SO

I got so fucked up last night with the best people ever. It was so fun and I was so weak mann..
I'm still hungover or buzzed or something right now. But there was some definite drunk messaging going on.. Jeff is talking to me now. I talked to John and got some stuff off my chest and cleared up. I also got some stuff cleared up with Ashton although he really just wants to be friends and says he's not into the "high school scene" and is movign to Richmond soon.. so you know what FUCK HIM. I hate that he used HS and moving as an excuse. I'm sick of fucking excuses, especially from him.

And everything in my life is the same again. I never get the guy.
I swear I repulse them.


I hate my job too.

Whatever.
I'm just going with the flow right now and hopefully I don't crash and burn any time soon.

HENCE FORTH!

why the fuck do i always feel like i'm a bother to someone.
this year i'm going to be more confident and I AM GOING TO GET THE GUY.
i swear i've wanted ashton for so long i will fucking have him this time around
i wan tot be friends with the people who amaze me.
i've done so good so far my friends are amazing
and sometimes i just don't realize how much i love them.
i am not going to take any bullshit from people anymore
i will tell them straight up what i am thinking.

in the words of my math teacher, "Henceforth!" I will act accordingly.

Today:

Life is surreal.

I never thought I'd be so scared to even make a move for fear that I would get rejected.
I never thought I would choosing the option of not going to college or be scared to ask my mom if I could go to college.
I never thought I would be able to tell my entire life story to someone I barely know so easily..


All I know is that I'm screwed over in senior choreography and I'm mad at my friends for it.. or should I say "friends"?
I'm scared and I'm afraid to make any choices for fear that it will be a huge mistake and that I'm going to make the biggest fool of myself.
I'm so scared and I don't want to go through any of this. I want to just stay home and read a book or dream of other things. I just feel like for the first time I don't know what I am doing or who I am because I don't have a plan. It's scaring me shitless. And I feel like I have no support or anyone to talk to because I just feel like no one cares about me.. Everyone is so self-involved and no one cares to return any of the favors I have given..

I hate this feeling.

Sometimes my friends can be insightful

So in the car today Annabel randomly asked me if I get the newspaper.

Now my family has never gotten the paper in my entire life unless my mom buys the Sunday paper or I needed it for a school assignment. So of course my answer was no. I wasn't sure where this was leading..

Her problem was that she had an assignment for her class that included the need of a paper because her teacher refused them internet use to get a political cartoon. Well her biggest point was that no one gets the newspaper anymore. I asked "why?" of course. She said because of the internet and people usually just go a buy them from stores and such nowadays.

A new realization that technology has indeed taken over.

Ex-bf trade off

So Ashton comes home from Cali today. And last night Ryan told me that he is probably moving to Cali for a job opening as a manager at the store there. It's like my exes are trading places..

I miss talking with Jeff. I wish he would stop ignoring my phone calls.

I am not really happy with friends, school, dance, or my job right now. All I want is a date to distract me or my friends to change back to who they were.

That is all.

oh P.S. I just looked at an e-mail from my dad and started to tear up.. that's never happened. The other day My dept chair at GSA and Nikolai and I were talking about family ad suddenly I found myself being asked about my relationship with my father and I realized I don't have one and how I never talk about him or think about him anymore unless my mom brings him up.. I really hate that I don't have a relationship or know what to do about the lack of the latter.. I am basically on hold with that right now until his mom dies.. which no one knows how long that is going to take.. I hope I don't have to go to a funeral any time soon.. because I don't want to deal with it either.. the circle never ends.

I am idle too..

I am at a point in my life where I know what I want inthe future and am having a hard time living in the now. I know what I want but i can't get it.. yet. It's rather frustrating to know what you'll be doing a year from now but everything happening till then you want to just skip ove because you know it's not going to be fun at all. I feel so depressed whenever I am home. my mom being a key factor in that.. She mentioned me finding an apartment to stay in Norfolk while I go to massage school and continue dance at Todd's after I graduate because it will save so much money on gas.. I think moving out will be a good thing. I love my room but I need to be on my own and be away from her negative vibe. It's encroaching on my happiness.. which lately has diminished. I can be ina good mood but at the end of the day I am discontent with the way things are turning out. I used to be so good at life. I used to be the rising star in dance class and I used to have the best grades and the brightest future of many opportunities in front of me.. now I am indecisive and unlucky and lost in life. I may have found a career to pursue but it's definitely not what I always dreamed of becoming when asked as a little girl "What do you want to be when you grow up?" initially my thoughts were to be a singer like Britney Spears pre-adulthood and then a Prima Ballerina... and slowly I came to find out I didn't really know what I wanted to be because clearly there was nothing staring me in my face. I didn't know what I was good at or had the easiest way to work into a certain aspect of work.

I am so busy these days and I barely talk to friends let alone see them. It's funny how some people can change over the course of the summer and I find myself missing so many people at this very moment. It makes my heart swell and almost burst to think of all the people who affected me but I never affected them enough for them to stick around or even try to stay in touch.. There are a few that I knew this very brief summer and I am saddened more by their absence than of the people I have been friends with for years. I feel very disconnected from everyone this year.. I don't know any of the new people nor do I really care to get to know most of them, partly because they don;t really appeal to me as friends nor will it be worth my time seeing as I will be gone next year. But then there are all the people in my classes who i've known for years but never really became friends with that sort of just act polite and so really it would be weird to all the sudden become best buds.. because they already have theirs by now. it seems that friends come a convenience to me. I spend a lot of time with myself and doing things I need to prefer to do in a day and if friend time happens to slide itself in someway i will allow it. but I've been wanting to meet new guys but really how can I if I am always going to the same places and none of them with age appealing or character appealing guys? I am a hopeless romantic no doubt about it. I know I am young and I will be searching for love my entire life but I feel it is quite impossible for me to ever get a date anymore. I may appeal to some but they never seem to want to go further than that.. But I do miss the company of others.. valuable real fun times are what I am missing in my life.. adventure and love and companionship..

Today

I found my car this morning EGGED with one egg on the driver's side door..

I got transcripts telling me that as of August 2007 I was ranked 48 out of 516 and as of September 2007 I was ranked 51 out fo 545. Not too shabby! I am indefinitely graduating unless I fail english or government which is 2/3 of my classes. Right now I am drowning in AP english homework.

I am finding that I hate my tummy. I want to whip it back into shape.. without having to starve myself.

My plan is backfiring.

I'm trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of things.. people really.. and they are all I can think about.. Because I'm becoming a workaholic who runs away from their problems.. sad. I wish people would just treat me right and then I wouldn't have this problem.

I want to graduate so bad right now.
I'm so over high school and people who are in high school.

I'm also really wanting the company of a guy.
I'm also keeping busy so I don't have time to "look" for one but most of my dreams lately have been romantic ones. It's depressing because for the first summer ever I didn't meet anyone (that went somewhere). I miss the feeling of all the first time things you do when you are getting to know someone. All those fresh feelings and emotions, so intense and exciting. I miss being held and kissed. Feeling lighter than air.. ugh sorry I'll stop being so sappy. But really I'm scared I won't have a prom date. I know that's a lame thing to think about.

Things I am excited for in the future:

+ Ashton coming home, maybe for good.
+ dancing
+ getting my car back
+ Todd's performance this weekend
+ my cousin's birthday party this weekend
+ starting my new job
+ getting paid
+ NYC trip
+ turning 18/party/tattoos
+ graduating
+ starting massage school
+ my life after high school
+ being dressed up tomorrow
+ cold weather
+ building relationships with people
+ helping people
+ learning more
+ hanging out with Aughie before he leaves for his destination of choice

I'm so happy

I found what I am doing after I graduate.

I'm not going to a university or college or far far away.

I am going to the Pate School of Neuromuscular Therapy.

I am going to be a massage therapist!

I finally found a school that is everything I have been looking for, for a career I want to pursue.

I hadn't decided what to pursue yet and I hadn't found a school that made me exclaim "THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO GO" except for William & Mary University.. which I would pursue if I ever want to be a lawyer or teacher or something really intelligent and successful.

W&M was my dream college but I am happy with my choice of Pate.
Maybe one day when I decide to become a teacher I'll go to W&M.

So I'm reading the Awakening again..

I am realizing so much I didn't before.. I love that about books. How you can discover things you didn't see the first time.

There is this whole part where Edna is describing herself as a girl "swimming" through a field of tall grass in Kentucky and she said she felt as if she could go on forever and she wasn't sure why but it must have been entertaining to her.. because she was saddened by an older boy she couldn't have because she was too young and had no chance... Well the book ends with her swimming into the sea until she becomes exhausted and cannot swim anymore, thus ending her life.. all because of a guy she was in love with and could not have, not just because she was married but because he decided not to stay and be with her. That has to be the biggest foreshadowing ever. I applaude the author.

There is another part where she talks about why she married her husband.. and it really explains why so many marriages end in divorce these days. Enda was obsessed with an actor, much like many are in love with Zach Efron these days, when her husband met her and fell in love with her. Basically he worshipped her and she loved it, but her father and older sister had utter disgust that she would marry a Catholic-- so she married him. This reminded me of my relationship with Ryan this year.. because most of the reason I gave into dating him was because I felt he was the first guy who really adored me. I of course broke up with him because I felt dishonest with our relationship and felt that to drag it on any further would be a horrible mistake and hurt him. Of course Edna wanted to leave her husband just as I did with Ryan-- we are too independent and need our independence. Of course she has a love interest and I did not but I always felt guilty everytime I even thought of being with another guy. So I guess that also makes me think of what I consider to be cheating.. I guess it's really personal (thinking of someone else) for me.

Wow- self discovery ephiphany.
haha I love big words :]
.. I am referencing to Erik's latest blog topic of pet-peeves.

This is what I do when I'm sick..

I'm rarely sick.. I don't think I've been sick all year.. possibly since like February.

Auditions.

I'm not sure why I ever try out for Bell's pieces because I NEVER make them.
Sorry I' don't dance EXACTLY like you.

I only got one of Todd's.. I hope it doesn't suck like last year.
I'm also not going to Philly because I'm not in the piece that is listed to go..
Great there goes my favorite thing about this year and any chance of auditioning for summer programs and traveling adventures with my fellow seniors/friends.

I had confidence in this year but now it's gone.

I wish I could find a meaning in my life right now.
I am just wondering through life on autopilot and it sucks.

I've been doing good

I've been better since school has started and I'm back dancing again.
back to my true love of my life, the dance life.

Then exactly what I've been trying to stay away from, to forget about, to keep busy so I can forget you.. Annabel asks me about Jeff and of course I know nothing about him anymore so he is basically "gone". Then John texts me asking to work for him (THE NERVE!) and then after refusing he asks if it had anything to do with Brittany and of course I didn't know he knew but whatever reason I hope he got what he wanted out of it.. Because I won't do him any favors, not after treating me like that.. fucking jerk. I told him to leave me alone. He doesn't understand that I've been trying to get over him for weeks before she got into the picture.

I was doing so good until tonight.
Sunday will hopefully be the last time I ever see John.
I'll never see Jeff again.

This could be applied to several people..

I'm so sick of you not calling me back
or answering your phone.
what the hell did I do to you?
I'm tired of you lying to me.
I've never lied to you.
I only tried to get closer
just for you to push me away.

Lately

I've been feeling lonely. I've learned not to put trust in people because they always let me down. I don't have a best friend because of this. It's sad but I've never really had someone be there for me "always" like everyone makes their best friends out to be. They make people sound like superheroes in a fictional story. They're not real. Having someone that awesome does not exist. I am constantly being let down by someone or something. Yes I know there has to be a balance of good and bad but lately it feels like there is no good left.

I am becoming more paranoid too. I just want to be left alone all the time. I always feel like people don't want to be around me. I feel like nobody really likes me at work either. I'm not excited for school tomorrow. I'm not happy at all anymore. I wish I could fast forward to the time in my life where I am married and about to raise my family. I can't wait to get to that point in my life. I want my own little babies and a husband who loves me.. I want security. I don't think I've ever felt secure at all my whole life. That's probably why I am always looking for a boyfriend.

Affection

I miss Ryan.
I miss how comfortable it is when I am around him.
I miss how much he cared and how I could feel it.

I miss our road trip.

I know that if I went back to him right now he would take me back in a second.

I wish I could find someone else who makes me feel that way.