelief. I'm in love with Richmond and I can't wait to move on to the next big adventure in my life. Of course, my confidence has recently been brought down, too, with relationships or the lack there of. I know it is stupid to be looking for love at such a young age but I do miss having that companionship and I am not throwing away my emotions for just anybody. I am more sensible than most girls I know about dating; I don't let just anyone into my heart. It has been a year since my last relationship and while I have dated around with a handful of possibilities, none of them have been smart enough to keep me. My last relationship was definitely the best but I see dating as a lesson in learning more about myself. It does make it hard to be optimistic when it makes me feel like there's something wrong, something I need to fix to get them to like me. For the most part, I like who i am, but naturally I hate my looks in some way or another. But I see my friends struggling with eating disorders and it scares me into really thinking about how much I love my body because I never want to have to suffer to the point of a disorder. I really wish body image wasn't so important to people these days. I hope if I ever have a daughter that it is not worse for her than it has been for the girls of my generation. If it is, then I will try with all my heart to shield her from it. I find my self more and more everyday planning out my future life. How I want my own library in my house, that is if I ever get to reading all those books! I can't wait to live on my own and yet I am so scared. I get to visit one of my favorite persons in the whole world next month. Its strange that I haven't seen Erik in two months. I can't just drive my his house anymore. Its amazing how strongly that feels when it's taken away from you. I can't wait to see him! Only one month away!

oh p.s. new hair.. growing it out though for real this time.

Lead me out on the moonlit floor

2008-02-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

I found I'm dancing in the GSA 20th Anniversary Gala!
I'm performing/rehearsing a lot especially with Todd's Jr Co.
We just danced with the VA Symphony last weekend.
I auditioned for VCU.
I'm working and babysitting a lot.
I love my new friends; they're so fun.
I found out yesterday I got into my back up school, Christopher Newport University (CNU)!
My birthday is getting closer and closer.

.. as Nina Simone would croon ..
And I'm feeling goooooood.
da nun
da nun
da nun da da
da nun..

For the first time in my life

2008-01-28T00:40:00.000-05:00

I feel torn between my parents.

edit.

I've finally forgiven my father.. seen his side of the story.. believed it to be honest and true.
I've stopped blaming my father for all our problems.
I feel like I can finally breathe.. because I let go.

YAY

2008-01-26T00:53:00.000-05:00

I finally auditioned for VCU!

and I feel great about it!

Oh, of course, I was happy to be back in Richmond..
It's freaking gorgeous and feels 'right' all over in the sunshine.
I even knew where I was going :)

Winter in Virginia Beach

2008-01-22T10:36:00.001-05:00

Well it snowed Saturday.. it didn't really stick around and what was left was turned into ice Sunday. Now most of school was cancelled due to the black ice that backed up traffic because of the "50 some odd" accidents.. even ones involving 20 cars. It took my mom over an hour to get to work when it usually would take her less than 5 minutes normally. Supposedly my exam which was second block was still on.. but there was no way I was going to sit in traffic just to be told we would have to retake it.. There were actually fatal accidents too. That's scary.. and rather ridiculous considering we're in Virginia Beach for goodness sake!

In Loving Memory of Mr. Eric

2008-01-19T23:46:00.000-05:00

One of my first dance teachers passed away on January 9th of this year from lung cancer. He is the reason I am so hard working. The reason I moved on to become a better dancer. He was an inspiration as well as a respected father-like figure for me. I went to one of my very first funeral/memorial services today. Its amazing how many people love him, how many people showed up. There were people standing up in the back and hardly a spot left in the parking lot. I forgot how big a heart he had, how much sense of humour he had, how much he loved to laugh. I cried so much. I called in late to work because I had to stay, I couldn't leave, I needed the closure. I just wanted to give him a hug, to see him one last time. I am verging tears just writing this. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say how much I appreciated him. I wish I could have one last conversation with him. I remember the way his voice sounds, his little isms about him.. I remember him so vividly. I still can't believe he's gone. He was such a big part of my growing up and he instilled a love of dance in me. He had so much passion for it.

I'll miss you Mr. Eric.
You'll always be in my heart.
& I'll never forget you.

I'm also very busybusybusybee

2008-01-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

thank god which allows me to keep my mind off certain things and stress about others..
like the massive amounts of reading I can never get done because all I want to do is sleep.
I started my training at Panera Bread this week.
I have exams next week.
Plus I just found out Thomas won't be able to audition with me for VCU again and so I'm trying to get someone else to go with me.. or else my mom will have to take off work because I'm superstitious about the whole nightmare happening all over again and I don't want to go alone..
Plus I have rehearsals up my butt, another performance next week and I'm trying to impress my teachers and choreographers and peers a lot in the next few months
because it my be the last they see of me and it's important to me to go out with a bang and a smile too.

this is me looking all grown up and spiffy..
this was taken the day all my stuff got stolen out of my car..
it's before I found out..

some pictures of last year's GSA Spring Concert I found..
Tchaikovsky's 4th symphony
we're doing this piece for Todd's Jr Company

guess which one is my butt.. haha

Me & my friend Lauren at Virginia Beach's Redwing Park

one thing I'm trying to get off my mind...
I miss this..

2008 isn't so great

2008-01-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

Happy 100th post.

So far this year I have had my heart broken, become very broke, one of my closest friend's found out they have breast cancer, and one of my first and dearest dance teachers has died.

Is Mitt Romney our next hero?

2008-01-07T19:12:00.000-05:00

I was watching CNN this morning while they were talking bout the New Hampshire Caucus, when they showed Mick Romney and immediately the similarities popped into my head. He looks like the 'hero' who played the Pres on NBC's hit show Heroes.

(Romney)

vs.

Hello

2008-01-04T01:05:00.001-05:00

My manager at JC Penney's/Lifetouch doesn't want me to quit. I am starting lots of rehearsals for Todd's Junior Company again. I have tech rehearsal all next week for the GSA Winter Concert next weekend. Plus I have to write a paper for english. I start work at Panera Bread after that on the 14th and I still have to get my uniform. I have my exams on the 22nd & 24th then my VCU audition the 25th and the Jr Co show on the 26th.

January is going to be a very busy month and Bret is being complicated. Its harder to be friends with a guy after being more than friends.

As the night went on

2008-01-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

I would find myself trying hard to laugh and enjoy myself even though the booze was doing it anyways. I caught myself staring at him, wanting to embrace him and give him a really great kiss in front of all his friends. I wanted to take him outside and talk to him about it all. talk about it so I wouldn't feel so ignored. Instead I just sat there fighting blame against reason in my head trying to make out some sort of thought that would ease my mind so I could let my heart heal. I'm left here in shock and hurt again for the second time in month. I always think "this one's different" and that maybe i'll actually get to date guy who I think is really amazing.. but it never happens with those guys. I told him almost everything bout myself and he acts as if we just made out few times and it was nothing special at all. And people wonder why it is so hard for me to trust people...

He locked the door and dragged me around on the bumper.

Now I'm standing outside the window in the freezing cold begging him with my eyes to let me in.

Bonsoir

2007-12-28T17:46:00.000-05:00

Well I have been suffering through a sinus infection all week and today was the worst because my whole right side of my face had so much pressure that I felt it in my teeth. I'm taking so many pills now..

I also got a new job at Panera Bread. I may just quit JC Penney's Portrait Studio since they never put me on the schedule anyways.

I'd just like to say that I miss Erik very much and hope he's made lots of new friends in Texas.

"Mind over Matter"

2007-12-26T14:44:00.000-05:00

The car alarm across the street is going off. The wind and rain beat at the window as the cold tries to creep in. My keyboard isn't working completely and I put all my frustration into it.. I am still recovering from this cold, or whatever it is, that I have. I have been getting over a guy during this break. I am fortunate enough to have such a great family. They are the only reason I am able to get through life. The disgust I have for those who steal is more than ever growing since the incident with my car. I am trying to understand why people choose not to communicate with others. I am going crazy without human contact and communication is the key to keeping sane. I can feel that I am growing up. If I ever get to a New Years where I don't feel that I have grown in the year past then I should have failed. I am proud of myself and continue to grow in every way towards becoming who I want to be. It's sad that others will try to bring someone down when they see that they are succeeding. I pity those who think they are in the right when they should be focusing on themselves instead of others. I am eager for the future, even if it is uncertain because that makes it all the more attractive. I finished another book, Infidelities: Stories of War & Lust by Josip Novakovich, which I borrowed from a friend, and I plan on buying his book April Fool's Day. I wish I could sit in bed all break reading books but I have to work because giving gifts makes one very broke. I am trying to do normal things because I believe I can undo my sickness if I can make myself believe I am not sick. I will report back with those results.

Ciao.

Christmas Blues

2007-12-23T12:03:00.001-05:00

I had a great time this week. The week before Christmas is always filled with fun and good times. Friday I had the best luck when I was hanging out with my friend Lauren and I got home late after dropping her off at her house. The next morning I got up early to go pick my cousin up in Newport News.

I got into my car and was reaching for my Paris cigarette case when I noticed it wasn't there. I check my purse, it wasn't there. I went back into my house, it wasn't there. I then checked my glove compartment and not even the Camel cigarette box was in there. I was pissed because I thought my brothers did it. I noticed the passenger door was unlocked. I had to leave to get my cousin so I drove all the way there, angry and upset at myself for leaving the door unlocked.

When I pulled into my cousin's driveway I reached down to check the side pocket of the driver's door and noticed it was completely empty. I thought oh no! what was there?! It was my iPod video, the adapter, and my autographed Mae: Singularity cd. At that point I began to really get upset. Someone had broken into my car and stolen some of my prized possessions. I'm sad that I don't have my Mae cd anymore. I love that cd. I was just thinking the other day about how I should bring my iPod in because I don't use it in my car.. and the next day it gets stolen. And I loved my Eiffel Tower cigarette case. It was a real photo of it in Paris.

I woke up this morning hoping that yesterday was a nightmare.. But it was real. It happened. It's sad that people do this. Especially around Christmas time. Now everyone in my immediately family, my mom , older brother and me, have all had our cars broken into and had something valuable stolen. This is a sad sad world. It has ruined my holiday.

It's "see you later"

2007-12-16T00:51:00.000-05:00

I just got home from driving in this terrible weather of rain, wind and cold. I had the most depressing goodbye of my life with one of the most amazing persons I have ever known.

I have never had this sort of event occur in my life; the one where a friend moves away. I remember the first day I talked to Erik on the bus ride home from GSA and I'm so glad I sat by him that day.

I know it's not goodbye forever. But I could not help the tears that streamed down my face as I drove home tonight.

Through all the changes in the past year he has been a constant positive force like sunshine on a cloudy day.

I love you honey and I'm so happy for everything that is happening in your life right now! I can't wait to share another adventure with you someday in the future.

I guess I missed that part

2007-12-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

I think I missed the part of growing up where I was supposed to join a clique.

I seemed to have tried so hard to not try so hard that it's backfired.

People are jealous of my easy schedule but I really am more apathetic to it.
I am jealous of them hanging out with their friends.
Mine seem to have vanished into thin air.

These times have really opened my eyes.
You can see who people really are and whether or not you want to be their friend,
or why you would or wouldn't want to be their friend.
You can picture what you'd really like to do,
but is it what you can do
or what you can afford to do?
But would you be happy there
or would you cripple and die
without the normal structure of life
you've had since you were born?
I can say how much I want to leave and how much I want to travel the world
but I am scared that when I come back I won't have any friends to visit.
No places of memory or love only hate and lonesomeness.
I look around at school at all the middle-class teens
who have been involved in after-school activities
and go to parties with their friends
and have a huge circle of best friends
and they laugh and they cry and they fight for each other
and I wish I was one of them.
Is it pathetic that I go through my day to day routines
of school, dance class, and driving home in rush hour traffic by myself every day?
I know we all are born into our parents arms
but we seem to travel through life alone;
are we destined to die alone as well?
Will going to college really change this feeling inside me?
Will I find happiness
or will I find I made it up all too much for it to really make me satisfied?

I can only wonder..

Recently VDOT is trying to "crack down" on speed violaters

2007-12-10T18:31:00.001-05:00

a.k.a. people like me who go 70mph on the 55 mph highways.

I tried to take a picture with my camera phone but I was hard to get a close enough picture.

They now are putting messages on the signs like "OBEY SPEED LIMITS". I really think a more subliminal message would work better than that. We have been speeding for so long that I don't think it's going to change because of a few little signs that could, instead, be telling us if there was an accident ahead.

Photo Update

2007-12-08T22:57:00.001-05:00

I built a gingerbread house with TJ last night.
Today I went to Sandbridge Beach and took photos with Lauren.

I know I've been down in the dumps lately

2007-12-05T23:47:00.000-05:00

but it's not like I want to be..

I've gotten on "solid" ground with my manager at work.. but i'm still looking for something else.

I want to get my mom a massage gift certificate for Christmas so that's about $65 I need to make happen. I get paid this friday plus I'm babysitting now which is good.

I just got slammed with english homework as soon as I'm trying to hangout with people. Codie has a new boyfriend and is being lame about it like usual.

Of course my mom cleaned the teeth of the mother of one of my old "bestfriends" and she lost like over 100 lbs. Well the biggest shocker was that her daughter was sent to live with her dad in Richmond because she couldn't handle her promiscuousness and she ended up getting pregnant and got an abortion. However this did not stop her from continuing this slutty streak. Now really.. I am starting to see a trend in all my biggest ex-"bestfriends". It's kinda of creepy and weird.

December 4, 2007

2007-12-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

I'm honestly unhappy with my life. I don't like school because of the people. I guess I'm weird and actually want to learn something. I've never been good at socializing. When I was younger and struggled to maintain friends, I told myself it would get better. I wanted to be Miss Popular in middle school or high school. Of course, I was always the loner. Especially when my parents decided to move us ion the middle of elementary school for something that wouldn't really affect us for years to come (SOLs). I was scared that I wouldn't make friends, which I really didn't because everyone had their cliques since kindergarten. So a fresh start mind set was wasted. Same thing in middle school. It was a little better in high school but I still felt like an outsider. If I had a close friend they were never in any of my classes and of course hanging out was hard because of Governor's School.
I've never really had the same mindset as most Kellam kids or high schoolers in general. I don't have a lot of money so i don't make myself up or wear the most fashionable clothes like everyone else. People immediately judge upon first appearances and impressions and since I don't look like them or think like them they ignore me. Half of the time I get nasty looks from people who I don't even know and they don't know me, but since we share the same class they think they know me. Now it's my senior year and I was told to vote for senior superlatives and I honestly didn't know 90% of the people on the lists to choose nominees from. While everyone else is thinking about after-school activities, going tanning, highlighting their hair, getting ready for prom, shopping, getting high, getting trashed, buying a new car, going to Europe after graduation..
I'm thinking of how to get a job, how to pay for the gas in my car, trying to get a scholarship, what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and how I will ever pay for it?.. I'm worried about if my life will ever be something I actually want and if I will be happy.. I'm tired of struggling financially. I'm tired of being pushed aside by friends. I'm tired of being overlooked and ignored in all aspects of my life. I'm tired of not beign good enough.
I don't like that my family isn't a warm, loving, connected group of people with a mom & dad still married. I don't like that my mom can barely make her monthly bill payments because my dad screwed us over and he is unemployed living off his senile mother in a different state. I don't like that because of that I will most likely not be able to pay for college.. which makes me feel like I have no chance of having a career or making a decent living ever. I feel like my life is black hole that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I just feel so alone and invisible and helpless and I'm just not sure what to do anymore..

Giving Back and Staying Broke

2007-12-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

I worked at the portrait studio for the first time in a week. I finally talked to my manager and she told me they have me on a floating schedule. I'm not exactly thrilled at this; I need a schedule, it's the way my life works. Needless to say I am looking for a second job..

I babysat today for the first time in quite a few years. I went straight from work to babysitting. I did meet this lady online on a babysitting website and she is absolutely normal, even a little cool. I made $25.

I went to Wal-Mart tonight to buy much needed chapstick and my Angel Tree gift. I bought this little blue dress and a t-shirt and yoga pant set. I spent around $22.

So I earned money and then I gave back.
How gratifying it is to be broke..
:)

On a different note, I got a free ticket to see a show at the NorVa friday and I am really glad I didn't have to pay for it. Brand New was the headliner and they have always been one of my top favorite bands. I actually had tickets to see them about 4 years ago but never got the chance. I now wish I had seen them then instead of now because I enjoy their older music more than their newer stuff. They played one old song and the rest was new songs.

Anyways, the other bands playing were MeWithoutYou, who were kinda blah, and Thrice, who I've seen 2 times before when I was more into them a couple years ago but could really care less for now. The worst thing about the show was that during Thrice, the set change between, and Brand New I was squished from all sides thanks to the retards pushing at the back of the crowd. I was in the second row of people from the front barricade.

I was so pissed off at the people and the security guards for their lack of help or acknowledgment of the problem that I didn't enjoy the music at all. I e-mailed the NorVa with my complaint concluding the fact that I am seriously thinking of never coming there again, because I've never had to tolerate that shit. It's really sad that they don't care about the safety of their guests, especially when they could definitely get sued for someone passing out from their lungs being collapsed.

Happy Hump Day

2007-11-28T10:22:00.000-05:00

Good Morning everyone!
(a little John Stewart/Katie Couric humor)

Thank you blog for letting me vent these feelings that I cannot express to any one person in my life for fear of offending them or changing their opinions of me for the worst. I have come to the conclusion, thanks to the influence of friendly conversations, that I should not date right now. I am busy and I should just stick to my schedule. I will only attempt in dating if an amazing opportunity comes up and the world would slap me if I missed it. I admit that every time I see a happy couple my heart beats faster and warms at the thought of someday having the same experience. But I am young and I have, hopefully, my whole life ahead of me.

Everyday I get closer to figuring out exactly how that will go, with graduation in view and college topic being thrown into every conversation at every possible chance (kill me). At least I have my mom who understands, more than any other adult I know, how much pressure teenagers have these days with college.

As for friends and being sad about leaving them behind, I am much more at ease with this because there is only one person who I fear losing and that is Erik because he is leaving me first and he is older. The others I have friended in high school I will miss their presence as I always do but I am used to them coming and going so it will feel the same when we all part. I hope that I see them again later in life but I wish them happiness and success no matter what happens. I am prepared to lose people because I have been losing people my whole life. I have learned to let go even if it takes time to heal the wounds they've left in my heart.

I have replaced friends with books and knowledge as I do. I am currently reading Pride & Prejudice and I love it! I borrowed it from a girl in my english class. I also have borrowed four other books from my friend Katie: Go Ask Alice, Five Quarters of the Orange, Water For Elephants, and Infidelities; Stories of War and Lust. And of course as I start reading for pleasure I am told by my english teacher that I am about to be assigned another novel next week. I forget what it is. Right now our current assignment is to annotate T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland and the online author's notes are very interesting.

Au Revoir!

My weekly feelings report..

2007-11-26T23:01:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been feeling down.. I feel like my teachers are disappointed in me.. I hate the wrath of Todd. I feel like I'm letting people down more and more everyday for trying to be myself. I feel the pressure from every angle to be something I'm not. I'm sorry that I smoke and don't give a shit because we're all going to die some day.. I'm sorry I'm not one of your best friends or one of your favorite dancers.. I'm sorry I'm not blind to all the negative in my life holding me back from smiling 24/7 and being optimistic about my future.. I'm sorry I suck at hanging out and can't entertain you because I'm extremely nervous and always think people are out to get me or dislike me off the bat.. I'm sorry that you do hate me for no reason.. I'm sorry that I sound mean when I really don't mean to .. I'm tired of not being good enough to be one of your "top" friends, ever. I wish I could just never see my dad again for the rest of my life.. but it's not that easy when I live with people who are willing to be in his presence even if they despise him as well.. they don't believe in the same things as me and it's the reason why i can't wait to live my own life without them

le sigh.

I'll just stick to books instead of friends.

VOTE FOR ME SO I CAN WIN MONEY FOR COLLEGE!

2007-11-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

My mind continues to crank and churn thoughts

2007-11-23T14:38:00.001-05:00

So I just finished my workout-- gotta get back my pre-thanksgiving bod! I decided that since I had my "internet safety" lecture at school on Wednesday I would test out something. I "googled" my name! Yes I know, I'm the last person to do it. However I was pleased to find that nothing "dirty" or "scandalous" came up about myself. But I found out that a man who shares my same name was a breakthrough political scientist and there are quite a few rooms named after him in various prestigious facilities such as Columbia University-- how ironic because I am thinking of pursuing that major in college. Then there was a myspace link to some 20 year old in Canada who has some of the same musical tastes as I do. Of course many Lindsay Lohan links popped up too.

So this was fun minus finding out that lindsayrogers.com and lindsayrogers.org are taken.
Touche.

I feel the need to put my opinion somewhere.

2007-11-22T14:46:00.001-05:00

I just saw a myspace bulletin about our troops and comparing our complaints to their daily lives overseas, telling me to repost if I support the troops like if I didn't it meant that I don't.

I support my country and I'm proud to be an American citizen. However, I am for peace not war. If we didn't have a war they wouldn't be over there and wouldn't have to be dealing with the things they deal with everyday.

This is the point I tried to prove in my english class last year and got bombarded by ignorant assholes and called expatriotic and told to leave the country. As my government teacher says: the way we deal with our foreign policy is a step above gangs.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I'm thankful to be able to spend it with my family today.

VCU audition turned bad but Richmond is good.

2007-11-17T17:39:00.001-05:00

I woke up bright and early at 6:30am and picked up my friend Erik. We got our 24oz Wawa coffee and pastries and headed to the interstate. We were well on our way and I was starting to actually enjoy myself. Besides being incredibly nervous, I was really excited to be taking this big step in deciding my future. We got thought the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel before 9am so I thought we were doing well so far. Check was at 10:30am so I was shooting for 10am. We just passed by where my family lives in Newport News and traffic started to slow. Erik said it was probably just the Fort Eustis traffic. So we sat and sat until I started to notice the time. I began to worry plus I had to pee really bad! We would sit there for20 min and move 5 feet. I ended up turning the car off every time we stopped to try to save gas. It got to the point where I was freaking out because it was past 10am and we still were 60 miles from Richmond. I told myself that I would not cry because I would be a wreck in my audition. Erik called the VCU Dance Department to tell them about how bad the traffic was for all the eastbounders and to ask if they would let me in if I got there late and also if it would effect my scholarship qualification. They said if we came any later than 12 that I would not be admitted but they were nice and positive and said that we should make it at least by 11:45am. I tried to calm down by smoking a cigarette but the lighter was fussy. I finally got it to work but realized that it did not help that I had to pee so bad. We passed a rest stop exit but I couldn't get over to the lane so I decided we'd get off at the next exit. Of course there were none in sight and traffic was moving an inch a minute. I finally just pulled over opened both the front and rear right side passenger doors squatted down and had Erik cover me from above and peed the longest pee of my life. I felt so much more relieved after that. But it didn't last very long-- it was now 11:30am and there was no way I was going to make my audition. I smoked another cigarette and traffic stopped again. I started to cry; I wasn't going to audition anymore today. Erik couldn't do anything to comfort me except deny every negative thing I said with a very intellectual answer. My mom called and I told her everything. She said how the traffic was on the news and it was caused by a tractor trailer accident which had an oil spill and so they had to completely stop traffic. There was another accident that they didn't report on the news too. Traffic finally got moving and we decided to go to Richmond anyways. I went to the dance center and I ran into an old GSA student who graduated my freshman year who now goes to VCU for dance. They sympathized with me but regretted that I could not audition because I was an hour late. I would have to come back and audition in January. Erik and I decided to go get food at the Commons and ran into a friend of his from Summer Residential GSA and so we ate with him and his friends. His name was Kyle and he decided to walk us around a bit. We went to 821 Cafe and waited for Erik's friend Joelle to show up but Kyle had to leave. Erik enjoyed coffee and I had tea with tons of honey for my sore throat. The cafe was very cool and artsy with paintings everywhere. They were playing a Cursive cd that I happen to own which brought back memories because I hadn't listened to it in forever. Joelle finally showed up and we talked for a couple hours while she ate. She is an international studies major and I am now very interested in becoming one! We both want to eventually join the Peace Corps. We left the cafe, me with a camera in my hand taking pictures of everything from that point on. We went to the Jefferson hotel and basked in its glory. Then I requested to go to a place I had seen in everyone's pictures of the rapids and the bridge. Joelle took us on a journey through Belle Isle and all it's sight-seeing spots and haunted woods. After that the sun was setting and it began to get dark so we dropped Joelle off at her dorm and headed home. I am more and more in love with the city every time I visit. I hope the accident wasn't a sign that I shouldn't be going to VCU because I want to more than anything.

Check out Erik's blog for the rest of our adventure in Richmond.

A perfect outing.

2007-11-14T10:40:00.001-05:00

My outfit :]

I went over to Erik's after school. I was starving and he refused to let me into his house. still made it inside and found out that I knew his sister! She hung out with me my freshman year when GSA went to D.C. IYet I found this entirely amusing. Amy, his sister, proceeded to find food for me even though Erik told me there was none in his house. She made me a delicious PB&J and I had some chocolate chip cookies. YUM! Then we decided to go see American Gangster since it was too dark to go to Mt. Trashmore. We ran and got some Starbucks and snuck them into the theater just as the movie was starting. The movie was great! Afterwards we decided to take pictures in the photobooth. I had never done one before but we went for the classic plain, black & white style. Here they are!

So you may notice there are some changes to my blogspot..

2007-11-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

Mae is one of my favorite bands. I loved them from the beginning. I consider myself a true fan. I was sad I could not go to their last show together last Tuesday. Two of their members left and two guys from another local band Tokyo are joining them now. I support them on their MaeteaM website. The playlist was one of their "missions". They also like to post lots of pictures from their tours and videos.

Here's their latest:

You can check out more on myspace, youtube, and the MaeteaM site.

I grow wiser everyday.

2007-11-11T16:47:00.000-05:00

My wisdom tooth in the upper right is coming in. My mom's already determined that I will have to eventually get them all taken out in the next year or so. Does this mean I'm getting wiser? Will I lose this so-called wisdom when they are taken out?

I've been catching up with two of my oldest friends, Katie and Codie. Talking about boys and the goings on of our lives as high school seniors. I would like to note that I am warming up to one of the guys and Katie & Codie both think i should pursue it. Both are still in contact with my real-life arch enemy Courtney and Codie tells me that she is thinking about trying to be my friend again. We both laugh heartily in her face at the thought of her attempts. Really now, is she so stupid? I am extremely stubborn and she sucks at being a friend. Do I really look like that much of a fool? Humph.

P.S. I was definitely PMSing in the past couple posts.

P.P.S. I actually like my new job quite a lot.
I will soon be paid for my photography skills!

I think my brain finally let my heart explode.

2007-11-09T00:16:00.000-05:00

I found myself crying tonight and suddenly all these feelings were pouring out into my head. I may just be a little bit PMSing but I'm not quite sure. I had been reading up on my astrology with all these guys lurking about-- I think it was for good reason my eyes leaked. I think subconsciously I am still letting go of my last relationship. I'm afraid I won't ever get another great boyfriend experience like that back and so I am afraid to let myself have feelings for someone else. I think only one other guy has given me anything resembling a normal feeling of "hey I'd really like to be with them" that makes me take the next step into dating. Some of these guys who want to hangout with me lately are nice and some I could really care less about and some I'm just not sure what to think. I barely know any of them and I'm not sure if I really care to get to know them any better. All I know is I don't have time to waste on a relationship that is pointless and I don't feel comfortable in. It doesn't help that I have no clue as to why they would want to be with me in the first place; I feel ugly and fat and I'm frequently called a bitch.

People don't like me. I get that vibe 90% of my days.. No matter what I do (this includes being myself) I can never satisfy those around me enough for them to like me and enjoy my company they way I enjoy theirs. I guess I am below average on the likable scale.

ok I'm done. goodnight.

Family

2007-11-03T22:00:00.000-04:00

I want a big family. Connected and loving. Warm family gathering during the holidays. Kids running wild and driving the parents crazy. Marriages and disasters. Helping and hurting. always being there for each other.

My close family, that is my parents and brothers, has never been the typical family you'd see as the American staple for an Old Navy commercial. We're more the indie movie type family. Real and broken. We have flaws and we get along, but never look like we do.

I have my first show tomorrow for the first time since May. I am excited but also very nervous. I am showcasing my senior choreography for the first time and last. This morning while I was at my SAT testing my grandmother called to say that she couldn't come because she was sick. I am thoroughly upset because she hasn't seen me dance in years. I want to be mad but what can she do? She's just sick and I can only hope she doesn't get deathly ill. She's 69 years old and one of my favorite people in the world. It meant a lot to me that she was coming to see me dance. I am about to cry, that's how upset I am.

Now Erik can't come. And my mom didn't seem like she wanted to come in the first place. Now she is the only one left and I'm sure she will try to get out of it even though she may just me guilted into coming when I tell her she is the only one. I'm trying to remind myself that I am doing this for myself and I have to do this because it is what I love to do. As much as it hurts to sit here and know that no one, that matters to me, is going to see me dance tomorrow.

Also I went on, well I guess you could call it, a date tonight with a guy I used to work with at Ocean Breeze. I was worried he wanted it to be a date in the first place and I didn't want it to be because I had never really thought about him like that because he isn't taller than me. Plus he dated another girl I knew from work for a while. But he is very family oriented and I wish we were older because his goals are oriented around a great home and career. So I may be attracted to him after all.. He definitely wants to hangout again.

p.s.

Sushi with Erik is fun.

and Feist is a great band to check out.

Ole Hallow's Eve

2007-11-01T18:38:00.000-04:00

My mom won first place! and $100 cash prize.

She's Miss Idaho.. it was state themed.

This is Dr. Heff (for short).

He was Miss Kentucky.
That's his mullet wig.

I love him! haha

My brother's hair.

Chris and his girlfriend, Cyndrah.

After she spent like an hour on his make up.

They went to hangout with friends.

fin.

Memory Lane + photos.

2007-10-30T21:50:00.000-04:00

My mom is making a costume for work. She is a dental hygienist but she works for a company that is one of the biggest and richest in the Seven Cities. So they ask them to dress up on Halloween. This year it's States themed and she was left with Idaho. So she has a sack of potatoes with daises intertwined and she wanted to use one of my tiaras.

So I had to go searching through all my costumes that I have not touched in almost 4 or 5 years. I ended up pulling out the two big boxes I had managed to stuff into my closet when we moved in on my birthday 3 years ago. One full of random toys and such and another full of dance bags, competition jackets, recital and competition costumes, shoes-- you name it.

I found the tiara but continued to search through all my costumes. I found myself laughing at some of the most ridiculous things known to have come from a sewing machine. But I also found myself smiling remembering all those years and all the friends I made and how happy I had been. I found myself wishing I could turn back time to those days of happiness. I even came across my very first costumes and I almost cried because it made me remember how much I love to dance.

Sometimes when it gets rough like this and I wish I wasn't so busy or I wish I had a different body or I'm stressing out over college-- it's nice to have that refreshing memory of true love and passion to remind me why I'm doing it in the first place.

I also came across my old stationary box filled with letters from one of my first "best friends" who continued to write to me even after I moved away. I only stopped being her friend and writing when I had the last straw of all her pushing her religion on me. Also I had to move on, I mean I was growing up. I guess that's when I stopped believing in "best friends", in the same way we stop thinking fairy tales are real.

Oh and i found this "time capsule" thing that I did in elementary school. I of course opened a year later after I finished it. It was originally wrapped in saran wrap. But it's funny because that was like in the 1990s so to kids back then the 2000 years were supposed to be really futuristic and much like Zenon the Disney movie. So We put things inteh time capsule that we thought would represent us at that time. I even had an assignment to write a little booklet and newsletter. In the newsletter I write about how there will be pens that can record your words as you say or write them and you will be able to turn on motorcycles automatically without a key, and we have things very similar to this now. I dated the newsletter the year of 2005 and it's now 2007 so it was really cool to see that.

Anyways here are the photos:

My first tap and ballet costumes ever.
They're so tiny!

A letter from a girl I used to dance with.
She described her new Georgia high school to be so big
that she could fit my entire high school in her new school's courtyard.

I was a very private person as a kid.

Me, my brothers and my dad in Connecticutt one summer.
You can see that I was taller than both of them.
Fancy stationary.
My "best friend" Lauri and me taken by a very bad camera..
Possibly my first ever "myspace"-like photo shot.
You can really tell how mess up my teeth used to be.
A letter from Lauri.
My Lisa Frank stationary box.

My newsletter I found in the "time capsule".
HISTORY AS WE KNOW IT!
The booklet I found in the "time capsule".
I found this in the "time capsule".
It's my brothers and I playing with the swing my dad made
while my dad watches in the background.
The entire contents of the "time capsule".
Yes that is a furby and mini watercolor paint set,
I watercolored a lot as a kid and I was very obsessed with Tweety.

The "time capsule".
I liked to paint as a kid.

Here's some pictures of me and Erik in Norfolk and a picture from my walk during Guluwalk:

Freemason Street.
My new Norfolk dream choice of residence.

Me and my Aughie<3

The river view on the Guluwalk.
It was a beautiful day for changing the world.

I hate my age.

2007-10-28T00:22:00.001-04:00

I just hung out with Jeffrey. FINALLY!
But he feels bad and I hate that he feels bad.
He thinks it was a mistake.
Only because I'm technically underage.

I hate not being 18 !!!!!!!!!!

4 AM text messages

2007-10-27T09:34:00.000-04:00

from Jeffrey.

He is obviously worried about getting involved with me because I'm under 18. I clearly saw that from his messages.

It's amazing how much 5 months is ruining my love life and hurting my chances of getting a job.

mm friday..

2007-10-26T21:06:00.000-04:00

Today my partner for my senior choreography piece didn't show up. I had to finish the dance all by myself. I'm so exhausted and my feet hurt more than ever. Deborah wouldn't give me my partner's phone number because she knew I would leave her a nasty message. I'm really frustrated with my partner right now.

I also found out that Thomas can't go to the VCU audition because Todd just informed him of a show that night. It's at 5pm and so we wouldn't even make it back in time. I'm really upset. I don't want to go by myself. I hope my friend Lauren will go, maybe. But this means I won't get to party or road trip with Thomas. This was the only thing I was even a little excited about and now I got nothing.

Today was just not a good day. To top it off, I've realized how sad my social life has become.

I think I'm depressed.

2007-10-24T22:55:00.000-04:00

I was reading an article in a magazine and apparently I have all the symptoms of being depressed and being suicidal.. which I am. I have attempted suicide sort of before. I think about it often. I cry a lot. There were some other symptoms but I can't remember.

But god I really do hate money! it is the root of all the evil in my life. I hate my body too. I'll never be content with my body and I feel like everyone else won't either. I feel I am constantly criticized for my body and being overlooked because of it. I wish I could just feel beautiful being myself.

And time. Why is it moving so slow? I hate my life right now. I hate where everything is. I feel like I am stuck and I can't move. Then again I don't have a clue as to where I would be going anyhow. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I feel like I'm too average to ever be somebody. I'm a nobody. While all my peers are off at college I'll be stuck here because that's the way it always has been. I'll always be the sorry little girl with no friends and no money and no love.

Ok.

2007-10-23T17:33:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been very busy and I'm trying to focus on what I need to do. I rarely hang out with my friends. I am exhausted from Governor's School all the time. I am running out of money and I need a job. I barely call people or text them.

I feel like so much is being demanded of me these days. It's hard for me to focus too. I am trying my best and I am not getting to my goals but I am trying to accept it. It's just hard when I don't make a piece but I let myself cry and then I get it out of my system.

I read somewhere "If I'm not exhausted at the end of the day I don't feel like I've accomplished anything." I agree but sometimes even if I am exhausted I feel like there is so much more I have to do and no time. It's lonely being this busy and skeptical of others. But I guess it's all part of living in the Dance World.

Guluwalk 2007

2007-10-20T16:18:00.000-04:00

Last year I raised my goal of $100 but I could not attend the walk. This year was just the opposite; I did not get any money raised but I had the opportunity to attend the walk. I'm so glad I got to go. I did have second thoughts but after today I am so glad I went.

My friend and fellow Governor's School dance student, Ali Hartsook, herself started the Guluwalk location in Norfolk, VA. This was the second annual Guluwalk. The walk takes place in cities all over the country and world. It was originated by two men in Canada and is spread throughout the world today. Today everyone walked together in support of the children and people of Uganda.

Guluwalk is used to raise awareness of the conflict in Uganda and draw support from the community. Even if you did not donate any money, just being there and showing up was a great effort of support. A local high school even decided to make a field trip out of it. We gathered at Harbor Park to register, sign letters to send to our senators, and buy merchandise, of which all proceeds go to the Athletes for Africa campaign. Ali even made a little speech. From there we talk a walk around the city yelling, singing, clapping, and stopping traffic for a cause. We then entered the Todd Rosenlieb Dance Center and had refreshments and then watched a video on the Invisible Children.

After the video I was very inspired. I almost cried watching the video where this boy was talking about how he would rather die than live at this point and started to cry when he began talking about his brother who was killed by the Rebels. When I was driving home everything seemed to be in slow motion. I was going almost 80 MPH but it felt like 10. I was still in a daze of thoughts after watching that video and being a part of this experience. When I was a kid my father used to tell us how lucky we were to live in this country and to be able to even go to school and have a roof over our heads. I didn't really care back then and I have dealt with that reaction when I tell kids today just what my dad said. Kids complain about so much these days and they have no real concept of living or what the world is really like.

We take so much for granted. It's true what they said on the video-- a shot is fired in the Middle East and it's all over the news but millions of kids are killed in Africa and no hears anything.

My horoscope on facebook:

2007-10-20T00:52:00.000-04:00

Aries:
A friend has recently gone through some serious changes, and you're not sure you know them anymore. Remember they're still the same person at heart.

Wow. I read my horoscope everyday and sometimes it is off but there can be those times when it is DEAD ON. Today is a good example of the latter.

Mamma Mia!

2007-10-18T18:17:00.001-04:00

Sorry but it is literally the gayest thing I've ever seen.

I don't think I'm a musical gal.

I'm a health nut!

2007-10-17T19:21:00.000-04:00

I've always been raised to eat healthy. My dad was the major influence on this. Let me put it to you this way-- my mom was afraid to bring soda into the house when she first wanted to leave my dad. This doesn't mean I've never strayed to junk food or unhealthy foods in my whole life. But I do prefer to eat healthy full meals and drink water and tea and juice.

I recently have ripped out a few pages of my magazines and taped them to my wall next to my desk. They are to remind me of good healthy eating tips and how to choose the best foods for my body and to keep up energy as a dancer.

Surprisingly my mom allowed me to get the foods I chose when we went to the store tonight. She usually just buys the cheapest of the brands because our budget is so tight. I bought apples, bananas, Kashi granola, granola bars & cereal, trail mix, and wheat crackers (the best we could find which isn't what I was really looking for).

I feel very accomplished.

I'm a little..

2007-10-16T19:07:00.000-04:00

I guess I just can't seem to keep friends with my new philosophy. I'm trying to be happy with my life even though things don't always go my way all the time. Maybe it's okay that I am getting rid of the people who cause unnecessary drama and are immature. It sucks but maybe that's my sacrifice to get to happiness. I just don't understand those people is all.

I'm trying to stand up for myself too but it's harder than I thought it would be.. People don't like it when I say no or tell them off. I'm done being a door mat. I want to be the door of reality smacking them in the face.

It's hard enough keeping myself from tearing myself apart. I don't need someone else tearing me down too, especially if I don't even know them.

Graduation = Freedom.

2007-10-15T18:26:00.000-04:00

So I am finally in possession of the new Kanye West cd Graduation. I really like it and I can't stop listening to it! I love how Kanye has so much to say. It's so appropriately named too, considering that I am looking forward to my own graduation.

All I seem to talk about lately is college and my future. I'm so excited and ahhh.. gosh this feeling is incredible. I just hope that money doesn't ruin it for me. If I have to work for a while I will. I'm so determined-- nobody can stop me from my dreams.

I love not having class on B days! Today I went and got my paycheck finally. Then I picked up my good friend Erik from TCC and we got some coffee and headed to Downtown Norfolk. We checked out the new market, went to MacArthur Mall. We went into H&M and checked out the new Barnes & Noble. I applied to B&N and Erik bought magazines and books. It is a very nice B&N and I hope they hire me! I am desperate for a job right now.

Anyways! I had so much fun with Erik because he knows so much about Norfolk and I love talking to him. Everyone kept asking me if he was my boyfriend or my honey :] Oh it was greaaaat! If only he was a straight one, I would def tap that. (Love you bay bay!) He went to do his homework and visit his GSA department while I went to class. Then we went out to eat at Plaza Azteca. I now like mushroom quesadillas. We talked about me visiting him on my spring break because I will finally be 18! I can't wait to travel.

Today I felt like I had so much freedom. I'm so eager for life right now. I haven't been in such a good mood in a while. VCU started it and I'm glad I got to share it with Erik. I even talked to the other kids at GSA today.. haha.

Our state capital.

2007-10-13T17:35:00.000-04:00

YAY RICHMOND!

I visited VCU's Open House today with my mom and I absolutely love it.
I got tons of good information and met with the VCU Dance department chair.
I even got a t-shirt, a great campus tour, and ran into some people from Kellam and GSA.

This is a senior choreography rehearsal in the Dance Center.
The studio was gorgeously huge.

Me in the Commons eating area, just finished my sushi at lunch with my mom.

A pretty stairwell I found.

Me on the stairwell.

So basically if I don't get into VCU I'm going to be really upset.

The Late Late Rock Show

2007-10-12T23:22:00.000-04:00

So right now I am listening to the radio. A one night indie rock show recently got upped to a nightly show from 10-1am (I believe). It's a pretty big thing for an indie music radio show to get big enough to become a daily thing. I used to just listen in the summer when it came on Saturday nights. I haven't listened since they got promoted. But lo and behold tonight they have my favorite local band Mae on. They recently lost two of their band members so I'm still in shock of the news.

Anywho! this week has been really long. I have mentioned that I was hanging out with a friend of my older brother. But it felt weird so I am not going to keep it going. He would make a great comedian though.

I also had a huge issue with my math teacher. She didn't like the fact that I leave her class to go to Governor's School and I have been struggling in her class since school started. I have thought long and hard about dropping the class academic wise but after I had this issue and had a panic attack in the middle of school -- it was the last straw for me and I dropped it. I'm sorry but if someone, especially someone I should look up to, makes me cry they've lost all my trust. SO now I don't have class at all at Kellam on B days but I still go to GSA in the afternoon. So yeah everyone is tres jalouse de moi. I don't know if that was proper french, OH well.

I went to see another one of my favorite bands Thursday night after GSA. I met up with my friend Jordan and we went to Kelly's Tavern for dinner. The most fattening dinner I've had in a long time. We played my best game of pool ever-- I beat him! I am really bad at pool so I'm actually thinking he let me win. We got in through the backstage and the turnout didn't seem to be that great but my impression was soon proved wrong. We were front and center. The first band wasn't that great. The second was The Helio Sequence and it was a drummer and a guitarist who sang. The drummer has tourettes and I admit I laughed at first but someone mentioned that he has tourettes. So I was like wow good for him playing that drums! However some kids behind us were making fun of him the entire time.. Minus the Bear was amazing though. They played all my favorite songs. I was so tired driving home and this morning I woke up with the worst neck pain. It has yet to go away. I'm worried that it won't. I guess its the price I pay for seeing a great band live.

Tomorrow I am waking up bright and early at the lovely time of 5am to drive to Richmond to visit the VCU campus. I'm so excited. The weather is finally cold and I can wear my scarves. I really hope I get into VCU. It's in the midst a of big bustling city and I'm sure I will bring back so many pictures! My mom is driving there but I'll probably drive back. I am really glad she is enthusiastic about this trip. She is usually so negative about things. Thank god she has her friend Tricia. Tricia has ben dragging her out a couple nights this week to have some fun, that she desperately needs. I love that woman.

Hard Things:

2007-10-09T23:35:00.000-04:00

keeping friends.. or keeping up with them.

College.

Dating your brother's friends.

Getting a job.

Finding time to relax.

Make your parents happy.

I just want to sip tea, wear scarves and read for the rest of my life.. I can go back to the olden days please?

As tro lo gy

2007-10-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

Hm so first it was the Aquarius and Libras now its Leos... I need a Virgo I think..
this weekend has been so chill except for the little factor of being reminded of the fine line between enemies and friends.....

I keep my friends close but I keep my enemies closer.

I watched V For Vendetta and I noticed that British people pronounce every syllable in a word. So if you're every trying to imitate one, try that.

I hope

2007-10-05T23:10:00.001-04:00

that one day I won't need someone to label me their best friend
so I know that they care about me
or that I mean something to them
or as much to them as they mean to me..

I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls for the first time in a long time.. It was the episode where Rory decides to leave college and her mom doesn't understand why she needs to take a break.. etc etc. I really wanted to post their conversation on some video like from YouTube but I couldn't find one.. It reminded me a lot about how I see a conversation between my mom and I going if I go to college.. It was kind of scary. It's so weird to now realize that I can relate to many tv shows, movies, and songs.. their messages and conversations seem so real.. That's scary.

You know what I realized too?
My mom is my hero yet my greatest fear is to become her.

Can I please start over?

2007-10-04T23:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to make my mom happy anymore.
I have no one to talk to anymore, all my friends won't talk to me anymore..
I mean really talk about shit not just "how are you?" "fine, you?" "i'm good." *walk away*
I'm stuck for another 6 months and even then I am unsure of what to do.
Should I really continue with dance and go to college?
What will I do after I graduate college?
What next after that?
What if I am still not good enough to make it?
I accept failure and go to massage school?
Wasting more and more money because I would have just spent money on college
and then I'll spend more on massage school?
The cycle in my head never ends
and people are making me feel claustrophobic
and I just want solace, peace of mind.
And my heart is breaking with every thought of you.
Why do I have to care so much about people when I knwo they will only hurt me?

The past is the past.

2007-10-02T00:14:00.000-04:00

I've decided to leave all my ex-lovers in the past. I'm going to start afresh. I made the mistake of going over to Ryan's house last night after I got upset by Ashton. I felt so bad because I totally used him. I apologized and started my new mantra of a fresh new start, in my love life..

I got my senior pictures in the mail. I like them from far away. Tomorrow we pick the song for our senior choreography pieces. I'm scared and excited at the same time.. is that anxious? I'm not too sure. I am slowly giving up on my academics. I feel like I am closer to my fellow seniors than ever and especially at GSA. I've also been asked by Todd to be on his Junior Company again. He posted to "audition results" at the studio today. I'm surprised to see 16 names and some whom I thought would not be returning, or shouldn't, this time around. Oh well, I get to perform more and I'm pleased and flattered Todd wanted me.

I've got to printout these college applications and do these practice college essays for english class.. I feel so grown up. I just hope I can stay sane for more than a week. Annabel's new piece of advice for me is "to accept things for the way they are". Well put my Asian friend.

SO

2007-09-30T18:26:00.001-04:00

I got so fucked up last night with the best people ever. It was so fun and I was so weak mann..
I'm still hungover or buzzed or something right now. But there was some definite drunk messaging going on.. Jeff is talking to me now. I talked to John and got some stuff off my chest and cleared up. I also got some stuff cleared up with Ashton although he really just wants to be friends and says he's not into the "high school scene" and is movign to Richmond soon.. so you know what FUCK HIM. I hate that he used HS and moving as an excuse. I'm sick of fucking excuses, especially from him.

And everything in my life is the same again. I never get the guy.
I swear I repulse them.

I hate my job too.

Whatever.
I'm just going with the flow right now and hopefully I don't crash and burn any time soon.

HENCE FORTH!

2007-09-27T23:17:00.001-04:00

why the fuck do i always feel like i'm a bother to someone.
this year i'm going to be more confident and I AM GOING TO GET THE GUY.
i swear i've wanted ashton for so long i will fucking have him this time around
i wan tot be friends with the people who amaze me.
i've done so good so far my friends are amazing
and sometimes i just don't realize how much i love them.
i am not going to take any bullshit from people anymore
i will tell them straight up what i am thinking.

in the words of my math teacher, "Henceforth!" I will act accordingly.

Today:

2007-09-25T22:46:00.001-04:00

Life is surreal.

I never thought I'd be so scared to even make a move for fear that I would get rejected.
I never thought I would choosing the option of not going to college or be scared to ask my mom if I could go to college.
I never thought I would be able to tell my entire life story to someone I barely know so easily..

All I know is that I'm screwed over in senior choreography and I'm mad at my friends for it.. or should I say "friends"?
I'm scared and I'm afraid to make any choices for fear that it will be a huge mistake and that I'm going to make the biggest fool of myself.
I'm so scared and I don't want to go through any of this. I want to just stay home and read a book or dream of other things. I just feel like for the first time I don't know what I am doing or who I am because I don't have a plan. It's scaring me shitless. And I feel like I have no support or anyone to talk to because I just feel like no one cares about me.. Everyone is so self-involved and no one cares to return any of the favors I have given..

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes my friends can be insightful

2007-09-24T18:54:00.000-04:00

So in the car today Annabel randomly asked me if I get the newspaper.

Now my family has never gotten the paper in my entire life unless my mom buys the Sunday paper or I needed it for a school assignment. So of course my answer was no. I wasn't sure where this was leading..

Her problem was that she had an assignment for her class that included the need of a paper because her teacher refused them internet use to get a political cartoon. Well her biggest point was that no one gets the newspaper anymore. I asked "why?" of course. She said because of the internet and people usually just go a buy them from stores and such nowadays.

A new realization that technology has indeed taken over.

Ex-bf trade off

2007-09-22T19:14:00.000-04:00

So Ashton comes home from Cali today. And last night Ryan told me that he is probably moving to Cali for a job opening as a manager at the store there. It's like my exes are trading places..

I miss talking with Jeff. I wish he would stop ignoring my phone calls.

I am not really happy with friends, school, dance, or my job right now. All I want is a date to distract me or my friends to change back to who they were.

That is all.

oh P.S. I just looked at an e-mail from my dad and started to tear up.. that's never happened. The other day My dept chair at GSA and Nikolai and I were talking about family ad suddenly I found myself being asked about my relationship with my father and I realized I don't have one and how I never talk about him or think about him anymore unless my mom brings him up.. I really hate that I don't have a relationship or know what to do about the lack of the latter.. I am basically on hold with that right now until his mom dies.. which no one knows how long that is going to take.. I hope I don't have to go to a funeral any time soon.. because I don't want to deal with it either.. the circle never ends.

I am idle too..

2007-09-20T00:57:00.000-04:00

I am at a point in my life where I know what I want inthe future and am having a hard time living in the now. I know what I want but i can't get it.. yet. It's rather frustrating to know what you'll be doing a year from now but everything happening till then you want to just skip ove because you know it's not going to be fun at all. I feel so depressed whenever I am home. my mom being a key factor in that.. She mentioned me finding an apartment to stay in Norfolk while I go to massage school and continue dance at Todd's after I graduate because it will save so much money on gas.. I think moving out will be a good thing. I love my room but I need to be on my own and be away from her negative vibe. It's encroaching on my happiness.. which lately has diminished. I can be ina good mood but at the end of the day I am discontent with the way things are turning out. I used to be so good at life. I used to be the rising star in dance class and I used to have the best grades and the brightest future of many opportunities in front of me.. now I am indecisive and unlucky and lost in life. I may have found a career to pursue but it's definitely not what I always dreamed of becoming when asked as a little girl "What do you want to be when you grow up?" initially my thoughts were to be a singer like Britney Spears pre-adulthood and then a Prima Ballerina... and slowly I came to find out I didn't really know what I wanted to be because clearly there was nothing staring me in my face. I didn't know what I was good at or had the easiest way to work into a certain aspect of work.

I am so busy these days and I barely talk to friends let alone see them. It's funny how some people can change over the course of the summer and I find myself missing so many people at this very moment. It makes my heart swell and almost burst to think of all the people who affected me but I never affected them enough for them to stick around or even try to stay in touch.. There are a few that I knew this very brief summer and I am saddened more by their absence than of the people I have been friends with for years. I feel very disconnected from everyone this year.. I don't know any of the new people nor do I really care to get to know most of them, partly because they don;t really appeal to me as friends nor will it be worth my time seeing as I will be gone next year. But then there are all the people in my classes who i've known for years but never really became friends with that sort of just act polite and so really it would be weird to all the sudden become best buds.. because they already have theirs by now. it seems that friends come a convenience to me. I spend a lot of time with myself and doing things I need to prefer to do in a day and if friend time happens to slide itself in someway i will allow it. but I've been wanting to meet new guys but really how can I if I am always going to the same places and none of them with age appealing or character appealing guys? I am a hopeless romantic no doubt about it. I know I am young and I will be searching for love my entire life but I feel it is quite impossible for me to ever get a date anymore. I may appeal to some but they never seem to want to go further than that.. But I do miss the company of others.. valuable real fun times are what I am missing in my life.. adventure and love and companionship..

Today

2007-09-18T20:26:00.000-04:00

I found my car this morning EGGED with one egg on the driver's side door..

I got transcripts telling me that as of August 2007 I was ranked 48 out of 516 and as of September 2007 I was ranked 51 out fo 545. Not too shabby! I am indefinitely graduating unless I fail english or government which is 2/3 of my classes. Right now I am drowning in AP english homework.

I am finding that I hate my tummy. I want to whip it back into shape.. without having to starve myself.